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posted 2 weeks ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
425 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

I’m so sorry bee: you did everything you guys talked about and proposed when you were ready. You’re ready and he’s not. This is a really tough situation. You’ve tried talking to him, but he’s just not ready. It might be time to do some serious soul searching and it might be time to leave. It’s not good to feel so rejected and lost, you were serious and are ready for marriage. 

Post # 3
Member
1027 posts
Bumble bee

Both of you have already been married twice. I think he is right in waiting to be ready and sure before you both get married for the third time. 

ETA: you keep talking about the ring and being proposed to. But not about being in a committed marriage with a partner. Seems like your focus is on the proposal and ring rather than the relationship being healthy. 

Post # 4
Member
2042 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Wow, that’s so cool that you proposed! Go you!

Unfortunately I think he was calling your bluff because most women wouldn’t go through the trouble that you did. 

I’d have a talk with him about how he conceded his control when he said he wanted you to propose, so he loses the right to stall you. He either accepts or rejects like any of us women do.

I mean if the roles were reversed and the woman took off her e-ring the next day saying, “Yeah, I’ll wear it when I’m ready to,” the man wouldn’t tolerate it! So why should you?

 

Post # 5
Member
7540 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Yeah no. He led you to believe he was waiting for you to be ready, and then when you proposed (and your proposal sounds so sweet!) he put the ring on for one day and wasn’t clear verbally until you asked him why he wasn’t wearing it, at which point he put you off further by saying he’d wear it when he proposed to you. 

His communication is crappy, and as  is_a_belle :  pointed out, if a female bee did this to a man it wouldn’t be cool so the same standard applies here. 

I would go back to his suggestion that he was waiting for you. What was that all about, what changed? If he’s worth keeping, you guys can have a real heart to heart that explains his mixed signals. If he puts it off on you and you’re left feeling vaguely crappy and insecure, I’d do a rethink.

Post # 7
Member
1027 posts
Bumble bee

jessicahines :  well then that just sounds like a really crappy place to be in. It sounds like you did everything right and do have a great relationship. Perhaps he is worried about divorcing a third time? 

Post # 8
Member
40 posts
Newbee

Considering the fact that you’ve both been married twice I think 2 years is a little rushed and I can see why he wouldn’t be ready yet.

Post # 11
Member
1027 posts
Bumble bee

jessicahines :  well his being ready is contingent on something. Had he pointed out what he is waiting to feel ready for, then you could have some piece of mind. However it feels very arbitrary. I would suggest you do some introspection and reflect on the feeling that you two are not committed and see where you get. Have you considered seeing a therapist to talk through these issues of control and OCD?

Post # 13
Member
5394 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2050

jessicahines :  It’s natural you would feel rejected and confused after that. That was really crappy of him. I wouldn’t characterize it as “he was calling your bluff”. He was the one bluffing and you weren’t even calling HIS bluff because you truly believed him. Because why wouldn’t you?

I’m really sad that you took such care and went out on a limb like that and now he’s moving the goalpost on you. I think it’s important to understand that it’s not a matter of “doing it right.” You already did it right. He’s not ready to commit to you and that’s the full answer. Saying “I want to do it right” makes him feel nicer than saying “I don’t want to marry you right now.” It also implies that you asking him was doing it wrong, which is especially cruel since he is the one who said that’s what he wanted.

It’s fine if he’s not ready but it was so shitty for him to act like he was and let you go through all that. I would hold him accountable for that. He wasn’t honest. 

Post # 14
Member
1061 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

You did everything he asked for and that you’d agreed upon, and suddenly he changed his tune. I wonder if perhaps he didn’t think you’d actually go through with it. He’s giving you no timeline, and seems pretty callous in his response to you. Had I planned a thoughtful proposal at his request and had him say yes, and then had him change his mind, I’d honestly choose to leave. I don’t know that I could get over that kind of rejection. 

FTR, my H has been married/divorced twice and he did not need two years to know that he wanted to marry me.

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