(Closed) “Newbee” Feeling Really Stressed & Sad & Not Sure What to Do!

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

*offers a cookie*  In couples counselling have you mentioned what you’ve just told us lot? On the one hand he can’t keep making deadlines he can’t keep if he doesn’t feel ready and on the other you don’t want to be waiting forever. Does he know how important this is to you? I could say to you to not say anything about engagement AT ALL, maybe it’s the talk of it that’s ruining the surprise a little?

I hope some of this helps. Might be the virtual cookie that does the most help though 😉

 

P.S. Welcome to wedding bee! You’ll like it here 🙂

Post # 4
Member
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Oh boy. this is a tough one. I don’t have much advice, but just wanted to let you know that I’m proud of you for standing your ground when you two broke up. I know that must have been hard to do.

Post # 5
Member
2201 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@ CuteLittleBuzzingBee – (((((HUGS))))), I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this. I went through something similar last year. We’d been dating almost 3 years and I thought we should be engaged by now. Then I come home from work to the news that his SISTER got engaged. Needless to say, I didn’t handle it well. After talking, crying, etc. he said that he wanted to marry me, but wasn’t ready yet and wanted it to be a surprise. And, while he refused to give me a set date, he said that it wouldn’t happen until work settled down (2 months later) and would be within the next 6 to 9 months. So, I set my own deadline. This was February – if I didn’t have a ring by July, I was going to walk. And then I just shut up about the marriage issue. It made me sad to think that in 5 months, we’d either be together or broken up, but I had a sense of relief too. He no longer held all the control.

Lucky for both of us, he proposed shortly after work settled down – so I only had to wait 3 months and was never forced to make good on my promise to myself.

Maybe something similar will work for you? Set a date for when you’ve had enough. Don’t tell him, and just go quiet on the marriage thing. He might be feeling pressured, and a little room to breath and to propose how we wants may be what he needs.

Hope that helps!

Post # 6
Member
3576 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m going to lay it out in black and white for you.  This is what I pulled from your post. 

I personally feel that giving someone a deadline for a proposal is a BAD idea.  You mentioned that you missed two deadlines according to when he said he would propose.  In my 3 years of dating my FI before we were officially engaged, we would talk about getting married but never, ever, ever did I once ask when he thought he might be proposing to me.  Men HATE that.  At least the men I know.  And you also stated that you recognized that you were pressuring him, so that’s good.

It also sounds to me like he might never propose yet you’re willing to hang around to see if it happens.  I’m sure you love him, but are you IN love with him?  These are two distinctly different things. Do you want to be engaged so bad that you’re just waiting?  Are you sure he’s the right guy for you?  Trust me, I’ve been in so many bull crap relationships in my day.  I’ve also had them calling me after the breakup crying and wanting to get back together, etc.  And I never would.  They always realize what they want when they no longer can have it.

You know, you’re also in control of this.  Try not to act like a proposal is the carrot your BF is dangling in front of you and that’s all you’re fixated on.  By some of the things you’ve stated, it sounds to me like he might be stringing you along.  I’m going out on a limb here but I have to ask…do you think there’s someone else?  Or was someone else? 

I’m sorry your struggling with this but be strong. 

Post # 7
Member
4024 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Do you want to get engaged just to get engaged or to spend the rest of your life with him? It seems like you really just want to be engaged. He may not be ready. And you don’t want to pressure him into it or anything, otherwise its not for the right reasons. If it is that important to you to be with him, then try to work through everything else (with counceling as you are) and then think of an engagement later. If you just really want to get engaged, then maybe you need to move on.

Post # 8
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

I think there is another possibility than him trying to find someone better and stringing you along (though of course that’s a possibility too).  What about if he loves you madly and wants to be with you forever and can’t bear to lose you and just is not ready for marriage?  That might make him agree to false deadlines because what else can he do if he wants to keep you? 

Have you discussed the source of his reluctance?  What is it about marriage that freaks him out?

Also, do you really think you’ll have a happy marriage if he proposes now?  It is obvious he has no independant desire to marry you and would only propose to keep from losing you.  Is that what you want?

How does setting a deadline of a month or two make any sense?  Either he is ready in which case you should get engaged now or he is not and he by definition does not really know when he will be though he can have a strong hunch that it’ll be soonish.  A month or two is no time at all. 

I’d give him six months and not mention a single word about marriage.  In six months I would propose to him and if he says no I would walk away because it sounds like marriage is really really important to you.

Post # 9
Hostess
18646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Honestly, I don’t think he isn’t proposing because he is stringing you along looking for something better.  I think that he is just not ready yet.  I think you two should take all marriage talk off the table right now and work on your relationship to see if you want to be together for the rest of your lives.

Pushing him into marriage when he isn’t ready yet could completely ruin your relationship and you two could lose everything.  Keep going to counseling and talking about the future there but I would lay off the engagement talk at home because you might be pressuring him.  It is pretty hard for guys to feel that pressure from their GF to get engaged and that might be the reason you broke up before.

I hope that you two can work things out.

Post # 10
Member
1392 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010 - Heron Hill Winery

Withour focusing on the looming engagement you need to ask yourself how you feel in the relationship.  Do you feel happy?  Are you in a healthy relationship?  Or did you decide to go back into it because you would soon be engaged.  I think it’s really important to step back and think about the level of happiness you are experience otherwise getting engaged is completely pointless.  It doesn’t sound like it has been too long since you have been back together and I would think that you would want to give it time for your own sake…a proposal doesn’t necessarily cement a relationship and I think time is what will let you both know it’s what you want. 

Goodluck to you deary…I know it’s a tough situation and though I can’t say I have been in your exact shoes I understand it’s tough to get over that broken trust.

Post # 11
Member
5978 posts
Bee Keeper

I think right now you’re too fixed on the proposal. I’m giving you major props for not returning any calls to him once he realized he had lost you for good. I have a feeling he really does want to propose, but with you pressuring him, he can’t do it on his own terms. I think you need to work right now on improving your relationship first, and let the proposal come naturally. If you’re still all about putting a timeline on it, then you can set an internal deadline, and if he doesn’t propose by then, you have to ask yourself if you’re willing to wait for him to make up his mind. Right now, he KNOWS you want to get married. You continuously nagging him about proposing isn’t going to make him do it any faster. I think it’s more of a decision on if you really love him enough to wait for him until he’s ready to do it himself.

Post # 13
Member
3576 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m glad you think there isn’t another woman.  Cross that off.  But I also agree with some other posts about perhaps not discussing marriage..at all…for several months.  I think that might be a refreshing thing.

I completely understand too about the biological clock.  I’ll be 38 when I get married and would like one child.  Most of my friends have had children in their late 30’s with no issues at all.  But again, everyone is different.

I really do hope things work out for you.

Post # 14
Member
1392 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010 - Heron Hill Winery

here’s something to make you feel a little better about having children in your late 30s…though I know every women is different my mom had me at 32 and 4 children after me without any complications.  All were natural births and my youngest brother was concieved when my mom was 40 (he was the “accident” child) after that my mom had her tubes tied.   I hope this makes you feel a little better about the whole clock is ticking thing!

Post # 16
Hostess
18646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think that having you and your counselor double team him to make him get engaged is probably making him more stressed.  Plus the fact that he is losing his job is probably making it so that he doesn’t want to marry you because he feels like he can’t support you.

I don’t have any advice about the fears of commitment but I think that giving him time away from you or the counselor bringing up engagement and deadlines will probably give your relationship space to breathe and allow him to come to terms with commitment on his own.

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