- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2011
I have been married about a year and a half and could really use some advice. Going anonymous for obvious reasons. First of all, let me just say that I blame myself for a lot of what is happening in my relationship, and could use all the compassion you have around this since it is not easy for me to even admit it. I know (for obvious reasons) that many women on this board tend to think of divorce as only an option in situations of abuse or adultery. Let me just say up front that this is not applicable to my situation, and I would love to hear from people who are at least open to the possibility of divorce for more nuanced reasons.
I have been married for about a year and a half. Involved with my husband for 7 1/2 years. I am 27, which means that we have been dating since I was 20. I always thought that I was mature for my age. I was in a household where I had to grow up too fast and essentially take care of myself. I never had a wild or rebellious phase, and I always felt obligated to “keep it together” for the sake of my family. Even in college, I was very much the responsible one. Not that I think everyone needs to go wild & crazy, but I think that I desperately needed to let go of the need to be “ok” all the time, and I was not able to do that.
My husband was my second boyfriend and my first very serious boyfriend. He is an amazing man–smart, creative, kind, responsible. I care for him very much. But if I’m honest, I’m not in love with him and I haven’t been in love with him for quite some time. This tears me up for a number of reasons, namely: He deserves to be loved passionately. Why don’t/can’t I love him passionately?
I’ve been in therapy for about 7 months now and am realizing that I have been fooling myself into thinking that I’m ok with committing to a stable, passionless marriage. What I’m realizing more and more is that I’m not sure I am ok with that. I’m not sure it’s fair to my husband or myself.
I could go on for hours (and will probably add to this post), but essentially I am at a place in my life where I am feeling the need to grow and change and explore (many things that I probably should’ve done in college or after college), but I don’t know how or if I can do that within this relationship. Additionally, I am not sure whether/at what point it is wise to throw in the towel and move our separate ways. My husband deserves to be loved in a way that I’m not sure I am capable of loving him.
I am really torn up about this so I apologize if I’m not being articulate. Thanks for listening.