Post # 1
Hi there, I’m new and “waiting” or pre-engaged as I like to call it. So I’m wondering if anyone has found themselves waiting longer because a sibling happened to get engaged first? The gist of my story is:
The SO and I have been discussing our wedding since December (2013) and then surprise! His sister, one year younger, got engaged this spring. He and I picked out a ring as planned but now… well everything has sort of halted. His sister made a comment that she thinks our engagement would be too close to hers if we got engaged now. So because he loves and respects his sister he wants to wait for her blessing. But she hasn’t set a date for her wedding. It sounds like she has a tentative date of summer 2015.
I love his sister also and I want her to be happy, but I also sort of thought that our engagement would be “our thing” and not dependant on what others were doing or planning. Of course if we did get engaged now I wouldn’t want to be a strain on his family and their resources and I would ask that they focus on his sisters wedding planning rather than ours.
Anyway, I’m at a bit of a loss. SO and I are nearing 30 and I would really like to be married soon. Has anyone else been in this situation?
Post # 2
Get engaged and married when it works for the two of you. As long as your events (wedding, engagement party, etc) aren’t on the same weekend, there shouldn’t be a problem.
People don’t get an engagement or wedding “year”.
Post # 3
His family does not have the right to tell him when he can or cannot get engaged. I’d tell the sister to pull the stick out, if it were me.
Post # 4
legolamb: You cannot put your life on hold to wait for someone else to feel that it has been an “acceptable” time between engagements. Are you also going to wait until after your FSIL gets married to get married yourselves? That’s a bit ridiculous. If you guys are serious about getting engaged soon, your SO needs to sit down with his sister and explain to her that she gets one day, she doesn’t get to dictate when you guys get engaged. If she got engaged in the Spring, you guys have definitely waited long enough to not “steal her thunder.”
Post # 5
You can get engaged whenever you and your boyfriend are ready. Your engagement does not change or impact his sister’s engagement in any serious way.
I’m willing to bet she wants you and your boyfriend to put off engagement so that her “thunder” isn’t stolen. Well, that’s not how things work in the real world. It’s not unusual for siblings to be engaged at the same time. Both siblings can have the spotlight, both children can have their moments and get the necessary attention.
It’s the wedding dates that need to be considered carefully so that the parents and guests aren’t put in a tough spot money and time wise.
Don’t put your life on hold for years simply because his is sister is engaged.
Post # 6
Thank you, this is all sounding kind of ridiculous now. He REALLY cares about his sister’s opinions so I don’t know if encouraging him to talk to her about it will do much but it’s worth a try. I mean, the ring is sitting in our house right now. It’s driving me crazy.
Post # 7
legolamb: i don’t get this at all. If his sister isn’t excited that he’s found the love of his life and wants to take the next step, why is he giving her so much consideration.
You’re all adults. Live your own lives.
Post # 8
He’s close to his family can be easily swayed by their opinions. She was the first one to tell him he should marry me, so it’s not like she isn’t supportive in general. And she really is a great woman – usually highly intelligent and logical, with this exception. His parents were very excited about the idea of our engagement and were expecting it to have happened by now. I’m not sure they know the reason why it hasn’t happened yet is because of their own daughter. I don’t want to cause more drama by complaining about it.
Post # 9
my little brother and his gf are not engaged yet, but already have their wedding date set (Jan2016) We are in our 30s and have a baby but haven’t bought a ring yet…we are planning (but haven’t told anyone) on either a summer 2015 or summer 2016 wedding. either way we will be planning at the same time and guess what? no one cares lol. give it a month, get engaged. the end 🙂
Post # 10
Wait, his sister is 28/29 then? Honestly I expected you to say she was 19 or something. I agree completely that you cannot base your life around someone expecting a year of spotlight.
Post # 11
Did she say this to you directly, or is this your SO’s interpretation of what she said? I ask because she said she’s supportive and cool, so this sounds a little off.
Never trust a man to repeat what a woman said exactly. 🙂 this might be one of those times when you need to help him clarify things with her. I am sure she doesn’t expect you to wait endlessly while she chooses a date. That’s pretty nuts.
Post # 12
legolamb: My sister got engaged 3 months before my wedding and I couldn’t have been happier for her. My cousin set her wedding for 2 months after mine, and I couldn’t be happier for her. You can get engaged, and she can be happy for y’all. Heck, it’s been 7 months now, I think that’s time enough. Do what makes you (and SO) happy.
Post # 13
ClassicCorvette: She’s 27, I’ll be 29 this year and BF will be 30 this year.
Tinatiny1: She said it in a text message conversation directly to my boyfriend – we live in different parts of the country. When he told me she said that I did a, “what, what?!” I made him dictate exactly what she texted to be sure.
So yeah, we’re all fully mature adults, I want to open an honest conversation about it but I don’t want to seem like a nag at this point because BF has kind of shut down about the topic now.
Post # 14
legolamb: But, they haven’t even set a date yet! But even if they had it shouldn’t be a big deal. Family members can be engaged at the same time, that shouldn’t be a problem at all.
Post # 15
You need to talk to him. Like a PP said it’s been 7 months. That’s plenty of time.