New here- has anyone else been in this situation?

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Have you tried talking to him directly about this? It sounds like you might need to have an upfront conversation about where things are headed. I know you had a talk a while back but you might need a check in. I’m sure everything is fine…guys take much longer with these things generally. You are doing the right thing by holding off on other major life decisions (money, building a house) until you know that you are both headed in the same direction.

I think moving in together sometimes takes away the initiative for the guy to move forward with marriage. Keeping the conversation giong and checking in lets him know that you still need that long term committment.

Post # 4
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

@cashmerelinn:  Welcome to the waiting hive!

I have been on the reverse of the situation.

I am the breadwinner; I have a stable career and work for a great company that I love.  SO and I met in my hometown which is a popular college town, I graduated from the University where he is currently at pursuing a PhD. 

It’s likely that he will one day be very successful, but not right now or anytime in the future.

For the most part, SO pays his half of the rent, his bills, and the electric.  I pay for the food, my half of the rent and all the other bills.  SO does take me out from time to time, but I’m sure not as much as he’d like and it’s the nature of the beast right now.  I don’t mind paying for food/more of our fun–I love him, want to be with him, and just has I’ve supported him, we plan to relocate one day and he will support me in turn.

Relationships ebb and flow and are give and take.  I don’t mind paying for things right now, saving for our future together, because I know that this is his dream, and I’m happy that I can help him pursue his dream in anyway.  I’m thinking that he (your SO) doesn’t mind paying for you just like in your #3 point that makes you uneasy.

Also–#1 and #4 points you made about the marriage….I’ve learned a lot on this website, and some of the best advice I’ve read are that relationships/marriages are not 50/50, they are 100/100 on both parts.  Why is it completely impossible that you pay everything off in 5 years once you start making money?  Have you thought about what it would look like?  Can you find someway to make this a 7 year or 10 year plan?  Have you talked to your SO about your debts?  Student loan debt through the government does not look as bad on your credit report as discover/sallie mae/etc loans.  Is he okay if this is YOUR ONLY debt?  (not sure what your other debt situation is like in terms of credit card debt, but perhaps you can aggressively pay your CC debt off and be CC debt free?)

I’ll put myself out there–when SO and I first started dating 3.5 years ago, my credit was NOT that good, but I was working on it.  I’ve paid off all of my credit card debt and now my only debt is my student loans and my auto loan, which I’m committed to paying off.  I realized that when SO and I get married and start thinking of buying a house, our credit scores will impact the other persons, and we came up with an action plan together to plan for our future in terms of good credit and savings.

I stress these things to you about debt and credit because I’m wondering if him being a ‘mythical’ person about getting married is correlated with you two living together, him being worried about the debt and worried about if him marrying you is a smart marriage move.  You need to make it clear to him that you are committed to him and want to marry him, and if this means finding a way to pay down your debt then that’s what you should do.

This is getting a little long, but you should also try and correlate your debt pay off/down with a marriage timeline.  Unless he’s being mythical because you think he is gong to propose. 

Good Luck!

Post # 5
Member
451 posts
Helper bee

I’ve never had someone support me prior to deciding on marriage but I’ve supported one in the past after engagement! (ex-husband).

No-one except he can tell you about the reasons behind his standoffish behavior (that’s assuming he knows, it probably isn’t a conscious choice).  I do know that my SO and I talked about marriage a lot in the first year of our relationship but when we actually found ourselves looking at rings (or moving in on yall’s part) he freaked out.  He retreated by to “I’d like to get marriage again someday” (no TO YOU) anymore.  Or “I need to sell this house, it’s not in a good school district, then I’ll find an apartment.” where before it was move in WITH YOU.  That went on for 6 months or so.  Then he gradually started going back to sounding like it was with me – very gradual.  And I had gotten gun-shy and started talking in the same abstract terms “when I get married again”.  So it was weird for a month or two.  Finally I did just look him in the eye and ask, “you say you want to get married in the future, is it me in that future or not”.  Keep in mind, I waited until he’d started to thaw before asking.  From then it’s picked up speed for the last 6 months and we’re getting engaged this month – exactly a year after he freaked, clammed up and shut down about marriage.  And now he’s ready and cool with it.  He hates debt, but knows I have some.  Yada yada.  It WAS a problem in his eyes until he had made up his mind, but once he decided I was the one it stopped being a problem because we’ll work on it together.  And just as a side note, he has some baggage that I’m not thrilled about, but it doesn’t keep me from thinking he’s amazing and we’ll work on it together.  So don’t beat yourself up that there are a few things surrounding money that he may not be thrilled about.  He’s with you because he wants to be.  Think about his male oddities, but take them too personally.  You worrying/feeling bad about the situation makes the situation worse and keeps him farther at arms length.  Oh, and if your first real argument makes him think less of you, he’s an idiot.  Arguments just come and go.

Post # 6
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@cashmerelinn:  A couple things (I agree with what everyone else has said thusfar!):

1. I think someone else mentioned it taking guys longer to get to the “ready for marriage” place- which is true! Also, I know 1.5 years is a solid length of time for a relationship, but it isn’t THAT long. I’ve heard that most people get engaged after about 2-2.5 years (average). In my case, my SO threw around the “getting married someday” mythical way for awhile, and the mythical person turned into me after the 2nd year mark. We did not have a serious discussion about timelines/when we’d get engaged/married until this past July, which was past the 3 year mark. so everyone’s “marriage biological clock” is a little different.

2. You mentioned that you want to have things in order, pay off debts, and worry about this 5 year pay off idea, etc. while I think this is great, and I have had these thoughts before (“when I get this job and make this much money, then things can really change..”) it isn’t always the best to live in the future, so to speak. If two people want to get married, they can figure out how to make everything work despite the debt or other hindrances. I’m not just talking about paying for a wedding- I mean all the other adjustments that come with that. Someone else gave me this advice (I have crippling student loan debt…crippling. I have an undergrad and doctoral degree from a private university). The person who gave me this advice also has a doctoral degree and loans to boot, as does her now husband. They figured things out, and if they could, why can’t i? And why can’t you? Please don’t think that you aren’t good enough now because you have debt or aren’t making enough money now. Not implying you feel this way, but just another thing to think about. Living far in the future doesn’t get anyone anywhere…you never know what can happen, if you value something, prioritize it.

 

i hope I was helpful! Please keep us posted.

Post # 7
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@veryberry13:  just wanted to say I loved your response! As always my dear, you are on point!! I need to go write some funny/exciting things on the shut it up pact soon….

Post # 8
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@cashmerelinn: The money scenario doesn’t worry me. I don’t like that he talked about the future with a hypothetical person. I would also be very bothered by that. It’s very strange to me that a man who would turn down a job offer for you and support you would make statements like that. I think it’s time for the two of you to have another chat.

Post # 9
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

I think a lot of guys refer to marriage as an extreme hypothetical when they know they’re not in a great position to get married immediately!

I’d see how it looks in 3 months, and in 6 months. Like once you’re on your feet and making money!

 

Post # 10
Member
744 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@cashmerelinn:  Have you considered the message that you sent when you told him to hold off on thoughts of buying a home until you decided whether or not you will actually get married?

I think this mythical person he has created is to 1. not put pressure onto you since he thinks you are unsure about marriage and 2. protect him from you possibly rejecting him.

I think its good he is talking about marriage even in the one day realm because that means its on his mind and a goal for the future!

Post # 11
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@BrandNewBride: Do you really think it’s that common? I have never heard of a man making statements to his live-in girlfriend to the effect of “whoever I marry.” It  makes me think about the movie Shopgirl. Steve Martin goes apartment shopping with Claire Danes and says, “This will be great if I ever settle down with someone and have kids.”

Post # 12
Member
154 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

About being financially supported while unmarried: I followed SO to his homecountry 1.5 yrs into our relationship without really having discussed marriage. He’s a couple of years into his career and I’m still in grad school – unfortunately my future earnings will likely be peanuts compared to his, and I have a student loan too – which he doesn’t. He’s been supporting me quite generously here and I don’t mind it anymore as our opportunities here are very different and I have made the bigger compromises so far. We decided a long time ago that we were a team and once we lived together we were in it together – we never separated our finances, and we’re both happy with things. It was very hard to get used to for me, though, but he finally convinced me that it was silly for me to scrape by – I realistically wouldn’t be able to afford living here on my own – when he was making all of this dough. We’ve since discussed marriage and we’re gonna do it some day when the time is right. All of this may sound completely weird to a lot of bees, but we’re European and it’s just how we roll with things over here. I really think it all depends on what goes before things, but it’s just money, and I’d do the same for him.

 

Post # 13
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@MsW-to-MrsM:  It’s definitely pretty bizarre that he’s still doing it even though they’re living together! But I’m hoping since they only recently moved in together, that’s why he’s doing it?

Post # 15
Member
816 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@sugar_biscuit:  This is exactly what I was going to say.

@cashmerelinn:  When you told him you wanted to wait to buy a home until you are sure you want to be married may have told him that you aren’t sure whereas he already was. This may be why he is speaking in hypotheticals because you aren’t “there yet.” I think he is treading lightly to not scare you.

My DH and I spoke a lot in hypotheticals, and then it turned in to “if” and then, one day he said, “I can’t wait to marry you.” We were engaged 3 months later and married two months after that.

Post # 16
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@luckylady3090:  I just wanted to wave because I see you had a beach wedding in Carmel! I live near Carmel! Now I must go read your other posts to see if you posted about your wedding/photos etc… we are planning to get engaged soon and will probably look at venues around Carmel/Monterey/Pacific Grove/Pebble Beach 🙂 I love it here so much!

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