Post # 1
hi bees! thank goodness for this site because i feel like a crazy person. SO and i have been together 2 years and 3 months and things couldn’t be better. he recently asked me to move in (beyond thrilled) and we will officially share an address as of this weekend. great, right? of course! thing is since we started dating he always told me he didn’t want to live with someone until he was engaged. i always respected that and even though it has felt like “home” for sometime, i never once complained or pressured him for me to move in. so to my and his whole family’s surprise, after the holidays he asked me to move in. he said he realized that it should be the next step and that he thinks we are ready. (yay!) i did tell him that i didn’t want me moving in to be a delay or a substitute for getting married and he agreed. thing is, as much as i am excited about this next step, i have been waiting for about 3 months for a proposal and he just keeps telling me that it will happen (ok! got it! like when!?)
to add to my what feels like hopeless waiting, his younger brother just got engaged. ahhhhh!! (here comes the vent session) his brother’s now fiancé is awesome (let’s call her peach…i’m looking at a bowl of peaches right now haha) and we really are great friends. they got engaged in hawaii on valentine’s day on vacation (um, uh-mazing!!) they have been dating the exact same amount of time as us…are a couple years younger (we are 27 & 29 and they are 27 & 25) so, i went kinda nuts when i heard they were engaged. a full on temper tantrum in front of SO. so attractive. :/ good thing he loves me. well SO told me that he talked to his brother and he said that him and peach weren’t going to get married for a couple years which made me feel better. SO and i have always wanted (and will have) a very small intimate wedding with a short engagement and i have always had my heart set on a october wedding. fall always has been my favorite season. and i have been hoping forever that fall 2013 would be our time. SO’s parents own a beach house in obx and SO and i have always said that we would love to be married there, somewhere that means so much to us and his family. perfection.
so here i am last night probably daydreaming about my perfect little wedding and i get a call from peach. she is super excited and her enthusiasm is contagious! i really am going to love helping her plan. (she has asked me to be a bridesmaid) and then my excitement comes to a sudden halt on the inside. i ask her when she thinks they’ll tie the knot and what does she say!? this october at the beach house in obx. wow!!! what happened to a couple years!? now, i don’t think she’s stealing my idea. i don’t even know if i’ve ever told her what i want for my wedding. (i really never talk to others about me and SO getting married-it drives me crazy when people do that) of course i only tell her how amazing it would be for her to be married this fall at the beach house. sigh….
so in true crazy person fashion SO got home (3 days till it’s mine too!) and as soon as he comes in he knows something is wrong. i burst into tears and tell him through sobs that peach is stealing my wedding. someone.stop.me. he tried to comfort me and told me to stop being jealous (yeah, good luck) and after a few minutes i calmed down.
please please someone tell me to relax, that my time will come, and more importantly, tell me that i am not the only one feeling this way.
ridiculous in richmond.
Post # 3
First off, welcome to the Hive!
There are a bunch of us waiting bees here that can completelly understand what you are going through. I am personally waiting for a ring and have been for a few months. I try to keep myself busy, hang out with my friends, read or watch one too many episodes of Say Yes to the Dress. It will happen. Just take a step back and don’t pressure your SO. He is probably planning the perfect surprise proposal for when you are least expecting it 🙂
I’m sorry that your FSIL deicded to use the beach house in the OBX to have their wedding. I really have no idea what to say about that at all 🙁
Post # 4
So far as the beach house goes, you might just have to let that go. I know it’s hard when it’s something you’ve always imagined, but I’m sure you can find a venue when the time comes that is just as special to use. You can’t hold resentment because, as you said, this gal isn’t a mind reader and you also aren’t even engaged so there’s no “stealing” going on here – just a coincidence that’s bound to happen when there’s a really great space in the family name.
Post # 5
Oh my god, I was reading this and I thought “I could have written this exact post about me!” I am going through almost the EXACT same thing. My SO asked me to move in recently, despite us already agreeing that we wouldn’t live together until we were engaged. He said he had changed his mind because it just makes more sense from a financial standpoint, and he’s right.
I have always wanted a fall wedding, and SO knows this, but I don’t want to wait until Fall 2014, but I’m afraid Fall 2013 is too soon, so I told myself that if SO proposes before March, I’ll plan a fall wedding, if not, I’ll plan a Spring 2014 wedding. Well, two of our close friends got engaged a few weeks ago, and guess what! They have set their date for the EXACT date I was thinking about in fall 2013. AH!
I know I have no reason to be mad at this couple or anything, I am super happy for them! But now I know I will not have a Fall 2013 wedding because I don’t want to steal their thunder, and I would be pissed if someone did that to me. Looks like it’ll be spring 2014 now.
I really don’t have any advice, but I just wanted to reply because I was shocked at the similarities of our stories, and wanted to let you know you aren’t alone! I guess we’ll just have to be patient, as hard as it is! Good luck! Keep us updated, I hope your proposal comes soon!
Post # 6
thanks lilliepad! good luck to you too! 🙂
Post # 7
@michellebow12: Welcome! you’ve found the right place to be to let all the CUCKOOOOO (lol) of waiting out!!! And without shame, which is such a gift when one feels so bonkers and mortified to express it to one’s SO, too.
Does your SO know about the timeline in your head? I mean, other than from what you said n your outburst after talking to your FSIL about her wedding which is happening when you wanted yours?
Aaand. . . have the two of you seriously talked about getting married? Have you told each other that this is it (though from your description of your discussions around moving in, it sounds like that is implicit in moving in and has kind of been discussed already). Basically, I think the best thing is to be honest with each other about your wants and expectations of the relationship. And what kind of timeline is good for each of you. Though this last one can be ard to talk about– it took me months of obsessing and being a crazy waiting bee before I got up the guts to ask my SO when he thought would be a good time for us to get married, and tell him my ideal time/year. His ideal timeline– 2 1/2 to 3 years– is longer than mine, which would be just over 2 years (spring 2015). But after talking about that, we were both kind of giddy and I think it might have helped him be more excited about the whole idea!
A couple more things I’ve found to help the waiting crazy (or maybe more than 2): have something to focus on for yourself, like a new job, a good exercise routine, or grad school (I’m doing the last one– what a lot of work, but necessary for my field!); make an effort to be extra nice and caring towards your SO– it helps counteract the waiting grumpies, and probably helps him think, “ooh, yes, I do want to marry her;” and finally, maybe join the Shut-it-Up pact on here. That is something that tends to circulate regularly– do a search for it. I don’t think anyone’s made a new one this week, but if you find the most recent one and ask the person who posted it to make another. . . it’s helpful because then you’re accountable for not mentioning engagement related stuff to your SO for a certain period of time. Not talking about it for a while, I’ve found, can be important because then after a while of being quiet about the little stuff, you don’t feel so weird about bringing the subject up for a serious conversation. Or that’s how I feel, anyway.
Whew! Sorry that was so long! I started this when your post had 0 replies, but by now there are probably several!!
Anyway, welcome again, and I’m sure you will find some solace here. 🙂
Post # 8
That’s the great thing about the Bee! We’re always here to virtually pat you on the back and tell you everything will ‘bee’ okay!
Post # 9
great advice creiddylad!! yes, SO and i have talked realistic timelines and i know it is coming. we always said at the 2 year mark. the thing with him is he is all about making it a surprise. i’m really “not allowed” to talk about when it will happen. to him, it is the one thing he can control and he will make it an absolute surprise (which i kinda love) and me talking about it pushes it back. awesome. i agree with you about keeping myself busy and will most definitely think of some things to do outside of the relationship. 🙂
Post # 10
@michellebow12: Awww, I’m so sorry! I would be so pissed! Obviously not at anyone, but just at the world lol. I really have no advice, except to try to discretely talk her out of it… ok, no I’m kidding. You can enjoy helping her plan, and maybe you will realize things about the beach house wedding that really wouldn’t have suited you after all!
Post # 11
@michellebow12: My reaction would be 100% the exact same as yours! Oh, when FI’s baby cousin (who is 23) got engaged, he did not have a good week because of me. I’m sorry that she’ll be getting married where and when you wanted, but you know, things change. Sure, you’ll be upset and resentful for a while or maybe forever, but at the very least, you’ll be with the man that you love.
I think these feelings are natural. In fact, I have always wanted to elope but because FI wants his mom to not resent him, we are having a wedding. I was completely upset over this. I am pretty sure I will resent him for the rest of my life, but eh, it’s life 🙂 – mostly joking. Even the best laid plans get disrupted sometimes.
Post # 12
@michellebow12: ERGGG. I’m going through the waiting game too, and it’s driving me NUTS. I’m sorry about peach taking your vision of your wedding, I’d be so incredibly upset. It sounds like you have a great guy who really wants to make your proposal special, lucky you! I wish I had some magic words to make the waiting easier, but I go crazy too!! Also, my SO said the same thing about not being allowed to know and I think that is the worst part! I am a planner and a person who likes to be in charge and not knowing is awful, he said the same thing to me “You are NOT ALLOWED TO KNOW STOP ASKING ME.” BLAH!!
Anyone have a crystal ball???
Post # 13
First of all, welcome. You’re in the right place! 🙂 Secondly, here’s a big, understanding hug!!!! I know exactly what it feels like to be so happy in your relationship, and get to the point where you know you WILL be engaged and married soon…and suddenly a button in your brain goes off, and you feel a little (lot?) crazy in the meantime!!! I swear, people who don’t even seem very into each other and who have been dating 4-7 months have been getting engaged in droves in my life. It almost starts to feel like a conspiracy to spite you!
I’m so sorry about the OBX house and timing!!! I truly hope your proposal will come very soon, and that you can find exactly the right location and time to pledge your ever-afters!!
Post # 14
wow! ya’ll are the best! 🙂