(Closed) new thread about marrying young PLEASE READ

posted 8 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 3
Member
3295 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

if you dont mind my asking… how long have you and your bf been together??

Post # 4
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

I’m not sure what you’re asking advice on. Planning the wedding? Moving house? Telling your parents what, exactly? My gut reaction is that if you are scared to tell your parents you’re getting married, you’re probably too young to get married. But I don’t know if that’s what you’re asking, and I don’t know your parents. Quite possibly there are 30 year olds who get nervous about telling their parents too, it just depends on the family.

My best friend moved out at 16 due to lots of problems at home, he survived just fine and has travelled, put himself through college and now working and doing great (we are 28). I 100% believe it’s possible for people to do this, I also know it’s very hard work to succeed this way, so kudos to you.

Post # 5
Member
5670 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

It sounds as though your house was not a save place to live and that you do not have strong family support. If you moved out because of abuse, I wouldn’t look back. It sounds as though you were able to get out of a bad situation and have found someone to be your side through the difficuly journey of rebuilding your life. Congratulations! Also, you don’t just have to get married because now, you can stay with him and always wait and see where things take you down the road. Whether you get married or not, please still focus on you. You are 17 and have your life ahead of you. Try to finish school and work hard to obtain a good career so you can become financially stable in order to support yourself and your future family wherever life may bring you. Please never just rely on a man, you need to rely on yourself as well.

Post # 6
Member
2237 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’m confused…

“ok so my other thread brough up some issues and stuff i would like to address in a new one”

Well your last thread sounded like it was just asking why people had a problem with you being so young and getting married, and those were the comments you received. 

Now you’re asking for advice but not really saying what you want advice about; about dealing with people who don’t approve of your decision?  Well if you can’t handle the disapproval, I’m sorry, but there will be no way to make it stop.  Today’s society does not approve of people getting married so young.  About telling your parents?  If you had to leave your home because of abuse, why would you even care about telling them?

I think most of us are just really confused.  I feel like you’re just looking for reassurance on the boards, and I’m sorry, but you aren’t going to get it, like I said before, today’s society just doesn’t approve of people getting married so young.

Post # 7
Member
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I guess I don’t know what your asking advice about.  Is there a specific aspect of all this that you have a question about? 

Practically, as someone who is planning on moving and getting married within two weeks of each other, I can tell you that both will drain your savings.  Moving has a lot of unexpected expenses associated with it.  If you are moving from rental to rental, you will have to pay the new security deposit before you get the old one back (if you get it back at all), and might have a month where you have to pay rent on both the old and the new place.  In addition to paying for things like having the carpets cleaned at the old place, getting a moving truck, etc.  So you want to be careful to make sure you have a lot of savings to buffer you though a move.  If you have something like $7000 in the bank and want to use $5000 on a wedding thinking that you’ll still have $2000 left, well you might have to dip into that for the move, and then you could find yourself very financially uncomfortable.

As to telling your parents, well I assume you have to because in most areas you need parental permission to marry under the age if 18.  If you aren’t yet 17, and you want to get married in a year, you might have a problem there.  If your situation with your parents was abusive, you may want to push your date back until you are 18 and can do it without involving them.  Either way, I would assume that they would not be contributing money, so you need to have enough savings to pay for it yourself.  Keep in mind that weddings almost always go over budget as well, no matter how big or small that budget it.

Honestly, the best advice I can give you is to build your savings!  The number one cause of divorce is money problems, and in this economy I would tell every couple, no matter how old or young, to make sure that after the wedding bills are paid, you still have enough savings to live on for at least 6 months, if not more.  You absolutely want to get your marriage off on the right foot.  It’s not just about getting married, it’s about starting a marriage, and even women twice your age seem to forget that sometimes.  Get premarital counseling, not because you are young but because it is a great way for any couple to strengthen their relationship, and to make sure they are on the same page regarding expectations within a marriage.  You want to be sure you agree on how you will do your finances, how you will make decisions about spending and saving, what are you expectations regarding spending time with each other or hanging out with friends, how you will deal with issues regarding extended family (especially with parents like yours) etc.etc.etc.

So yeah, that’s my advice to you.  Make sure you go into this with you eyes wide open, and have set your marriage up on the strongest foundation you possibly can, practically (like having savings) and emotionally (with premarital counseling). And that’s something that is important for anyone considering marriage to do.  relationships can always be strengthened, no matter what your age, and it is always important to be self conscious about those things, rather than just assuming that the fact that you love each other will get you through with out any work.  Marriage is really hard, even for couples who love each other more than anything…

Post # 9
Member
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Perhaps this was answered in another thread but I have two questions: Are you two engaged?  and How old is your boyfriend/fiance?

Post # 10
Member
2788 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Look, felicity in marriage isn’t a guarantee at any age.  However there are many extenuating factors which either stack the cards in your favor or not.  Age/life experiences is certainly one, money/finances is definitely another.

I see that you are both working, but honestly $48,000 per year, with both of your salaries isn’t a whole lot….in the long run.  Yes it is doable, and obviously the cost of living is different in every part of the country and abroad.  But will that be enough for pet food, baby food, diapers, entertainment, doctors visits, 401K, car payments, insurance, rent etc?

What is the rush to get married? Can you support yourself for awhile on your salary and just live on your own for a bit?

Either way, good luck!

Post # 11
Member
377 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Just my two cents, from someone who really remembers what it’s like to be 17…

Who you are at 17 is not even close to who you are at 22. That person doesn’t resemble the person you’ll be at 26, and by 30 you’ll be in an entirely different place. 

I don’t doubt that you are a mature, responsible young woman. From personal experience, though, I can say that today I would never look twice at most of the guys I was in love with at 17. If I’d chosen my husband then I can say with 90% certainty that they’re not someone I’d want to be married to today.

I’m not saying this is the case with you. Just something to think about. You will change a lot over the next decade. Personally, I would set your wedding date for after college.

 

Post # 12
Member
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

@rachaelrobin: sorry, but I have to disagree.  $48,000 can be very comfortable, if you manage it right.  I think what is more important is how responsible a couple is at allocating their resources and living within their means, and those are characteristics that some people with five times that income don’t manage to do.  I would be more concerned about whether the jobs JB4evr and her FI work offer benefits and opportunity for advancement, and the fact that some of that income is coming from a second job on the part of JB4evr which may not be sustainable in the long run.

 

@JB4evr: Why do you want opinions on your marriage? Realistically, there is no amount of info that you can tell us here that would qualify us to make comments on your relationship.  We don’t know you or your FI.  Even if you tell us a lot about yourselves, we still won’t know you, you know what I mean? 

As to your parents, I still think this depends on how abusive they were.  To me that’s a very loaded word.  If you would fear for your physical safety in their presence, then you should just cut them out of your life.  Same goes if they were ever sexually abusive.  If it was a matter of emotional abuse, then you need to be very prepared for them to continue their abusive ways in this conversation.  I would suggest writing a letter in that case, so you don’t have to take the brunt of their emotion when they find out.  Be prepared for them to say some really hurtful things.  I’m not sure what else to tell you on that one…

Post # 13
Member
6598 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

In my opinion if you are mature enough to live on your own etc. you are mature enough to stay in a committed relationship until you can financially afford a wedding and know that you are ready for marriage. (I know you say you are ready but just the fact that you posted this post makes me think you are having doubts due to the other thread) Waiting to get married if you are in a healthy committed relationship should not have ANY negative effect on your relationship and should just have positive effects.

In that time you can both carryout your plans for school, can save up to buy a house, get established in your careers and save up for a wedding.

How are you planning to pay for your wedding currently?

As for telling you parents – I would just tell them. If you are as mature and ready for marriage as you say people should be happy for you and respond accordingly. Are you engaged yet? If so, call them up and tell them how excited you are because you are engaged! And then you can tell them that you are planning the wedding for such and such a date!

As far as planning a wedding goes, the only difference I see between you and anyone else is that you won’t be able to sign any vendor contracts. So you will have to take your BF with you to all vendor appointments. Additionally, you may find that vendors may not take you seriously because of your age! The first step in planning; however, is to create a budget and figure out how you are going to pay for your wedding!

Good Luck!

Post # 14
Member
11327 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I’m wondering what your plans are for school, work etc? 

 

Look… it CAN work. My mom got married at 17 and almost 34 years later she has one of the happiest marriages I’ve seen. But it comes at a price…. and most of the time when you get married that young it is your identity as an independent person. If you get married so young its going to be harder to go to and finish college, to pursue your career, etc. A lot of times to get to a place you’re happy in your career you have to be a little selfish… which is why its kind of nice to meet someone once you’re already there. My mom always talks about how she never got a chance to really find out who SHE is. She moved straight from her mother’s house to her husband’s house. She never had a “career”… just a series of jobs. She never had a chance to finish school because there were bills to pay. Now that her kids are grown and out of the house… she’s honestly a little lost. She never got to find out who she was other than x’s wife and y and z’s mother. 

I think that my parents were really lucky (and also really really committed to making it work). I just wonder why you can’t just live together and hold off on marriage until you’re a little older? If you want to marry him now you’ll either want to marry him more in 5 years (in which case— awesome! and you’ve got more money!) or you won’t want to marry him anymore… and you saved yourself a messy divorce. 

Post # 15
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Hmm well it sounds almost like you are fleeing an abusive environment to immediately marry the first person you’ve felt safe/stable with. This, to me, sounds like a very bad idea. Obviously, being in a safe, positive relationship is wonderful, but to make that leap at such a young age when you are so inexperienced with so many extenuating circumstances seems particularly unwise……

Post # 16
Member
7779 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@FMM: Amen at your first paragraph! Took the words out of my mouth.

Okay. I posted in your other thread. I am marrying my high school sweetheart, so we’ve been together since we are teenagers. BUT, I am now 22 and out of college. I really, really think that you should rethink this. The only reason that FI and I are getting married as young as we are (yes, even I think we’re too young) is because he’s in the military and it will make things much easier. Yes, we do want to marry each other but we never planned on doing it this young, we we’re shooting for 25-26 before he enlisted. Please, listen to these ladies. I know at 17 you think that you know everything and that no one else can tell you what to do, I remember it clearly, but you don’t. You don’t. Please consider waiting. I think that in a few years you will be like my mom, regretting that you never got to enjoy being young. She got married at 18 and they’ve been married for 35 years and she regrets every day that she didnt wait until she was older.

As for wedding planning, the best advice I can give is to shop around. Do lots of research, compare prices and dont be afraid to haggle. We got deals on the venue, florist and a HUGE one on our photographer through haggling.

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