(Closed) NewBee wondering if anyone has suggestions

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

This is a hard subject that I think might take more than one talk.  Obviously you need to talk to him about this with him.  

When you say you haven’t spoken about specifics…do you mean you haven’t spoken about him specifically marrying you? That might be a starting point.  Does he see a future with you? Does he imagine your relationship progressing into something more?

I’m sorry that you have to go through this.  Hope everything turns out well.

Post # 4
Member
1719 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2008 - Winery in the Gold Country

Everyone will have a different opinion, but I’ve known a couple girls in your situation (ovarian cysts, etc) and they were very up front about it with their boyfriends. If a child is very important to you, and you have a medically limited window in which to have a child, I think it’s an important discussion, and very different from an “I WANT A BABY OR ELSE” discussion.

I would bring it up, not as an ultimatum of course, but as a concern for your future and see what he says. If he says that he can’t possibly fathom having a child in the next XXX of years, and indeed this is one of your highest priorities, then it’s definitely time to have a more serious conversation about where the relationship should move from there. Good luck!

Post # 6
Hostess
18646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think you should just ease into it in conversation so that he doesn’t all of a sudden feel like you are saying ‘Babies Now!’ to him.  You should definetly let him know though so that he understands what will happen with your future.  Good luck with the conversation and welcome to weddingbee.

Post # 7
Member
366 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I agree with avoiding the whole “BABIES RAAAHHH” conversation, but you should absolutely be upfront and honest with him.  If he’s being honest about wanting a future with you and you two are truly ready to take that next step, it should be an easy conversation.  All the best!!

Post # 9
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think you need to worry too much at this point. You are passing on some important information from your dr to your partner, not making an ultimatum. He needs to know and it sounds like it won’t scare him off, which is the main thing 🙂 Good luck with the wait!

Post # 10
Member
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I was in this exact same situation as I am also older.  We had talked about our future and we knew we both wanted to have a child (or two) but I don’t think it ever crossed his mind that time was running out for me.  I finally told him we needed to sit down and discuss the issue and I laid it all out for him.  Not in a “we need to get married or else” kind of way but more like “If we’re both serious about this type of future and I know I am, then we need to get this show on the road” type of convo.  I also told him that based on our previous conversations I thought he felt the same way and wanted the same things and if I was wrong I needed to know.  When he saw the whole medical side of it he understood and we decided to move forward and get married.  I suppose that technically that is when I really became engaged which is not even remotely romantic but he did propose officially soon after with a ring and we decided to start trying to get pregnant before the wedding so as not to waste time.  We waited until 4 months before the wedding date so if it happened right away it wouldn’t be hugely obvious and I could have the dress I wanted.  We even thought we’d announce it at the reception if it happened.  As it turns out it didn’t and we are now doing IVF and we are grateful we didn’t wait longer than we did.

Post # 12
Member
381 posts
Helper bee

Mr. Tacos and I are in a similar situation.  I was very up front with him with my timeframe, and asked him to consider my wishes if he was undecided about our relationship.  The most important thing to me was that he knew my limited time to have children, my desire to have a child, and that I needed to know if he wasn’t ready.

It is a scary conversation because you don’t want to offend someone or push them away, but I see it was necessary.  If Mr. Tacos isn’t ready for a child within the timeframe I need to have one (or never have one at all), then I would need to move on and find another avenue of accomplishing this.  It was better for him to understand I want that out of a loving relationship.  If he can’t provide it, I let him know that it’s okay and I wouldn’t be upset with him.  But he has to be honest with me so that I can search for someone who can.  🙂

 

It’s never easy, but gently sitting down and saying your doctor informed you of something is a good start.  Have quiet time, let him know your situation, and let him know that you have to have a true idea about the direction.

 

It’s only fair. 🙂

Post # 13
Member
1016 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I had to bring this up with FI too – he really just didn’t understand that it is a potential issue.  I mentioned it to him and emphasized the fact that having children is NOT a given.  I’m 32  now, we probably started talking about this when I was 30.  I’ve seen friends and family struggle to conceive so I knew I had to discuss this with him so that we’d be on the same page.  I brought it up a couple times and his response was to try and keep me from worrying – I had to really make a point that it is not irrational, it’s completely possible that we’ll have trouble.  He likes to say – oh no, we’ll be fine – but my response has been – how will we know until we try?  We are both on the same page of trying ASAP so that is a relief to me.  I am happy to know that he feels the same way as I do about making children a priority so we will say our prayers, cross our fingers and see what happens!

Good luck bringing up the subject and I hope you both reach an understanding that makes you happy!

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