(Closed) Newly engaged and already drama with Mom

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Try asking her nicely to take step back.  My mom did nearly the exact same thing (started calling venues two days after I got engaged when I specifically asked her not to.)  She was just really excited.  Once I asked her to please let me take the lead, she did exactly that.  I’m sure your mom has the best of intentions!

It might also help to give your mom a specific task: ask her to Google possible photographers or DJ’s etc. 

I think if you talk to her, she will understand!  I think she’s just really excited for you!

Post # 4
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

My first question in who’s paying?  If you guys are paying, then you just need to tell them to back off.  If they’re paying….unfortunately you’re sort of stuck.  You can tell your mom that you’d like this to go differently, but if she says no or acts this way anyway…there’s not much you can do since it’s their money.  Either way, you really need to have a heart to heart with your mom and stand up for yourself.  Sorry you’re dealing with this!

Post # 5
Member
2742 posts
Sugar bee

Are they paying for the wedding? If they are, they will probably want a lot of input. And since you are an only child, this is going to be hard. I would just try and talk to her about it and see what she says. Good luck.

Post # 6
Member
1940 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I am dealing with a similar situation but I am 2 months deep into the planning and it seems at least once a week if not more we have a huge blow up over something wedding related.  I would suggest giving her a job but that didn’t work with my mom she still thinks she needs to be involved in everything else too.  Try to sit down and talk to you mom.  I hope you have better luck on this than I did.  My mom just wont listen and it keeps going.  I am dreading so much of the wedding planning parts because of her.  

GOOD LUCK!

Post # 8
Member
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Even if they are paying they still have to be respectful of your wishes/needs.  Tell your mother that, even if they do not want to visit those venues again, that you and your FI need to see them to make a decision on your own.

Some mothers are just that way about wedding planning, no matter what you do, I’m sorry to say, she’s going to continually try to put in her two cents and take charge.  My best advice is just to only make decisions that are best for you and your FI and at every juncture, be sure to do your best to include your parents’ concerns/opinons and make sure they know you are considering them.

Giving specific search related tasks is a great idea and also if there are parts of the wedding you care less about, you can delegate your parents to work on them.

Post # 9
Member
7779 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

That whole “If their paying thing” is bullshit. Yes, you need to hear them out on their opinions and be respectful of their input, but this is YOUR wedding. Just because their fronting the money, does NOT mean that you need to be a doormat and let your mother plan everything no matter what you think.

My parents are 100% paying for everything. I take my mom to all the vendor meetings, I ask her opinion on everything, I let her include a few people that I didn’t want to in our small guest list. BUT, she is not the final say.

You need to sit down with your mom and have a talk with her. Tell her you love her, that you value her opinion, but this is your wedding and you need to be the one to make the decisions about what is going down. Wedding decisions will not be made without you or your fiance involved. Make sure to tell her that you want her to be involved. Compromise is the name of the game here.

Post # 10
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Our wedding was two weeks ago.  My parents paid for it (for which we are very appreciative) and I had many of the same issues as you do.  My mom planned her dream wedding.  On the day of, there were few things that represented my husband and me.  The venue, officiant, food, music, flowers, decorations, etc were all my mother’s tastes. 

But you know what?  The ONLY regret I have is that I picked so many fights with my mom in the planning process.  We had a blast at our wedding.  It did not matter that the overall wedding was not “us”.  It did not matter that my mom picked many of the details.  We had a few special touches that were us, we were happy, and nothing else mattered.  The only thing I would change is that I wish that I had not said hurtful things to my mother in the process.

My advice? Decide what matters to you and pick your battles.  That is really frustrating how your parents acted but is this specific issue REALLY important to you? There is more to come, so don’t waste too much energy and emotion on this.  Years from now, you are more likely to remember the people and relationships at your wedding than the venue and the details.  Good luck!   

Post # 11
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

isnt it kind of a double standard shes setting you up against? She gets mad and offended when YOU the BRIDE want to go look at venues without her… but then goes off and does the exact same thing herself anyway?

I’d be beyond pissed.

Post # 12
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I wish my Mom would get envolved.  She just keeps complaining about how much this cost… but she’s not the one funding the wedding… I haven’t asked her or my dad for a dime… it’s just sad that I feel like I can’t share my planning with her.  She even suggested that the only reason we’re getting married is for the gifts!

Post # 13
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t understand why you weren’t allowed to look at venues without her, but she is? That doesn’t make sense! I think I’d sit down with a list of what has to be done and decide which jobs will be done by which people, and then stick to it. Like, we will do the venue search together but mum and dad will call DJs and I will call photographers. Or whatever. Also be very generous with your thanks and appreciation, but not a doormat – they may be paying but it’s still your wedding.

Post # 14
Member
443 posts
Helper bee

Wow, that’s a really nice story.  Beautiful ring!  Congrats and all the best in the planning process.:) 

Post # 15
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Planning a wedding is an exercise in making boundaries for the rest of your life. Things that may seem insignificant – flowers, escort cards, what tie to wear – are, in my experience, practice for the more important battles you’ll fight later on. Use these issues as a way to gague how to set boundaries with your mother. Otherwise, you’ll be paying for it later on when you and your husband are trying to make important decisions, or raising your children.

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