Weddingbee boards

I'm not sure what you're asking advice on. Planning the wedding? Moving house? Telling your parents what, exactly? My gut reaction is that if you are scared to tell your parents you're getting married, you're probably too young to get married. But I don't know if that's what you're asking, and I don't know your parents. Quite possibly there are 30 year olds who get nervous about telling their parents too, it just depends on the family.

My best friend moved out at 16 due to lots of problems at home, he survived just fine and has travelled, put himself through college and now working and doing great (we are 28). I 100% believe it's possible for people to do this, I also know it's very hard work to succeed this way, so kudos to you.

I guess I don't know what your asking advice about.  Is there a specific aspect of all this that you have a question about? 

Practically, as someone who is planning on moving and getting married within two weeks of each other, I can tell you that both will drain your savings.  Moving has a lot of unexpected expenses associated with it.  If you are moving from rental to rental, you will have to pay the new security deposit before you get the old one back (if you get it back at all), and might have a month where you have to pay rent on both the old and the new place.  In addition to paying for things like having the carpets cleaned at the old place, getting a moving truck, etc.  So you want to be careful to make sure you have a lot of savings to buffer you though a move.  If you have something like $7000 in the bank and want to use $5000 on a wedding thinking that you'll still have $2000 left, well you might have to dip into that for the move, and then you could find yourself very financially uncomfortable.

As to telling your parents, well I assume you have to because in most areas you need parental permission to marry under the age if 18.  If you aren't yet 17, and you want to get married in a year, you might have a problem there.  If your situation with your parents was abusive, you may want to push your date back until you are 18 and can do it without involving them.  Either way, I would assume that they would not be contributing money, so you need to have enough savings to pay for it yourself.  Keep in mind that weddings almost always go over budget as well, no matter how big or small that budget it.

Honestly, the best advice I can give you is to build your savings!  The number one cause of divorce is money problems, and in this economy I would tell every couple, no matter how old or young, to make sure that after the wedding bills are paid, you still have enough savings to live on for at least 6 months, if not more.  You absolutely want to get your marriage off on the right foot.  It's not just about getting married, it's about starting a marriage, and even women twice your age seem to forget that sometimes.  Get premarital counseling, not because you are young but because it is a great way for any couple to strengthen their relationship, and to make sure they are on the same page regarding expectations within a marriage.  You want to be sure you agree on how you will do your finances, how you will make decisions about spending and saving, what are you expectations regarding spending time with each other or hanging out with friends, how you will deal with issues regarding extended family (especially with parents like yours) etc.etc.etc.

So yeah, that's my advice to you.  Make sure you go into this with you eyes wide open, and have set your marriage up on the strongest foundation you possibly can, practically (like having savings) and emotionally (with premarital counseling). And that's something that is important for anyone considering marriage to do.  relationships can always be strengthened, no matter what your age, and it is always important to be self conscious about those things, rather than just assuming that the fact that you love each other will get you through with out any work.  Marriage is really hard, even for couples who love each other more than anything...

@rachaelrobin: sorry, but I have to disagree.  $48,000 can be very comfortable, if you manage it right.  I think what is more important is how responsible a couple is at allocating their resources and living within their means, and those are characteristics that some people with five times that income don't manage to do.  I would be more concerned about whether the jobs JB4evr and her FI work offer benefits and opportunity for advancement, and the fact that some of that income is coming from a second job on the part of JB4evr which may not be sustainable in the long run.

@JB4evr: Why do you want opinions on your marriage? Realistically, there is no amount of info that you can tell us here that would qualify us to make comments on your relationship.  We don't know you or your FI.  Even if you tell us a lot about yourselves, we still won't know you, you know what I mean? 

As to your parents, I still think this depends on how abusive they were.  To me that's a very loaded word.  If you would fear for your physical safety in their presence, then you should just cut them out of your life.  Same goes if they were ever sexually abusive.  If it was a matter of emotional abuse, then you need to be very prepared for them to continue their abusive ways in this conversation.  I would suggest writing a letter in that case, so you don't have to take the brunt of their emotion when they find out.  Be prepared for them to say some really hurtful things.  I'm not sure what else to tell you on that one...

@emb610: well said.

@JB4evr: you ask for advice and the ladies are giving you some. It seems to me that most if it is not advice you wanted to hear and so now your comments are just a teen hissy fit.

I agree with other posters. Stop creating posts about the same topic and complaining about the responses. Plan your wedding, have fun, and quit bringing up age if it doesn't matter to you.

Honestly, the way you have handled the previous thread, and now starting another one about the EXACT same thing wanting different answers, just kinda shows me that you are still just a 16 year old. In the end you will obviously do what you want to do, but don't keep asking the same question here expecting people to tell you that getting married so young is the best thing ever. Most people aren't going to give you that answer. I am only 20, will be 21 when I get married. Yes I am young also, I have a two year old daughter, my FI is a career Fireman and I work in a hospital. We have CAREER jobs. This isn't a job that we expect to only carry for a few years and that is just getting us by. If we weren't in a stable position like we are now we would not be getting married. You have to understand that even though you have "been through alot" and had other relationships before this doesn't mean you are ready to get married! Marriage is more than just being so in love with someone. If I had married the guy I was dating when I was 17 I would be in a living nightmare. At the time I thought he hung the moon and lit the stars, but guess what he turned out to be a total LOSER and I thank God I never married him.

Honestly I think 16 is pretty young to have had that many SERIOUS relationships. I never dated anyone serious in high school. I dated FI for about 1 week in high school but it took us 4 years to where we actually considered being in a relationship. So much changes throughout high school and it makes me sad that instead of doing high school things you are instead planning a wedding.  

I do want to say that it also ticks me off a little bit too when someone says you don't have hindsight at 16 like you do at 27 or whatever but guess what do 27 year olds have the hindsight of a 40 year old? So really who is to say what age is the right one to get married at? FI's mom told me that as the years go by we will change and be different people, the best thing to do is change and grow together. 

I wish you luck in whatever you may do, but please don't continue to create new threads about young brides and bringing it up over and over. You will get the same results.

- long post.

Coming from another young bride (I'll be 21 on the wedding day):

People out there may say things like, "at such-and-such an age you're not who you will be at an older age", but I honestly believe that as long as you're aware that you're going to grow, and you make an effort of growing together instead of apart, it can work. If you understand that divorce is not an easy out, but rather a last resort, you're one step ahead of a lot of people.

You sound like you're been through a lot already in your life, and to me the fact that you took yourself out of a harmful situation shows maturity. Many people in abusive spots blame themselves and never leave the circle.

I find in today's society there is a 'magic' placed upon those who get married at an older age. I firmly believe it's not the age that makes the differece. I know people who got married at the age of 18 and are still incredibly happy with eachother 25+ years, and 4 kids later. I also know people who got married at 40+, and barely lasted a year.

You know yourself best, and you know your fiance better than we do. If you guys are willing to embark on this journey, I'm happy for you. It won't be easy, but will it be worth it? Heck yes.

In regards to the questions you asked... Is there any one else you could get addresses from? A grandparent, and aunt or uncle, etc? Obviously your parents should be informed of your decisions, but just in case they don't approve and refuse to give you the information you seek, it's good to have a back up.

I think it would be smart to let your parents know that at this point your decision isn't based on them, but it would mean a lot if they could be there for you.

As for planning, figure out what you want first and foremost, and work on a budget. How much can you two save and justify spending on one day? Make that your limit. There are a lot of tools (like the knot) that will take your budget, estimate guests, and give you a sample of what should be spent on each different 'topic'. Maybe pick up a wedding planning book that will give you a lot of ideas?

Of course there's always WB for fantastic ideas - I'm so inspired by the stuff on this site that I have to sit down constantly and decide what's not going to make the cut.

If you need anything else, feel free to message me! I'd be more than happy to help out a fellow young bride :)