Post # 1
I was not sure where to post this, sorry if it’s not in the right place.
Hello everybody 🙂 I’m mousebride from Montreal, Canada. My FI proposed to me last May at an anime convention called Anime North while we were on stage for the masquerade. My phone apparently doesn’t want me to post it. But if you go on youtube, type “anime north 2012 proposal” , it’s the first video.
We live togethernwith our two cats and two rats. We are far into planning, I got my dress but it’s being made, we need to send the invites, have some little DIY decorations aind I’m pondering on doing my veil myself.
For my question, I guess it might also be a vent. My father has never been present in mymlife. Nobody ever stopped him from seeing me, he just didn’t. His sister decided she wanted to have a aunt relationship with me and it’s going well.
I saw my dad for the second time last christmas or his birthday. He seemed really happy to see me and eager to have a relationship with me. Whenever he said he’d come over he would always have an excuse. Last Friday he had dinner with my mom to talk things with her and said we’d eat all together this Friday to discuss my wedding since he’d like to give me away with my mom ( they are friends, not dating.)
My mom told be that apparently he can’t come because somebody is inviting him for supper for his birthday. I’m 26…but I feel like crying like a child..it hurts so much.. I want him to be a part of my life..I want him to have a part in my wedding..but..he can’t have dinner with us when we planned it first?..
What do I do bees? Do I give up in wanting to beleive in him like my friends and Fi are telling me to or do Ingibe him another chance?
Post # 3
I have been in a very similar situation for most of my life – my parents divorced when I was 2, dad was never part of my life. I got one visit when I was 5 and I haven’t seen him since. He’d send a card or email when he felt like it/remembered. Called once when I was 18 (on Christmas) all regretful that he wasn’t in my life and wanted a relationship and to come see me at college; I said that would be great and we’d figure it out. I didn’t here from him again for more than 15 years.
The only thing you can do is accept him as what he is – he’s not going to change. he’s going to talk a good game, and then sometimes flake out. Be happy when he shows up, but don’t count on it. Don’t plan on him and, this is the hard part, don’t be disappointed when he bails on you. I know that’s hard, but don’t take it personally; it really doens’t have anything to do with you or the person you are.
As for the wedding, plan to have mom walk you down the aisle. If dad shows, and mom is ok with it, include him if that’s what you want. If it’s too much stress, plan to include him some other way – reading, toast, etc.
It sucks, hugs, but he is who he is. Only you can figure out how best for YOU to handle him.
Post # 4
I would give him another chance, but not too many after that, if he backs out again. I haven’t seen my Mother since I was 15. My parents divorced when I was 3 and we saw her every other weekend til I was about 11, then she stopped coming around as often. She always promised we’d do something and then never followed through. I made the decision that I can’t waste more tears and stress over her. She has tried to friend me on FB, but I denied her. I may have considered it if she had messaged me or tried to contact me in other ways (she knows how to find us), but just requesting me on FB was the nail in the coffin on that.
So yeah, you JUST got back in touch with him, so I understand why you are upset, and you have every right to be, but I’d talk to him again and try to build the relationship, as long as he keeps up his end!
Post # 5
I’d give him another chance if that is what you want (which it seems you do)…but honestly, I would not allow him to walk me down the aisle and give me away. Because what if he does drop out of your life again? Not to be negative but I have a close friend who had this happen, and now it makes the wedding photos from her walking down the aisle a bit painful for her to look back at. If he has never been involved in your life I really don’t think he has any business walking you down the aisle since he basically had no part in shaping the adult you’ve become. You can attempt to have a relationship with him, but right now he has all the power, and for your own wellbeing I think you need to take some of that back – this relationship, for right now, needs to be on your terms and what you’re comfortable with. And I would also call him up and tell him that you’re hurt he’s cancelling, and that he had to do it through your mom rather than you.
Post # 6
Even though the whole “giving the bride away” symbolism is no longer relevant, a more modern take on it is that the people who have walked with you through your life up to this point are the ones who accompany you as you walk toward your new life with your husband.
Your father, through everything he has and has not done for twenty-six years, has never really walked with you through your life. So, it’s kind of presumptuous and artificial for him to walk with you down the aisle. It is probably easiest and best all around if you plan on not having him take that particular role. That way, as a PP has said, if he ends up bailing on the wedding, it won’t taint that part of it the way it otherwise would have. And you will walk with the person who HAS always been there for you through your life up to then, your mom.
My $0.02, anyway. I hope you and your parents are able to work this out in a way that is satisfactory for everyone.
Post # 7
@KCKnd2: Your father, through everything he has and has not done for twenty-six years, has never really walked with you through your life. So, it’s kind of presumptuous and artificial for him to walk with you down the aisle. It is probably easiest and best all around if you plan on not having him take that particular role. That way, as a PP has said, if he ends up bailing on the wedding, it won’t taint that part of it the way it otherwise would have. And you will walk with the person who HAS always been there for you through your life up to then, your mom.
I’d probably do this if I was in the situation. He could still come as a guest, and if you want a relationship with him, you can still do so. I’m sorry he’s disappointed you so many times in the past. ((hugs))
Post # 8
I’d like to thank everybody for their input 🙂 since yesterday I calmed down a bit and my mother spoke with my father. Apparently it’s his gf being jealous of my mom, but knowin him who knows if it’s true. As mom said, leta see if he ever shows up at the wedding, if he does and still wants to walk down with mom ans I, fine. If he doesn’t show up it’s his loss.
I’ve always wanted a good relationship with my dad bit I’m glad I had my grand-pa as a father figure. I’d have him walk me down the aisle but he has problems walking 🙁
I can’t thank you all bees again 🙂 *hugs everybody*
@Glasgowboud: Your story is almost identical to mine*big hugs*
Post # 9
Glad you’re feeling a little better! I’m sorry I don’t really have any advice for you since I’m not in your situation but if things don’t work out with him being involved in the wedding (hoping this isn’t the case) my best friend does not have a relationship with her dad and at her wedding her mom walked her down the isle and instead of the father/daughter dance, she slow danced with her mom and it was the most amazing and touching thing 🙂
Post # 10
@mousebride: I’m sorry about your dad. You sound incredibly lucky to have such a supportive mom and grandpa though!
To be honest, I probably wouldn’t want my dad walking me down the aisle if he had acted like your dad has. If he wasn’t there for me the first 20+ years, then he has no right to give me away on my wedding day. However, you seem to have a good attitude towards the situation. And you’re right; if he doesn’t show up then it’s his loss not your’s. You’ll still have your mom, grandpa, and a loving husband. . . and he will have his controlling and jealous girlfriend.