Post # 16
if he can’t give you a less vague answer than “not the right time”, then you need to either accept that you may be waiting 5+ years for a proposal from this guy or move on. you are justified in asking for a more concrete explanation, whether that be he wants to be more financially stable, or he wants to see if your relationship is still solid after say 3 years…but waiting for the nebulous “right time” will spiral you into a depressive, self-loathing mess. you deserve someone who is as sure about you as you are about them. kind of contrary to other posters, I’m inclined to think that both your past marriages make you better at identifying which things you really want and need in a partner, so I think 2 years is plenty of time for you to know or not know. I’d say in the context of this situation it’s time to break out the ultimatum. Figure out what the absolute maximum amount of time you’re willing to wait is, and straight up tell him “I will give you one more year/6 months/1 week from today to figure out if this is it or not” and if nothing changes, WALK.
Post # 17
I swore I would never remarry as my divorce was the divorce from hell. It took me a long, LONG time to be sure I was ready to commit to my husband. I cannot imagine going thru that again. In all candor I must admit to actually taking a pen and paper and writing out the pros/cons of remarriage.
I truly doubt I’d have the emotional fortitude to try a third time.
Post # 18
Thank you for all the helpful advise Bees. I took some suggestions and I had him over for dinner this evening. We had a very long talk. In conclusion his “not ready yet” does not mean that he doesn’t want to marry me. It doesn’t mean that he’s not emotionally ready or at a different stage in the relationship than I am. His not being ready yet is because he wants the time to be able to make it all meaningful and special. He said that what I deserve is a nice ring and a special, surprise proposal. He wants to take his time and make it meaningful.
That’s all that I really needed to hear. For months I’ve been stuck not understanding why he’d say yes to me but be “not ready” to make that commitment by proposing to me.
So, he’s going to do it. I don’t know why. I hope it’s sometime this year or I just don’t know how I’ll feel. I guess it would be something I’d have to revisit again if it takes that long.
But just knowing that he is emotionally ready, and that he just wants to make it special for me really does help.
I do believe him when he says this. I did tell him that he could’ve saved me 5 months of anguish had he just explained this to me earlier. lol.
Post # 19
If I had a nickel for every post I saw with “he just wants to surprise me and make it special” It sounds to me like he is just saying things you want to hear so you don’t leave 🙁
Post # 20
I guess that’s a possibility, though I never threatened to leave. The thought of leaving him just hurts worse than the thought of never getting married to him. If he were to tell me that he does not want to marry me ever, I could handle that better than what I had been going through not knowing where he stands.
I’m just praying that he really does want to make it special. It doesn’t make any sense otherwise. We’d talked about what kind of ring I want, what size,etc.
Post # 21
jessicahines : oh honey, I’m so happy he managed to tell you how he feels. Guys hate to be pressured, so once we stopped pressuring them into marrying us, they just do it. I hope that’s the case for you!
I know even after the assurance I get from my SO, it will get me through a few weeks then I need to know why he still hasn’t proposed because everything felt good. Insane, I know but this has been two years.
Post # 22
jessicahines : I don’t get it. He asked you to propose. You did. He accepted. It’s been 5 months since you proposed and he hasn’t gotten it together to give you a “special, surprise proposal”? I’m sorry, but nothing about this rings true at all. IMO, he doesn’t want you to leave, but he also doesn’t want to propose. I’d really, strongly consider the fact that actions speak louder than words.
Post # 23
I’m hoping his answer today can tied me over for a while. I know me, and I know I’ll end up bringing it up again. I just hope that I can hold off for just a little while. Maybe once it’s his idea and I’m not pressuring him, he’ll ask. I’m just thinking positive. I’m going to set my goal to try not to bring it up again until at least June. That’s 2 and a half months of me not saying a word about it, if I can stick to it. By that point, I’ll have no choice but to revisit the situation. Wish me luck. I hope I can hold out that long before mentioning it again. I know 2 and a half months isn’t that long, but when you’re waiting for something that you want so badly, it feels like an eternity.
Post # 24
Just a quick update. He bought the ring yesterday!! I picked it out. We had to get it sized and he picked it up today. He’s bringing it over tonight just to make sure it fits me. Now the official waiting begins. After I make sure it fits, I’ll be handing it back…. reluctantly. I know he’s going to propose, but he wants to make it special. Buying the ring wasn’t expected. We planned to go look but the one I wanted was on sale, so he went ahead and bought it yesterday because I was so worried the sale would end. I know that’s not necessarily how he wanted to go about getting the ring, but it does put my mind at ease knowing he has it now.
Waiting for the proposal will be difficult. It’s kind of like putting candy in front of a child but not letting them have it yet. LOL.
A lot of anxiety is gone now though. All that worrying that he didn’t really want to propose has let up a lot.
I had to take a lot of pictures of the ring on my finger in the jewelry store. I keep staring at the pictures.