- 3 years ago
Hi Bees! I have lurked here for a while since discovering the site as a bridesmaid in my friend’s wedding, and now I feel that this may be the community to go to with my questions about my current situation. I’ll try to give you the Reader’s Digest version, but sorry if it gets a bit unwieldy:
SO and I have been together for 1.5 years. Both in mid/late 20’s. We met while I was in my internship year of grad school, and he has been well established in his career for a while. Toward the end of my final year of school, I learned that my former employer, who was LITERALLY the ONLY person in my profession in our entire city, was retiring, and wanted me to come back to take over his work. It was tempting, but of course, scary, and I got a lot of pushback from my colleagues and teachers who thought that striking out on my own directly after graduation was a bad idea. But there was a huge opportunity here, and I wanted very badly to go home. My boyfriend was the one who encouraged me to follow my dream and take the plunge, and in an even stronger show of support, he turned down a more lucrative job offer to take a position that would allow him to move to my home city with me.
My business has been going very well- I have so many projects that I have started to have to put people on a waiting list. Of course, it has been only three months and you don’t get paid until you get the projects done in this line of work. I have FINALLY finished my first big project and will be getting paid next week for it. Since our move, I have been managing to reliably cover my half of the rent and the whole electric bill (as well as my own phone and student loan bills), while he has been taking care of the internet, gas bill, and basically all food and going out. etc. He also bought my ticket to go visit his family with him for Christmas. I feel quite uncomfortable having him pay for as much as he does. He’s not at all mean or controlling about it, but he is practical and sometimes has to remind me that we can’t do certain things (like get a dog) until I start making a real living from my business. He is always supportive when he says this, and reminds me that that moment is just around the corner, but it does sometimes make me feel bad about everything he is having to cover right now.
So what’s the problem, you ask? Well, just before we moved, I felt that it was necessary to have a discussion about where we thought our relationship was going. He had mentioned buying a house a few times, and I made it clear that that was not happening until we decided whether we were getting married or not. At the time of the talk, we basically decided to give it a year and see where we were at point. Since then, though, I have seen how incredibly supportive he is and how much I love our life together, and I’m pretty sure I want to marry this man. So now, it bothers me when the idea comes up in discussions and he says something like, “whoever I end up marrying *something something*” or basically always refers to some mythical person instead of putting *me* in that scenario in his mind. It’s unnerving for a few reasons:
1) He used to joke about us getting married and having kids all the time *BEFORE* we had that talk and moved in together. Now it’s always this mythical person whenever marriage comes up.
2) We have had some rough patches since moving because I was SUPER stressed out over my first project, which just happened to be a huge learning curve for me and killed bits of my soul as it required me to work 12 hour days for weeks on end without a break. Apparently, I can become a bit hard to live with in that situation. Go figure. Things are fine now, but I wonder if that period, which included our first real “fight,” changed something in his mind about me?
3) It makes me very uncomfortable to basically be taking money from someone who doesn’t see me as a definite part of his future. Especially when part of that money is going toward me spending a major holiday with his family (whom I have met before and adore, by the way).
4) The only other time I have brought up marriage since moving was to tell him that his fantasy that I am going to pay off my student loans in 5 years is just that, a fantasy. His family is quite well off, so he’s not familiar with debt and had no idea that you can’t pay off a debt like this on a salary like mine very quickly. I felt that I had to give him a reality check because he kept bringing it up, and then when I asked him if that changed his ideas about our future or would hold him back in moving the relationship forward, he said he didn’t know.
Let me be clear, I am not in any hurry to get married. I realize that I need to get my own situation together and be stable before that could possibly happen. It just bothers me that this step in our relationship (moving in together) has changed his rhetoric so drastically. I’m confused. Has this ever happened to anyone else? Has anyone else basically had a SO supporting them financially before it was actually established that you were going to get married?