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Honestly. There are so many people now that show up for weddings and don't send presents (or bring them) and/or those people who RSVP no and don't send even a card, much less a gift. Do people not realize that it's nice to at least give the groom and bride a $3 card? What's the deal?
And this is NOT a thread about whether or not you should EXPECT gifts. Because obviously if this is really a new trend no gift should ever be expected.
I find it rude. I mean, even a card is wonderful. Showing up empty-handed is a little weird; I'd certainly feel awkward doing it.
I honestly didn't know I was supposed to still send a gift if I RSVP'd no. Actually, the only weddings I have RSVP'd no to were a friend's destination wedding (I got her a shower gift), and a wedding where I had no idea why I was even invited because I'd met these people like twice.
No one who RSVP'd no got us a gift.
It could be with the economy these days and quite a few people in financial distress, maybe they can't afford to bring a gift? Or they may feel more awkward bringing a card as that in some ways makes it more evident that they didn't write a check or bring a physical gift.
I'm kind of confused. It sort of is a thread about whether guests are expected to bring something if they attend a wedding. I'm not sure what you're looking for.
I know as a guest I always do something for the bride and groom. A check, a token, something off their registry... something. That's just how I am.
I know as a bride I don't expect anyone to bring anything at all. Cards, gifts, checks..... nothing. We invited our guests to celebrate with them and nothing more. So if it is a trend to not bring gifts or cards, then I guess I'm cool with it.
I've never heard of that. I don't believe it's a new trend, just some people who don't know what proper manners are and their parents/elders didn't bother to teach them anything other than do what you want and screw what anyone else thinks. Not all people are like that so don't assume that number of folks are. Yes you do have up to a year to send a gift, per proper etiquette, if you can't afford something at the time. A card only costs 99cents. At the same time, it is not rude to not send a gift if you don't go. Some people have certain expectations and then get upset when others don't do the same things they do. But what you are describing is not near as common as you may think.
I have attended weddings in the past where all I could afford was a card. I didn't feel awkward at all as a guest either. On the flip side, if I don't attend, then I don't send anything.
I would feel really awkward if I went to a wedding and didn't bring something for the bride and groom... I always bring a check or a present.
I think that it has to do with economy or lack of knowledge about weddings. I know that one of my bridesmaids asked me privatly the day before my shower what the heck a shower was and what she should expect. In her culture people don't have showers and this was her first one. She had NO idea that most people bring gifts. I felt odd saying people normally bring gifts but she praised me for being honest and telling her because she would have felt bad being the only one with nothing.
So I don't think it is really a trend. I think that it is just that some people might not know things about weddings or that they can't afford something.
Luckily we didn't have this problem, although I know the economy is hitting folks hard right now. But we did have two friends who didn't even rsvp and didn't show up, although one of them called and said they were coming ( a verbal yes). No present either.
Finally got my facebook response back from one today, and she just was not even mentioning anything at all, just avoided the whole thing as to why she didn't rsvp at all. I guess her avoidance was my answer. That she was embarassed and that she meant well but for whatever reason didn't come.
I did have one who responded they couldn't come not send a gift. But kinda expected that anyhow.
I always send a gift even if I don't attend. Just proper etiquette. Today though, It's more forgiveable with the poor economy though. I don't hold grudges.
Seems etiquette has taken sadly a back burner. There are some biggies with regards to weddings that people just hardly acknowledge these days.
@bellenga, re: etiquette, on a daily basis just here at WB with any given topic, you can see the masses of people who don't believe that they have to follow etiquette at all "because it's outdated and doesn't apply to anyone in this day and age" when it is not to change for any reason. On the flip side, in current society, no one knows what proper manners and etiquette are because their parents never taught them, and thus they don't know or care. The rare few who do follow etiquette are considered "archaic" and not up with the times unfortunately. Seems you can't win no matter what.
Similar question: if you go to the shower with a gift, do you still bring something to the wedding?
I personally feel uncomfortable showing up empty handed anywhere that another person is in any way going out of his/her way to host me, even if it is just dinner. So I would never go to a wedding without at least a card! It's a different story if I RSVP no -- then it depends on why and how close we are to the couple.
Also, my feeling is if you truly cannot afford a gift, don't go. And in reality, anyone can afford a gift. Because the gift could be to give the couple a night off from planning- make them dinner and bring it to them, or invite them over for an evening of fun. I gift doens't have to cost money, or a lot of money, anyway.
@Amaryllis: Yes, I always give both a shower and a wedding gift if I attend/am invited to the shower.
I also send gifts when I rsvp "no", I thought that was normal!
@Amaryllis, if I attend the shower, then no i don't give a gift at the wedding too. I just send a card. The shower is only for wedding guests and you are basically buying multiple gifts from the same registry. Many people, regardless of the economy, cannot afford to do that, nor is it expected of anyone.
@Ember78: I usually go the gift/shower and card/wedding route when I go to both.
Yep. If you go to both events then you bring a gift (or card then to the wedding). But if I go to the shower and I don't want to spend X amount more on a wedding present I will buy either a small wedding present (under $25) and a larger shower present.
Yes, a shower is just wedding guests but you are also offsetting the cost of your wedding meal with your wedding present. At least that's the old school rule of thumb.
Where I'm from (greater NYC area) the norm is to bring a physical gift to the shower if you're invited, and then a card with check to the wedding. But I believe in other places (midwest?) if you've given a shower present then you might be considered "all set."
I give presents at both too. Usually a a card with a gift card to a store they are registered at in it for the shower, and something from one of thier registries for the wedding.
@prettyflowers: I live in Chicago, and it's the same. If you go to the shower and bring a gift, you bring a card with a check or cash to the wedding.
I do think that many people are no longer taught etiquette. I didn't know most things before we got engaged and I started looking into wedding stuff.
Weddingbee was the first place I'd ever heard that you're "supposed" to send a gift if you don't attend a wedding too. I think the first time I heard it was when someone was concerned it would look like she was gift grabbing, haha.
Personally I buy a gift for the shower and give a card with a check at the wedding. It sounds like that is pretty common. I also send a gift when I RSVP "no", but that seems more and more uncommon these days.
Honestly, if people come from a family/culture where not many people are married (I mean...I don't know many people at all in my family that have gotten married and I was old enough to remember), they won't know much about wedding etiquette. I'm looking forward to educating my bridesmaids about wedding stuff since they're pretty in similar positions.
I had about half of my guest list for my shower rsvp no, and only two people out of the list sent me a gift. It will probably be the same for the wedding, but with the economy the way it is, I understand.
The deal is that people are cheap and or lack knowledge about weddings and or don't wish to learn about wedding etiquette. If you don't know something, ask someone or use the internet. Wedding guests who don't have a lot of money should do without their mochalatte for one morning and use that money for a nice wedding card. And instead of buying themselves something they don't need that week, or instead of going for a weekly pedicure or massage, they should buy a wedding present. The funny thing is that guests have the money to buy themselves a new dress, and shoes and get their hair done for your wedding, but will tell you they are "really strapped for cash." I've seen it happen and don't get it. I've worn a old dress to a wedding just so I could give a better gift. I don't know if is a new trend that some people are "hoping" they can "get away" with. But the bottom line is that the bride never forgets people who treat her cheaply. The trend I've found with my wedding is that some of my friends (who brag about how much money they are making) gave me less than I gave them 10+ years ago. Maybe they were hoping I forgot? Well I didn't, and I they are my frieds and I love them, but they are on my "cheap list."
Everyone on my side gave gifts, but 10 couples on my new husband's side didn't give anything, not even a card. I have to say I am still waiting for my $3 wedding card from my mother-in-law. (The funny thing is that she likes to pretend she has such etiquette and class.)
And if you get invited, you should always send a gift even if you don't attend. I always send the same amount as if I were going to attend.
I'm with the bees that send gifts even if I rsvp no, and bring a gift to both the shower and the wedding. I don't expect it from my guests, but I hold myself to the protocol that I learned growing up.
I always send a present whether attending or not. For the record, Miss Manners says you don't have to:
Holiday, Fla.: We've been invited to a wedding celebration for a longtime friend of my husband's family. We aren't planning to attend, and I need to know whether we're obligated to send a present. I don't even like the bride.
Miss Manners: You will be relieved to hear that you do not have to send a present, but less so to hear that in addition to your formal letter declining the invitation, you should send a letter wishing the couple happiness. In neither should you mention that you don't even like the bride.
Edit to add the link http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/discussion/2010/03/11/DI2010031103184.html
DEAR MISS MANNERS -- I grew up with the rule that a wedding invitation requires a gift, even if the invitee does not attend the wedding. But friends have been telling me that rule is obsolete.
I've been invited to the wedding of a first cousin twice removed, whom I haven't seen since she was 5. Her parents and I are in touch only through Christmas cards.
I have no idea why I was invited and have no intention of going to the wedding, which will not be in my town. It would involve an expensive overnight hotel stay.
Must I send a gift?
GENTLE READER -- Those among whom you grew up were generous but misinformed. If you find this disillusioning, Miss Manners notes that at least it will save you money.
Getting married does not grant people license to distribute bills to those who are minding their business. A wedding invitation is merely an offer of hospitality.
As such, it must be answered, one way or the other, and it should also prompt a letter wishing the couple happiness.
There is nothing wrong with also sending a present, but that is certainly not required
I have absolutly no expectation that every person on my guest list (whether they come or not) will give a gift or a card. Maybe that comes from the fact that when I RSVP no I don't send a card or gift. Im 30, and have always had the attitude that if I'm not coming, I'm not sending a gift. I don't know that it's new. Maybe it's regional?
How can you have an etiquette rule that states that gifts are never to be expected, and then another etiquette rule that states that you should always bring a gift or send one if you don't attend? THIS is the problem with "etiquette rules." The only etiquette I think any of us should try to live by is trying with all our might to be kind and treat others with courtesy and deference. We should attempt, as best we can, to make sure that those we care about feel that care at all times. This might mean sending a gift or giving money, but it doesn't have to.
I'll be honest, I wish it were a new trend or not tradition to bring gifts to the bride and groom. This year alone we have/will spent close to $1000 on presents/shower gifts/bachelorette gifts - and we keep the amounts pretty modest ($25 - $50/each gift depending on how close myself or the FI is to the person.) We are getting married in August and I honestly am not expecting that much in terms of gifts or money. Most of our guests have to travel and with the economy, I don't expect them to get us gifts on top of it either.
I never expect that guests bring gift, but I never go anywhere without one. I am still under the old fashioned rules. I still even take hostess gifts to parties. I send gifts to those I am close with and well wishes to those I am not (if it's family I usually send a few very old family photos, that I have copied, that I have, and with some a copy of the family tree on cd with the new spouses added). I always keep a stash of small gifts on hand; wine from wine sales, interesting things from craft fairs, cool stuff on clearance, etc...
I would never even dream of attending a wedding without bringing a card and a gift, even a small one if I am really broke. I don't know of anyone who doesn't bring a gift to a wedding.
However, in Australia we don't really hold showers (or at least no one I know does). A gift is also not expected at a bachelorette.
I think that means guests are more generous with a wedding gift if they are choose, or are able to financially.
I would never go to a wedding without giving a gift. We've had times when we had absolutely no money. However, what we've done in those instances is to take lots of pictures, and create a website for the couple with our pictures, that would also allow them and other guests to upload pictures.
At the same time, we really wanted to discourage guests at our wedding from feeling like they couldn't come unless they brought a gift. Our feeling was that we really wanted to celebrate with our friends, regardless of the gift.
I find that people always say "I don't expect guests to show up with a gift etc...", however can you imagine the bitchfest that would erupt (let's be honest) if for example a couple never received any gifts.......haha! I'll go against the grain and say I would be surprised and if I'm perfectly honest, I'd be bothered by not receiving a card or a small gift if someone came to the wedding, if they didn't come I wouldn't expect a gift. I think most folk do expect a gift, they just say they don't to be polite and not sound greedy. :)
I ALWAYS give a wedding gift. All weddings I have been to in the last few years have had a registry so I have purchased something from there.
I usually give lingerie for the shower gift/or a victorias secret gift card......
a wedding registry present for the wedding.....
and if I RSVP no I don't send anything, but I am findingout that you should...never knew that.
I'm with some other bees, if I am invited to the shower and the wedding, I buy gifts for both. Usually a registry gift for the shower and card with cash or check for the wedding. If I get invited to a wedding and I rsvp no, I typically send a card with a check. Even if I cannot afford much, I send what I can.
I have no idea what is "proper" or expected, but it is the way I grew up. I think it all depends on where you are and your social circle.
And there was a case where FH and I attended one of his friends from school wedding, back when we were extremely poor college kids, and we ended up giving them a heartfelt card with a "coupon" for a night over to our house for dinner, and they promptly took us up on it! I won't lie, I was embarassed to not be able to give what I normally do, but I think they appreciated the offer and we had a lot of fun the night they came over.
I think its all about sincerity. Do I think most people will send/show up with a gift? Yes, not because I am greedy, but because that is what happens at weddings. Would I be upset or heartbroken if I didn't get all my registry items or a hunk of cash, nope. I'm happy to celebrate with friends and family regardless of what they can afford.
I think that most people try and give gifts or cards and that it is a small number that does not. I wouldn't attack peoples upbringing though like Ember78 did because people are adults and it doesnt always matter what you try to instill in your children they will grow up and make their own choices. Some gifts not given may have had special circumstances that the guests were too embarrassed to talk about and not giving a card may have been them trying not to single out the fact that they had not been able to bring a gift.
Somehow this thread has turned into another bashing thread - which I find funny becasue it is the etiquette thread yet again. It's funny how we preach about etiquette but yet we turn around and say nasty things about people we know in the same sentence.
I say if you are able and want to bring a gift or card then do so. Don't feel obligated. I am sure that most brides and grooms understand that not everyone is making the big bucks.
Sometimes though I just make something small that is within my budget - which is also fun for me to do. Do what is right for you.
I guess it depends what you mean by "new trend". There is an old rule that giving a gift implies a level of intimacy: that casual acquaintances should refrain from giving gifts to avoid the imposition or presumption of implying a relationship that doesn't exist. Of course, that restraint didn't extend to writing notes: a wedding announcement requires a note of good wishes to the couple whether or not you attend the wedding, an invitation to any event requires a hand-written reply to the hostess (not just ticking off boxes in a reply card), if you do attend the wedding or any other event that requires considerable preparation you must send a thank-you note to the hostess the next day. The new trend that I see is the trend of giving and expecting gifts instead of writing and expecting hand-written notes: material objects instead of personal sentiments. To me it doesn't matter whether you send a gift or not, if you don't also send the appropriate personal correspondence.
The other trend, of course, is that people have come to believe that there is such a thing as "wedding etiquette". I understand acknowledging the difference between formal good manners and everyday good manners. And most people want to have a level of formality for weddings. But it seems that many people don't have any other experience of formal events except weddings, and they end up confusing expense and ostentation with formality -- and of course the "wedding industry" is happy to exploit and encourage expense and ostentation since that's where their profit margin is. But profit margins, and speculating about cost-per-plate, and contrasting what-I-gave with what-I-got have no place in polite social behaviour. What does have a place, is graciousness and gratitude -- hence the plethora of polite notes -- and return hospitality, hence menobride's nice suggestion of inviting the couple to dinner (not 'instead of' a gift, but as a basic courtesy *regardless* of whether you felt intimate enough to give a gift or not).
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