Newlywed, but already feel like I married the wrong person

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

hi there, sorry to hear you are going through this.  If you do want to work on your marriage to make it better, I really believe it’s possible. The Five Love Languages book is excellent (or it may be The Five Languages of Love, can’t remember!). I’ve read that and my FI is in the process of reading it. I found it really good, it is written from a Christian perspective which you may find useful, and I have also just ordered ‘The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work’ which is supposed to be good but I haven’t read it yet.

It sounds like you have a lot going on but I think you can both make it through this IF you both want to work hard. However, if you really feel, after a few months’ reflection that you made a mistake then it’s a very unselfish thing to let each other go so that you can find people better suited to each other. That’s the decision I’m trying to make myself right now with my fiance, it’s very difficult but much better to do this now than to spend the next 20 or 50 years wishing you had done things differently.

good luck!

Post # 4
Member
786 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I dont think I really have any mind-blowing solutions or ideas for you, but I just wanted to say sorry for your situation :=( I think the way youre trying to handle it is really great and admirable and regardless of what happens, it seems like you’re taking steps in the right direction to figure out what the best options are for you and your wife. I also believe that marriage is for life so I understand not wanting to go to divorce. I do know some people who got married for various reasons other than “they found the ONE” and have worked hard to make it work, and have even grown to really love each other the way spouses should.

Anyways, no matter what you choose to do, I think the way you are approaching this is wonderful. Just be open and honest with your wife every step of the way.

Post # 5
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

She was there for you during your cancer. (Congrats on a clean bill of health). Perhaps your love for her at that time was not true love, but love for her compassion and understanding and support. Much like you would love a best friend for standing by you. How do you get your spark with her now? You don’t. You can’t force it. Do you want to be in loveless marriage the rest of your life because you don’t believe in divorce? Ask yourself this: If she were to leave tomorrow, would you sigh relief or miss her like crazy? If you would sigh relief, you really must tell her now. Because this isn’t all about you. She deserves a husband who adores her and loves her more than he loves thinking of his singledom. I know that dosen’t help much. I’m basically saying, no one deserves to be in a loveless marriage. Not you, but also, not her.

Post # 6
Member
595 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I would echo londongal’s book suggestion. I went through The Five Love Languages through a recommendation of a friend and found it SUPER helpful. I don’t 100% agree with everything in the book but at least learning how to best love each other is helpful. I’m hoping to someday go through it with my fiance. I also own The Marriage You’ve Always Wanted but haven’t read it yet. I respect your decision to try to make things work. I think that’s very admirable considering the divorce-happy world we live in today (not saying divorce should never occur but people should try to work things out at least).

I can only imagine how difficult it would be to start to live with someone who is so different from yourself. Maybe finding an older, married couple to mentor you would help? Also, the whole thing about the honeymoon phase, I think that’s true for some people but not for everyone. I’ve always thought that the first two years would be the hardest because both of you are still adjusting to being married and realizing you can’t do anything whenever you like or leave your socks on the floor or whatever. My fiance and I are also quite different but I think the key thing is that we recognize the ways our differences can help make the other one stronger. To use a slightly silly example, I’m not the most punctual person, he is. As a result, I make an extra effort to be on time for him/on time for the parties we attend because I know it’s important to him. But yeah, part of me is a little worried about living together once we get married because I’m rather slovenly while he is neat as a pin. But I know we’ll make it work because we love each other and (more importantly) we are committed to each other. And honestly, this is not a very popular sentiment, but I think having that commitment is much more valuable than having that “love” feeling. Because that sort of feeling is fragile and will not always be there (which is part of why The Five Love Languages was written, to help people get back on track to loving their spouses).

I think the most important thing is to be honest with your wife. Tell her about your desire to want to make it work. Pray about it together. Seek counsel from a pastor/counselor/mentor. Maybe try to put both of you in social situations where you can meet other couples who are compassionate. I hope everything works out for the two of you no matter how the chips fall and that you both end up happy. I’ll be praying for you both.

Post # 7
Member
270 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2001

I found the first year of marriage to be very difficult.  We didn’t live together before we were married, so that was a big adjustment.  We were also expecting a baby, so that added a huge stress.  Throw some big financial issues in the mix and we were in a pretty big mess!  It took a while, at least a year, but things gradually got better.  We have been married 10 years now, and I can’t imagine life without him.  I would make it a point to actively LOVE your wife.  Treat her as if she is the only person in the world you want to be with.  Chances are, she will do the same to you, and maybe you will see she really is the woman you want.  Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’m so sorry you are struggling.  The other books suggested all get my stamp of approval as well, but I would add that Sacred Marriage is really challenging and insightful.  It delves into the idea “What if the greatest purpose of marriage isn’t to make us happy, but to make us holy?”  At the least, it’s an interesting read.  One thing I try to remember is that no marriage is going to have the warm fuzzies all the time.  I think love has different stages and some of those mean that you settle into companionship and comfort and some of those mean you really don’t “feel” in love at all, but you dig in and hold on and ride through the rough phase.  Also, as a fellow newlywed, I can relate that post-marriage the idea of the committment you’ve made is really driven home and can be a little scary.  Even though you know ahead of time you’re making a life-long committment, the reality of it is a big transition.  Throw in beginning to live together and lifes normal stresses (jobs, finances, etc.) and you’ve got an emotional storm waiting to happen.  Let yourself adjust and give yourself permission to own your feelings, even if they aren’t the feelings you think that you “should” be feeling right now.  I also agree with the poster who said to focus on actively loving your wife, and you may be surprised how it ends up affecting you.   

It sounds like your wife is supportive and committed, and I wish you both the best of luck.  Congrats on being cancer free!

Post # 9
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

@smores: I agree! Sacred Marriage is a must read. It will not focus on so much of the feelings we often use to decide things in our relationships but more of the principles and then how to keep things going for the better.

 

 

Post # 10
Member
3369 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

You sound exactly like my father, speaking of the beginning of his 29 year marriage with my mother.  Looking back, he said he knew from day one, just as you’re describing now.  They went to counseling, read books (I have one with his notes in the margin), and raised 4 children without one argument in all those years.  But they were never in love.  He respected her and she took care of him.  My Dad decided to end their friendship when he fell head over heels in love with the woman who is now my stepmom…and my mom had to start her life all over again, close to 50, back in the dating world or be alone.  I think he shared all this with me to say, if you have doubts… listen to them.  Face the hard choices before you make it harder on someone else, and yourself.  He had a good life, with four wonderful kids, a peaceful home… all worthwhile things, but he didn’t have the kind of love I hear you saying you would like to have… and neither did my mom.  She spent those years feeling secure with her best friend, but not being desired.  I can’t possibly tell you what to do and I wouldn’t be here if they hadn’t stayed together.  I don’t know if there’s something my dad could have done and didn’t, or if he held onto an ideal while he overlooked what was right in front of him.  I just wanted to share my dad’s story, for whatever it’s worth. 

Post # 11
Member
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I suggest love after marriage, I don’t think its a book but more of a program. Since you two are Christians you can probably find it at a church. I have had friends who were not living together after 6 months of marriage, and did it, they believe it saved their marriage, they are currently expecting their first child and they are incredibly happy. I have some other friends who struglled from day 1 of marriage and they have done this and highly suggest it.

 

It sounds like making it work is your priority (if not I totally understand), but if thats the case, I do think that its possible, but it probably wont be easy. I also think that you and your wife could probably benefit from counseling (not neccesarily couples counseling, but separately), you two have gone through a lot with your illness and a struggling marriage, I think that this would help you two, and being strong independently will probably help you be strong together. Good luck.

Post # 12
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Wow!  You have a lot of “new” on your plate.  It’s a lot to digest.  You are already ahead of the game in that you and your wife like and respect each other and that you both have the same Christian values.  It is also great that the two of you are communicating about this.  Don’t believe that all newlyweds are in a honeymoon phase.  You two are just going to have to learn to be happily married.  Happy is relative.  It doesn’t have to be (and probably isn’t going to be) what you see in movies.  Roll up your sleeves and work at it.  Couples classes/counseling wouldn’t be a bad idea.  It might open both of your eyes to things neither of you has ever considered.  Make the effort to find something you two enjoy together but don’t think you have to do everything together.  Actually, DH and I are very different and we have a few things we do together but we don’t spend all of our time together at all. Personally, I would find that suffocating.  You two really are on this journey together. With the save values and goals I would bet the two of you will be fine.  

Post # 13
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@jjmomma: wow, I came here to see if OP had put anything else up, but the story about your dad really hit home for me.  Just posted a new thread and i think this may be the answer I need anyway.  I’m trying to decide whether or not to put in a lot of hard work with FI or whether to call it a day. It doesn’t feel like it should be THIS difficult.  But having said that, if we were married I would probably be more likely to work a bit harder on it, at the moment it’s easier for me because we only have a wedding to cancel and two months notice to give on our apartment.  If we were married and owned a house and had kids, it would be much harder.

OP – how are you feeling?  more hopeful?

Post # 14
Member
3369 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

@londongal:  For the OP and anyone going through this too… I doubt my dad would say to everyone get up and leave if you’re not happy.  This is speaking to a different type of “knowing” that something is missing.  I went through feelings of boredom or restlessness with my now husband and that was more about my own insecurity and immaturity.  I stayed in my relationship and it gradually built into something so strong that it’s exciting all on its own.  I learned how better to communicate and do the give and take with him.  Even in the down times, I felt like, “Thank God I’m here.”  What I heard in OP’s story was a nagging doubt that says, like he wrote, “How did I get here?” 

I’m not an advocate of giving-up, but I do believe it’s okay to say I wasn’t honest before and I have to start now.  It takes courage to be true to yourself.  I asked DH about this last night, and he reminded me of his previous relationship where, for insurance eligibility, they became legally married, even though he was considering ending it.  They were both unhappy, but stayed together and “did the right thing”.  If anyone had told him as a Christian or any other reason to keep trying to make it work, he wouldn’t know this life with me, our children, and the depth of love that’s possible.  He choose the possibility of a life alone over what was familiar, but then he met me a few years later. 

I know I sound like I’m saying to leave, but I can’t really know all the details that make up the bigger picture.  I just wanted to be sure there were real life experiences presented.  And that it’s okay, after honestly considering your motives, to make a choice.

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