Post # 1
My fiancé and I are recently engaged – March 3rd! I am 25 my fiancé is 32. We are both women and we’ve been together for over 6 years so we’ve talked about our future wedding a lot. We wanted to wait until I’m done with school (winter 2017!) so the plan was always a spring 2018 wedding. We planned to pay for most of the wedding ourselves not knowing how much our parents would want to/could contribute. My mom does not have a lot of money and my fiance’s parents are recently going through a bit of financial trouble with their business. We of course welcome contributions to the wedding but we never expected our parents to pay for the entire thing.
We’re touring venues this weekend with my mother and would like to book the venue ASAP. Well today my fiancé’s parents called and told us if we wait until spring 2019 (two more years) to get married they will pay for the entire wedding. Apparently their business is doing a lot better and they expect their income to more than double by the end of 2018. It’s worth noting that my fiancé is a daddy’s girl and I know it probably pains her father to not be able to contribute more for the spring 2018 wedding we want. I don’t know what to do. The wedding we’re planning to have will cost us about 25-30k. That’s quite a bit of money that we could save if we wait. On the other hand, we’ve been together over 6 years and we are both really looking forward to saying ‘I Do’ and having a wedding next year and never really wanted a long engagement.
Both of our parents are still willing to contribute if we get married next year, but I expect we would pay 15-20k ourselves. We could pay off my student loans with the money we will save for the wedding and start our marriage debt free if we wait. I’m trying to think logically but it’s hard when you’re excited to plan a weddig that you’ve waited so long for!
I need advice – what would you do?!
Post # 2
I would wait! I’d wait til 2020 if it meant my wedding was paid for! It’s so expensive and that way you two can always go on an amazing honeymoon 🙂 and if you want to get married soon you can always go to the courthouse if that’s your style and then have a big wedding later
Post # 3
mrslavogue92217 : that’s true! I’m weighing the pros and cons and the biggest con is my impatience! 🙂 I know it makes the most sense to wait… it’s a generous offer from her parents. It just puts a damper on all the excitement to wait lol.
Post # 4
sloanetaylor : Now this may be controversial (and this is based on me and my own parents and the type of conversation that would not be rude to have) but… could you maybe say…. “FI and I are so excited to be taking this step and don’t wish to wait, we appriciate your amazing offer but we would like to get married sooner, prehaps, come 2019 you would be able to help us out in a different way ? (i,e house or paying student loans). Like I said, some may think that is rude but maybe it may be a way round it. It is amazing they want to help you, but I am sure they would be understanding of you not wanting to wait.
Post # 5
sloanetaylor : I wouldn’t wait. There’s always a thread on here where someone’s parent has got into financial probelms or hasn’t liked the way the wedding is going and has had to take back their gift. They’re business is doing better than they expected but that’s still two years in which a lot of things can go wrong and things can change. By holding off on your wedding you are potentially going to build up resentment if for whatever reason the parents are no longer able to contribute.
Plan the wedding you can afford when you want it. Yes starting married life debt free is a wonderful position to be in but it might not be practical to wait. If you’re ready now (well next year), then go next year and say I do, it’ll be magical whatever you can afford.
Post # 6
Are you 1000% sure that their business will actually be doing so well by 2019? If it is a definite, I would for sure wait another year to have a free wedding! 🙂
Post # 7
I wouldn’t wait, just have the wedding you can afford next year. Too many things can happen between now and 2019 and in my opinion you’re better to not risk it. How certain can they be that the business would do better? Would you have the money when you needed to start booking things? Or would you two pay the deposits and then have the rest of the money by the wedding date? What level of input would they expect in the planning since they would be paying?
Post # 8
I personally would not wait. When FI and I first got engaged we sat down with his parents and they wrote a list of things they would contribute to the wedding. They have now gone back on their word on some of the things, and instead of bringing it up to them FI and I are just going to pay for it instead to avoid any awkward conversations. It’s annoying, but I still appreciate that they are helping a little, just wish they wouldn’t have come up with a list if they weren’t going to follow through.
Post # 9
MsBeer : Totally agree! That’s exactly what I was thinking. Get married now and by then you’ll be ready to purchase a home! They could help with a down payment. As long as you’re both close with the parents, and you say it in a sweet and cute way as a suggestion and not a demand…I don’t think it’s rude at all.
Post # 10
zwimmerz : Also very true! People change their minds all the time. Relationships change. Or the financial projection could be wrong and then you waited for nothing!
Post # 11
sloanetaylor : Oh goodness! Congratulations to you, two bride weddings are the BEST – I just proposed to my girlfriend in February! My fiancee and I are facing a similar-ish situation – I graduate with my MBA May 2018, so we wanted to get married after that to save money. HOWEVER, we go back and forth on waiting that long due to the uncertain political climate (not sure where you live, but in the US this is certainly a concern for us 🙁 ). In your situation, I would likely have a small ceremony and dinner with close friends and family, and then have a giant reception in 2019! Also – while I hope the best for your fiancee and her parents, there is no guarantee that the business will make more money at the end of 2018. It would be awful to wait and then end up paying for it anyway.
Good luck to you! Keep us updated!
Post # 12
I personally wouldn’t wait, as many bees have said before me. If I were you, I would go ahead with the wedding next year and just have your (and your partners) parents contribute what they can afford at the time. Like many have pointed out, its too risky relying on your future in laws business to be doing well enough for you to get your ‘free wedding’ although it would be pretty amazing. And like someone has said before me, perhaps you could ask if they wanted to contribute in another form once you are married and if their business is doing well. Their daughter will always be their daughter and so I am sure they will be happy to help in the future for your other needs if any arise.
Post # 13
MsBeer : I think I’d tend toward this sort of compromise, too. You shouldn’t put off your own plans/happiness on the off-chance they’ll be doing better financially. But if they ARE, they can help out in whatever financial way they want, if they still want to. It would be MORE meaningful to me to be helped out with contributions to a downpayment on a home or with student loans, actually.
Post # 14
All very good points to consider! It’s a sure thing they will be doubling their income towards the end of 2018. The reason their business has not been as lucrative is because they’ve been buying out the other business partners share for the last 5 years which is more than 100k/year. They will finish buying out the partner next year and essentially have the 100k + as extra income. They still do well financially but it would be smarter for them to contribute more in 2019 when they will have a lot more money. I really have no doubts at all that they would come through in 2019. They have always been extremely generous with money, gifts, etc. FMIL will definitely want to be very involved in the planning but we’ve talked about what we want and I think ultimately she would like to help and not take control (I hope)!
I do worry about how things will change in the two years. We’re from AZ and now in NJ. We were planning to move back west after the wedding… not necessarily AZ, but closer to home. So we could potentially have new jobs and live in another state by 2019 and maybe not be able to take all the necessary time off. I worry about of grandparents not being there as none of them are in good health and we are both close to them. There’s a lot that could change in our lives by then.
I like the idea of turning their offer into a down payment though I’m not completely comfortable asking about it lol. My FI doesn’t ask for a lot from her parents so I’m not sure that’s a conversation she’s would be excited to have but it’s definitely worth putting out there.
Right now we cannot pay for the wedding in full but we have about 25% of the budget saved. The rest we would be able to come up with by the wedding date without going into debt.
Post # 15
I would be patient and wait! Set yourselves up for your future life by paying of your loans and accepting her parents’ offer. It seems like they really do want to and that it would be meaningful for them to, so that’s what I would do.
The only trouble is that there isn’t a guarantee that they will be able to come up with that much, so just keep that in mind. Do tell them as well that they are by no means obligated to come up with the whole amount, and continue to save yourself just in case.