New Here & Need Some Advise- Missing an old guy friend

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

THERAPY. You need to talk this one out if your gut isn’t telling you strongly enough to do one thing or the other.

I broke up with a lovely wonderful man when I was 22 bc I was just too young to keep going. I sowed my wild oats and did lots of fun stuff and don’t regret it at all. But I’m not really sure I would have regretted it if I’d stayed with him, either. I do know that I didn’t meet any viable husbands until now, 20 years later! I’m really happy to be with my FI now, but I feel LUCKY. I was getting pretty lonely these last 8 years or so, you know?

But again, you may already know the answer. Breaking up is a nightmare, especially with someone you love, who is a good person. I know! But sometimes that’s what needs to be done.  

Post # 5
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Oh, man. That’s rough.

I think if you’re not 300% ready to settle down, I don’t think you’ll be happy when/if you do it! I think you need to really live your life and enjoy everything out there first.

And I think if you can feel THAT deeply about a high school relationship 10 years later… You’re not ready to settle down. Mr Right seems more like Mr Right Now to me!

Post # 7
457 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

The first thing you need to do is to get to the place of 100% (not “kinda”) acceptance of the fact that you “old flame” is now completely off limits to you. It sounds like you are continuing to fantasize about him, and that is not healthy for you, nor is it fair to his wife, and you have NO right to say that she isn’t the one for him. They are in love, they chose each other and married, and it is not your business in any way, shape or form. Get over it already.

That’s the tough love part . . .

You’re going through a rough patch now with your health issues and your lack of clarity about your present relationship. Be kind to yourself . . . and realize that time is on your side. It sounds like you could really use some time on your own – and I would strongly recommend that you make that happen for yourself. To live on your own while continuing to date your boyfriend (if you both want to continue) is not at all an unreasonable plan for two young folks such as yourselves. You will have some time to breathe, get centered about your health struggles – and have some time to evaluate what your relationship with him means to you.

It will be hard for your boyfriend to accept initially, but if you let him know how much you need this, and instead he makes it all about him and his needs – well, there you have your answer.

And as for that “old flame” – any time you find your thoughts turning that way, be strong and resolute and STOP. Just stop.

Post # 8
9859 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

@ThisGirl:  I understand how you’re feeling.  My version was a guy that I met when I was 13, we clicked immediatley, we dated off and on (more off than on) for the next 8 years.  We would have these passionate reconnections followed by dramatic breakups.  More than once one of us ‘cheated’ on a significant other with the other (I use the term cheated loosely as we were really kids and nothing was particularly serious – a lot of making out).  We finally actually slept together 9 years ago this past summer – it was TERRIBLE.  I came to visit him for a few days one summer while he was living away with his sister.  We had no actual compatability in that department.  Making out was always great, sex not so much. 

It took me a really really long time to let him go.  Part of me always believed we’d end up together.  FH and I have been together 9 years ago this week.  Even since we’ve been together I had moments where I questioned, but I realized that FH is without a doubt the right person for me.  You’re remembering the bright points, we forget the dark.

Post # 10
2114 posts
Buzzing bee

@ThisGirl:  That is a really tough situation. You sound more content in your relationship than enything else. You love him, but maybe not in love? I think you owe it to him to maybe see a councilor about everything that is going on and try to work through it. But at the end of the day, if you are not truly happy it is time to leave. At least you can leave knowing you did all you could and you wont have to wonder “what if”.

Post # 11
148 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

@ThisGirl:  It’s hard for me to not be biased here, because I am engaged to my ‘best guy friend’ from high school. We had a similar situation to yours, though we were romantically & sexually involved, but timing never allowed us to date. He was always my ‘go-to,’ though, even when we were dating other people; we always went to each other for advice & comforting. He was the same person for me, the one I couldn’t let go.

Anyways, with that being said, do you think it’s possible that your memories are fooling you? I’m sure you had a wonderful connection with him, but is it possible that you are remembering all the good but none of the bad? I know a lot of people tend to do this without meaning to, especially when reflecting on relationships with exes. 

My only advice is to seek counciling as well, unfortunately. It seems a professional is the only person who can ask you all of the necessary questions to help you determine your next step. 

Best of luck to you, darling. Wishing you the best 

Post # 12
498 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@ThisGirl:  you have to let it go or its gonna drive u crazy…i once had a great guy friend and we had a deep connection and he was always my go to guy for everything…he came into the picture 2 weeks after i met my ex so we couldnt date because i was dating but we became really close…my ex and i broke up and we got a little more involved but nothing serious due to insecurities and fears i has from my breakup with my he was away at college and my ex had cheated and done other stuff while we were in a long distance relationship and i didnt want that kind of relationship again..a couple years later i met my fiance and fell in love…while i deeply care for my friend and knew we could of had a great relationship…i love my fiance and i am in love with him…i think u need to sit and think about whether u will regret marry him and spending your life with…just remember u cant have your old flame…just think…if you leave your current guy will u regret it later? Good guys dont come around that often…

Post # 13
1802 posts
Buzzing bee

If you’re not sure that you’re ready to settle down yet then don’t! Talk to your guy about this because the only way things will work out between you two is if you talk it over. I think this happens to a lot of people who meet when they are young, and it has happened to both my SO and I. 

We met when I was 15 and he was 17, and we’ve been together going on five years now. There came a time after about 2-3 years in the relationship for me when I just wasn’t sure about everything, and it coincided with a very big life change: graduating from high school and going to college. I felt like I was choosing my school, career, living situation, etc. just based on the fact that I was in a long term relationship. I chose a safe career where I knew I could make plenty of money at a school close to home so I could commute. I then realized I was extremely unhappy, and I thought it was because of him. I kind of resented him for the fact, but then I realized that I was the one who made these decisions. I talked to him about it, and he told me he literally didn’t care what I did in life, if I finished school, where, etc. as long as we were together. I changed my major to something I wanted, and transferred to a school that I wanted to go to. Although we are living together now, he still encourages me all the time to get out and do what I want. Just because we’re together doesn’t mean I can’t take an internship or study abroad, start a career, whatever.

My SO experienced the same feelings, which also happened during a big life changing thing. He was about to graduate college. At this point, we had been dating since his senior year of high school, so he was in a relationship for his entire college career. I think it scared him that he was “settling” when most guys are out partying, meeting multiple girls, etc. and all he had was me. Things almost ended for us, but we talked about it and worked things through together. That was about 7 months, and things for us have been great (better than before) ever since. We got to a point in our relationship where things were just a routine, and we hit a roadblock that we needed to overcome to make things better for the both of us.

I think it’s common for younger couples to have feelings like this for many reasons. First of all, how is it that we were able to find “the one” so young in our lives? Most people spend years searching for someone, but how do you end up with someone that you want to spend forever with just living down the street or in the same dorm building? Also, things are different when you’re in a relationship, and there is someone else to think about other than yourself. It sometimes feels like your SO is holding you back because you can’t do all the things you imagined doing in life. 

Talk to your SO about it, and if he doesn’t encourage and support you then I really don’t think he is the guy for you. He should be understanding of these feelings, and want you to do whatever you need to do to feel better. What is it that you’ve always wanted to do but feel that you can’t because of your relationship responsibilites? If he doesn’t tell you to go for it then I for one know that I wouldn’t want to be with him.

I would also like to add that if you are literally trying to get away from him somehow then it probably isn’t right for you to stay with him. Like I said before, I would LOVE to work in Europe at some point in my life, but only if I can have my SO with me. You have to learn to compromise. Maybe you get to do your thing for a year, he gets to do his for a year. Whatever works for the two of you. 

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