Post # 1
This is my first post since I have only been engaged for two weeks! I am an only daughter and my parents are really excited to be planning a wedding, the problem is that they are too involved and I don’t know how to get control back.
The drama started last week when my mom told me that they would be out of town starting from next Sunday until the end of August. My fiance and I want to start looking at venues soon so that we can start planning our wedding. I told my mom that we were going to start but that we wouldn’t make any decisions without her and dad (ie we would narrow down the venue choices and go look at our favorite ones together and then make the decision). She got really offended and told me that I was excluding her from the planning. Fine, we’ll wait.
This weekend, her and my dad decided to take a drive to the town where there are a few venues that we want to look at. They then went and looked around two of the venues. My fiance and I were out of town this past weekend. They didn’t tell us that they were going to do this. Last night I was talking to my mom and I told her that I had made appointments for next Saturday (this is the last day that they are in town so I thought we would all go together). She said that I should just cancel the appointments since her and dad looked at those venues and didn’t like them. I got upset because they went without us, didn’t even tell us that they were going to do that, and then made opinions on those venues without us.
I feel like she is planning her “dream” wedding, and not mine. I don’t know how to get control of this back. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to keep control in a situation like this. I should be excited and enjoying this time in my life, but right now she is ruining this for me.
Thanks for reading.
Post # 3
Try asking her nicely to take step back. My mom did nearly the exact same thing (started calling venues two days after I got engaged when I specifically asked her not to.) She was just really excited. Once I asked her to please let me take the lead, she did exactly that. I’m sure your mom has the best of intentions!
It might also help to give your mom a specific task: ask her to Google possible photographers or DJ’s etc.
I think if you talk to her, she will understand! I think she’s just really excited for you!
Post # 4
My first question in who’s paying? If you guys are paying, then you just need to tell them to back off. If they’re paying….unfortunately you’re sort of stuck. You can tell your mom that you’d like this to go differently, but if she says no or acts this way anyway…there’s not much you can do since it’s their money. Either way, you really need to have a heart to heart with your mom and stand up for yourself. Sorry you’re dealing with this!
Post # 5
Are they paying for the wedding? If they are, they will probably want a lot of input. And since you are an only child, this is going to be hard. I would just try and talk to her about it and see what she says. Good luck.
Post # 6
I am dealing with a similar situation but I am 2 months deep into the planning and it seems at least once a week if not more we have a huge blow up over something wedding related. I would suggest giving her a job but that didn’t work with my mom she still thinks she needs to be involved in everything else too. Try to sit down and talk to you mom. I hope you have better luck on this than I did. My mom just wont listen and it keeps going. I am dreading so much of the wedding planning parts because of her.
Post # 7
They are paying for the wedding, unfortunately. I know that they are just excited and that she does want imput on this. I tried talking to my dad about this, but he doesn’t think that they did anything wrong.
My fiance and I can pay for the wedding ourselves, but most likely my dad won’t allow it (he’s traditional that way and very generous).
You guys are right, I just need to sit down with her and talk about it. that’s just going to be hard to do without offending her. She is really sensitive and emotional and jumps to irrational conclusions.
Post # 8
Even if they are paying they still have to be respectful of your wishes/needs. Tell your mother that, even if they do not want to visit those venues again, that you and your FI need to see them to make a decision on your own.
Some mothers are just that way about wedding planning, no matter what you do, I’m sorry to say, she’s going to continually try to put in her two cents and take charge. My best advice is just to only make decisions that are best for you and your FI and at every juncture, be sure to do your best to include your parents’ concerns/opinons and make sure they know you are considering them.
Giving specific search related tasks is a great idea and also if there are parts of the wedding you care less about, you can delegate your parents to work on them.
Post # 9
That whole “If their paying thing” is bullshit. Yes, you need to hear them out on their opinions and be respectful of their input, but this is YOUR wedding. Just because their fronting the money, does NOT mean that you need to be a doormat and let your mother plan everything no matter what you think.
My parents are 100% paying for everything. I take my mom to all the vendor meetings, I ask her opinion on everything, I let her include a few people that I didn’t want to in our small guest list. BUT, she is not the final say.
You need to sit down with your mom and have a talk with her. Tell her you love her, that you value her opinion, but this is your wedding and you need to be the one to make the decisions about what is going down. Wedding decisions will not be made without you or your fiance involved. Make sure to tell her that you want her to be involved. Compromise is the name of the game here.
Post # 10
Our wedding was two weeks ago. My parents paid for it (for which we are very appreciative) and I had many of the same issues as you do. My mom planned her dream wedding. On the day of, there were few things that represented my husband and me. The venue, officiant, food, music, flowers, decorations, etc were all my mother’s tastes.
But you know what? The ONLY regret I have is that I picked so many fights with my mom in the planning process. We had a blast at our wedding. It did not matter that the overall wedding was not “us”. It did not matter that my mom picked many of the details. We had a few special touches that were us, we were happy, and nothing else mattered. The only thing I would change is that I wish that I had not said hurtful things to my mother in the process.
My advice? Decide what matters to you and pick your battles. That is really frustrating how your parents acted but is this specific issue REALLY important to you? There is more to come, so don’t waste too much energy and emotion on this. Years from now, you are more likely to remember the people and relationships at your wedding than the venue and the details. Good luck!
Post # 11
isnt it kind of a double standard shes setting you up against? She gets mad and offended when YOU the BRIDE want to go look at venues without her… but then goes off and does the exact same thing herself anyway?
I’d be beyond pissed.
Post # 12
I wish my Mom would get envolved. She just keeps complaining about how much this cost… but she’s not the one funding the wedding… I haven’t asked her or my dad for a dime… it’s just sad that I feel like I can’t share my planning with her. She even suggested that the only reason we’re getting married is for the gifts!
Post # 13
I don’t understand why you weren’t allowed to look at venues without her, but she is? That doesn’t make sense! I think I’d sit down with a list of what has to be done and decide which jobs will be done by which people, and then stick to it. Like, we will do the venue search together but mum and dad will call DJs and I will call photographers. Or whatever. Also be very generous with your thanks and appreciation, but not a doormat – they may be paying but it’s still your wedding.
Post # 14
Wow, that’s a really nice story. Beautiful ring! Congrats and all the best in the planning process.:)
Post # 15
Planning a wedding is an exercise in making boundaries for the rest of your life. Things that may seem insignificant – flowers, escort cards, what tie to wear – are, in my experience, practice for the more important battles you’ll fight later on. Use these issues as a way to gague how to set boundaries with your mother. Otherwise, you’ll be paying for it later on when you and your husband are trying to make important decisions, or raising your children.