- 8 years ago
- Wedding: September 2010
First, let me give you all a bit of background about my relationship with my BF. Last May was our 2 year (dating) anniversary. I was really hoping we’d be engaged by then, and my BF had said we probably would be engaged by then but it didn’t happen. Fast forward a bit to the beginning of July. BF breaks up with me, and I feel completely devastated. He said a big part of why he did that was because he couldn’t deal with how I kept pressuring him to get engaged. I don’t think I so much demanded that we get engaged, but I will be the first to admit that I really probably did say stuff like “Do you think we might get engaged soon”? like WAY too many times, so I can see why that would have driven him nuts.
So, he kept wanting to come see me over the summer but I refused to see him in person unless we were actually going to be exclusively dating again. However, we did stay in touch via phone and email. He would say stuff to give me glimmers of hope that maybe we would get back together, and so I’d keep talking to him. By the time the beginning of September rolled around, I’d had enough. It finally became crystal clear to me that he was just trying to keep me on the backburner while he looked around to see if he could find anything better. (He didn’t actually TELL me that’s what he was doing, but that’s what I think was probably happening). So, I told him that I was done with his b.s. of him stringing me along. That I deserved better than that. That I loved him so much but keeping in contact with him when we weren’t together as a couple anymore was just really hearbreaking for me and so I wasn’t going to be talking to him anymore.
At first, I think that may have made him a little nervous, but he probably didn’t really think I was too serious at first. Over the next five days, he gradually started calling me more and more, until it was to the point where he was calling me pretty much all throughout the day and night. He would leave messages begging for me to call him back. Saying that he made a huge mistake by breaking up with me and that he really wanted me back. I managed to hold my ground and make it five days with zero responses to all of his efforts to contact me. Then he started doing things like having flowers delivered to me and showing up at my place asking me to please open the door to talk to him, that he was really sorry, etc. Still, I stood my ground and didn’t talk to him because I wasn’t convinced yet that he wasn’t going to just go right back to acting ambivalent again. (Over the summer he had said stuff like “I really want to work things out, but I’m just not ready yet”). On day 5 of no contact, he left a few voicemail messages for me where he was like sobbing & begging for me to call him back. He said that he had to leave work early that day because he was so upset about us. In all that time we’d been together, I had NEVER heard him cry before. Even though he had really hurt me by breaking up with me, because I still loved him it broke my heart to hear him cry like that. So, I called him back.
He told me again that breaking up with me had been a huge mistake, that I’m the one for him that he wants to marry and that he just got scared and got cold feet. He said he loved me deeply and didnt’ want to be without me. He even asked me to go look at engagement rings with him! He said let’s start dating again immediately (exclusively), and then within 1 or 2 months or by the end of the year at the very most, I promise we’ll be engaged. I told him that I saw absolutely no point in going back out with him if we were just going to break up again, and he was like “You don’t need to worry about that because I know that I want to marry you, and like I said we’ll be engaged by the end of the year at the very latest”. So, because I still loved him so much and because I believed the no contact with him made him realize that he doesn’t want to be without me ever again, I believed him that we’d get engaged by the end of the year. However, we’re still not engaged. (We didn’t look at rings back when he invited me to in September only because my Mom said it would be stupid to go look at rings together so soon after we had broken up. She said I should tell him I want to wait awhile, and so that’s what I decided to do but I kind of regret that now). After being back together for a month of so, I did mention a few times that I was ready to look at rings yet it never happened. He always had some excuse for not doing it.
I mentioned to him recently that I couldn’t help but feel a little upset that he had promised we’d be engaged by the end of the year, yet that didn’t happen. I said to him since we didn’t get engaged by the end of the year after all, when do you see us getting engaged? He said “I”m sure we’ll be engaged within one to two months (by the end of February)”. Even though I would have strongly preferred to be engaged by the end of ’09, I thought I’m a reasonable person, I can be patient and wait another month or two. We’ve had a few arguments here and there, but overall things have been really well with us lately, and I was so excited that HE had said we’d be engaged within just the next month or two. However, at couples counseling yesterday (we started going to couples counseling once we decided to reconcile after the breakup), he said some stuff that gave me the impression that he’s actually NOT going to be ready to get engaged within 1 to 2 months.
So, now I don’t know what to think, and I have no idea what to do. I’m worried that since we’ve already had two missed “deadlines” for engagement, maybe he doesn’t actually plan on ever proposing to me and he’s just telling me what I want to hear so he can string me along and wait to see if something better might come along. I’m really stressed out because now I’m feeling like one of two things is going to happen. He’s either going to propose to me within the next few months or so, or else we’re going to end up breaking up again (for good this time). I’d like to feel like we’re definitely going to get engaged and it’s just a matter of WHEN it’s going to happen, and I had been feeling that way recently. However, after some of the stuff he said in counseling yesterday, now I’m wondering if a proposal is EVER going to happen. I know pressuring him too much for an engagement had a lot to do with our breakup before, so I don’t want to make that same mistake again. However, I don’t want to find myself in a situation where six months from now (after three years together) we’re still dating but nowhere closer to getting engaged and married.
Any advice would be much appreciated.