Post # 1
m going to try to make this as short as possible… I met a guy (my husband) and was totally wooed by him. He was everything I asked for in a guy… tall, believes in God, good family, put his family first, caring , willing to work out any issues that pop up well, kind and good with my daughter . We dated for a while and five months later he asked me to marry him which I said YES. Through the engagement I had concerns we should date more and have a longer engagement but he said he wanted the wedding within a year. I agreed to this thinking I was just having cold feet, or just afraid because in the past I was engaged to my daughters father which fall through (he cheated on me). I also felt I had these under lining feelings for my daughter
s father but knew it was best to move on, he cheated why should I try??. He wanted to try to work it out but I refused, it was a very painful time in my life because I loved him so much. So my fiancée and I got married in early Nov 2014 and it was nice but the moment I came back from the honeymoon I knew I made a mistake. Yes this man is a wonderful person, provider, caring , family and good to me but we had no chemistry. Him and I are religious so while dating were not intimate. Once we tried it was empty for me and we have no emotional connection, no chemistry , lack of that friendship most relationships have , that lovers bond. Why did I marry him ? Honestly he is a great man, from a good family and loves me and I love him but I don’t feel in love with him , I don’t feel I have the emotional bond , intimate side of us is lacking .. I love just his character , his persona. Im still in love with my daughter
s father and I know I shouldn’t have gotten married with these feelings …maybe I should’ve at least tried to forgive and had closure there but everything went so fast and I was hurt. Now Im married to what most would say is a great guy (has his flaws of course) with no emotional connection , not in love with him but care for him and his family deeply and I don’t know what to do . I have expressed my feelings to my husband and told him I feel Im not in love and there is no emotional connection and he says we will work on it and try to get it , at the moment we are separated and seeing how it goes, get that spark , just go out , I
m very depressed about this, Im confused, I feel foolish for going this far because I do take marriage seriously . But doesn’t that come naturally meaning love, shouldn’t I be there already, do I stay married ? , do I leave now while its early so we can both find what we deserve ? do I try with my daughter’s father once the marriage is voided ? do I risk true love for a good man and who I know would be a good husband ? … I don’t know what to do ? Any constructive advice will help? Anyone that got married and realized you made a mistake? Or even married the wrong guy? A little more inside on my daughters father… he has more flaws than my husband also, wasn’t really as assertive and a little more self absorbed but we always had a great friendship and I always still love him. I think my other problem was I tried to marry someone prefect and I realized no one is prefect and just because it is doesn’t mean its perfect for me.
Post # 2
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Oh dear lord, do not continue to jerk your kid around. You are married. You made a commitment. Woman up and make it work. Marriage is a choice you make every moment of every day. Stop being hung-up on your cheating, self-absorbed ex. You want what is bad for you. You want to fix him. You want to rescue him. You want the rush that comes with that sort of tumultuous relationship. And it’s bad for you. Just stop it.
Take all of that energy and pour it into your marriage instead. Focus on the good that you have, appreciate every moment of it. Dwell on the good man you have in your life who cares for you and your daughter, and who is willing to put you first. Stop romanticizing the past, start living in the present, and start building your future with your husband. make plans with your husband. Take steps to build a bright future together. Work on you as an individual and what you can bring to your relationship with your husband. Make a gratitude journal and write down 3 things every day that are related to your husband/marriage that made you happty and greatful that day. Sit down as a couple and set couples goals for yourselves. What can you work towards, together as a united team? Nourish your relationship. Put in the work. It’s worth it.
Post # 3
why the hell would you want to try again with your lying, cheating, self absorbed ex? You need to put that out of your mind. Your daughter wont thank you for staying with her dad if he is a jerk. Come on now.
You haven’t given this a chance. Its been like 4 months. Get some relationship/sex counselling. Why not try dating again to see if it ignites the spark.
Hey guess what. Your relationship has ups and downs, but you made a committment and now need to WORK on things. Dont bail the second things look rough.
Or maybe do bail so he can find someone else who will actually love him. I dunno, just speak with a counsellor please,
Post # 4
Read the marriage You Always Wanted by Gary Chapman. Also read his love languages book. In the book, he explains love is a choice, not a feeling, and you can make the choice to love someone (even you enemy) every single day. He points you to the passage in 1 Coritinthian: love is patient, love is kind, it is not jealous, etc, ect. You can choose love every single day by being kind to your spouse and being patient with him. You can choose to love him and if you choose that love, you will (most likely) eventually fall in love iwth him. Get some counselling and read the book.
Post # 5
lisa14: I feel that the question if you should remain in this marriage and the question if you should try again with your cheating ex should be in completely different threads.
Why do you even want someone who thinks you aren’t good enough? Thought the mother of his child wasnt worth being faithful to? Risked loosing his wholw family…sorry, but wasn’t one of the thinsg you lied about your husband the fact that he put family first? and then you want to run back to your ex who threw it all away? Makes no sense.
I agree with other PP’s that you should try to stick it out and make it work. You made a commitment and it would be unfair to walk out on that without at leats trying counseling and date nights etc. There must have been something in him that once made you think there were sparks? AFTER every option has been exhausted and you are both not happy, then maybe it will be time to consider a divorce.
Post # 6
Mrs.Sawyertobe: thank you for responding , we actually read these books during counseling , it was helpful. Just still confused , but your comment makes sense. thank you
Post # 7
lovekiss: right thank you such good advice, concerning my ex I
m not trying to recue him , its just people say everyone makes mistake and it was a sticky situation that led to cheating on his part and when he tried to make it up or work it out I left. We were young... but you are right , maybe Im just making excuses for him
Post # 8
Swizzle: we were young when the cheating happened, but you are right why go back. Since then I do see his growth but I never gave it a chance. But I have gotten marriage counselling and will cont. thank you for the advice
Post # 9
leisha606: to ans your question re: my ex, I dont know.. he said it was a foolish mistake made by a young foolish man, he does take very good care of our child and i have seen his growth and as we got older we remain friends, he has ask in the past for a chance and I didnt give it to him and this is where the confusion came. But you are right I made a commitment and should see it through. thank you for your advice.
Post # 10
Now that you are married, your commitment is to your husband, IMO. You owe it to him, to yourself, to your daughter, and to God before whom you made your vows, to try to work this out. No matter how much you love someone, you aren’t always going to feel “in love.” As long as you are focused on someone else, and what might have been, you aren’t going to be able to love your husband. Please give this a fair shot. Divorcce sucks. I speak from experience.
Post # 11
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
lisa14: Spend the next year really working on your marriage. Go to individual counseling and couples counseling. Speak to a religious leader you trust for advice. If sex is an issue, make sure to discuss that with your therapist too because they can give you pointers on how to make it feel more intimate. Being married isn’t siss-boom-bah fireworks and unicorns all the time. It takes work and commitment, two things that you promised when you got married. What attracted you to your husband in the first place? Focus on the attributes you love and respect about your husband. Chemistry can be created out of your situation if you truly care about him on some level and you work on it.
Stop thinking about your ex. He is the father of your child so you will always have feelings for him but that doesn’t mean you should be with him. You wasted multiple years on him while he treated you like crap and cheated on you. Don’t waste another moment thinking life with him would be easier because it will be just as bad as it ever was, if not worse.
If after a year you still want out then you need to promise yourself that you will remain alone for at least one year to work on yourself. Running back to your ex is only going to give him all the power in the relationship and if he’s cheated on you in the past, that power will definitely lead to him cheat on you again.
Post # 12
I’m not going to repeat what everyone else has said, but I second all of it. You made a decision, and in every way except chemistry he is a good man. That’s more than a lot of people get.
Now, as far as chemistry goes, I and most of my married friends also waited until marriage; however, we all knew that there was a spark and all knew that we had chemistry with our husbands before we had the chance to have sex. Don’t let the awkwardness of new sex get to you. It’d be awkward and probably unsparky the first time regardless of whether or not you were married. Look for the good, and do some research into how to make it better! Practice – the more you do it, the better. The book, “Holy Sex” by someone-or-other Popcak is really good and indepth enough to help you dig into why you’re having trouble and how to fix it. It’s a catholic book, but you don’t have to be catholic to get something out of it. Anyways, look for the good even though I”m sure it is hard. You have a good man who will be a good father to your daughter, and that is a good thing.
Post # 13
I do owe him that is true, as bad as it sounds its hard when I know Im in love with someone else, I buried these feelings for so long and its bad . You`re right , I will give it my all. thank you
Post # 14
I believe in most other cultures around the world (that are not western or westernized). Marrying someone is not about who you fell in love with, it’s about who you can have a partnership with to go through life sucessfully and raising children sucessfully. It’s the reason why our culture has such a high divorce right because we think we need to “feel in love.” Feeling in love is just an emotion that doesn’t last. You should read stories about Indian couples in arranged marriages who grew to love eachother. Their marriage didn’t start with love. The only reason I believe someone should leave a marriage is from adultery or abuse. Otherwise I think one should accept the consequences of their decision. Even if someone marries someone they fell in love with, 10 years down the road, they could say “Oh I don’t feel in love anymore…” Then what? You can’t have that kind of attitude. Real love is deeper than feelings. Marriage is about what you can do for your spouse, not what your spouse can do for you. And if anyone can understand that, then they shall have a much easier marriage.
Post # 15
I think you need to see a therapist on three fonts. Working on your marriage (It’s only been a few months. Seriously? You’re giving up after four months?), working through your sex issues, and then working on letting this other dude go. Wedding vows, at least to me, were a very serious pact I made with my husband. I would not be doing myself or him any form of justice if I were to throw my hands up because I didn’t get perfection right off the bat. I am not religious nor is my husband so I can’t comment on that front (We didn’t wait nor did we get married “in the eyes of god” or however you want to word it), so my advice may be a bit off in regards to this, but perhaps you should see solice in your faith. Maybe a religious leader would be able to help you at least work through letting go of your ex and accepting your husband for the man he is? I am not sure if there would be church workshops or therapists that might be able to help you more properly.