- 4 years ago
- Wedding: March 2013
@gaspedal11: I’m married and have had the occasional crush. The best way I deal with it is to limit contact. If he flirts, give him the cold shoulder. I mean, chatting for an hour, that’s practically a date! 🙂 Limit contact with him and I almost guarantee the crush will die down. You don’t want to start an affair which ruins two marriages.
Oh, and work on your own marriage, do things like organise date nights.
I understand how you feel, and it’s very painful to be in a relationship where you feel very lonely. I went through something very similar the first year FI and I lived together for the first time, except my FI was also moody and angry a lot of the times too.
The first thing you need to do is shake the la-la-la land cobwebs from your brain and really look at reality. Regardless of how awful you feel, you are a married woman who took a vow that you’ll be in this marriage for better or worse, and right now you’re going through the “worst” of times. I know the grass looks beautifully greener on the other side, but in reality, this man you’re crushing on has got a negative side too (everyone does) and he isn’t prince charming. Meaning he might be really nice to you, but behind closed doors you have no clue what he’s like to his wife. And if he’s coming around being flirtatious with you, I guarantee you if you end up with him, he will cheat on you the same way he’s emotionally cheating on his wife now.
Secondly, you need to do things to make yourself happy and stop looking to your husband to make you feel special, etc. When my FI turned moody, angry, emotionally unavailable, didn’t help around the house at all, and every convo we have seemed to turn into an argument, the best thing I learned to do was to completely stop expecting anything from him and went about my day as if everything was normal and 110% completely focused on things I was passionate about in life and did things that made me happy (regardless of him). It was not easy, but it worked beautifully in the end. By giving him space, and being warm, open, cheerful, and loving whenever he did come around, and being super appreciative of the things he did do around the house, my FI changed dramatically and turned back in the loving, affectionate man I knew him as. Even if your DH is stubborn and doesn’t want to change, when one partner in a marriage changes the other one will eventually change too (if not than you can make a decision to leave then).
What I’m trying to tell you is, you have a marriage you made a commitment to. It is your duty to try to make things work with your husband before jumping ship. This other guy might seem absolutely wonderful right now, but that’s just a fantasy because he is a man who is willing to go around flirting with other women while he has a wife and two kids at home. In life, there is NO such thing as the perfect wonderful loving relationship — the ONLY way to have that is to work at it and learn the relationships skills needed so you know how to create that type of relationship for yourself. I’m sorry you’re in a painful place right now, but this is actually quite normal, so please don’t lose hope and give up on your marriage so soon.
Also, if you are talking to your coworker for over an hour each day, this can cause problems at work because your boss won’t be too happy. So that’s another reason to cut out flirting at work. Not to mention – this guy is flirting while married, and that’s not really attractive at all. Bet you aren’t the first and you won’t be the last. Don’t get caught up with him. I promise he has bad habits too – whether that’s household chores or not helping with the kids.
I struggle with the chores issue too around the house and getting your husband to help. You can sit down and make a chore chart together. You can suck it up. You can hire someone to clean. And you can just stop cleaning his stuff – e.g. just do your laundry.
Also, why do you feel stuck at home when he’s gone? Get out! Go out with girlfriends, (I’m not one who says you must only see those of same sex but I caution you here since you’re having some issues and would recommend it in your case), join some activities – take classes or volunteer, and find things at home to enjoy doing. Be happy again without being reliant on him.
Remember why you made your vows to your husband. Go 110% of the distance to him. Start showing him how much you appreciate him and I bet he’ll realize it, appreciate it, and reciprocate after a while (don’t expect immediate recognition).
You are married… not dead
So yes you are going to go thru life and maybe come across people you are going to “wonder about” or crush on
It happens to all of us, that is a fact.
What matters is WHAT YOU DO with it.
Do nothing… and it will get more intense for you… cause there is NO ONE putting the brakes on.
And the more time you spend with this man… (MARRIED MAN, I need to add)… the more that this becomes an “Emotional Affair”
You’ll start sharing more in your chats that will be personal, and less about work.
And at that instant… you’ve crossed the line…
Then one of you will DO OR SAY something inappropriate, and a Physical Affair will be just “a second away” (one kiss will do it… another line crossed)
And once these lines are crossed THERE IS NO GOING BACK / TAKING THEM BACK
You’ll either move forward into even a deeper affair…
Or you’ll find yourself wallowing in guilt and regret. And that too can hurt / ruin your marriage.
And then what… you expect him to just pack it all up, dump his wife, his kids, and ride up on his white horse to rescue you from Yourself (because in reality, he isn’t rescuing from your Hubby as you might imagine… he’s rescuing you from the “boring” you that you’ve chose to become WITHIN YOUR MARRIAGE)
Guess what… that crap never turns out to be as good as your Daydream.
Marital Break Ups are messy… more so when there are kids involved.
Even if you got together with him you’d forever be THE SCARLET WOMAN
(No one likes a Cheater… and a “Homewrecker” even less)
And Mr Wonderful, I am sure that if you were to talk to his current wife, she’d tell you that he is less than perfect. He too has issues that drive her crazy.
Lol, maybe one of which is that altho he is a Husband & Father is he is a serial cheater who cannot keep his man-bits in his pants !!
So ya, the grass isn’t always greener !!
My BEST ADVICE… Don’t go there. Put the brakes on NOW.
Work on you. Work on your Marriage. ONLY YOU can make YOUR LIFE and YOUR MARRIAGE better.
If need be, go get some counselling… maybe help for yourself alone first.
Marital Counselling (with a different therapist) after that if need be.
BUT as someone who is Divorced… and will tell you that it is something I wouldn’t wish on my WORST ENEMY… such a demeaning / demoralizing experience… even if you are the one to pull the plug
You need to be able to say that you did everything possible to FIX your Marriage long BEFORE you finally call it quits.
So change your habits… limit your Exposure to the Work Guy…
And work on your home life with your Hubby
And you’ll find that “this crush” will dissipate.
(( HUGS ))
PS… And how on earth can a woman who wants to get ahead in her career see that there could be an excuse to sit around chatting with someone for 2 hours in one day ???
And if your Co-Workers are noticing… so is your Boss !!!
That would be BOTH the time you are wasting with this guy… but also the chemistry you both have with one another. People are going to start to talk… and yes JUDGE BOTH OF YOU as Married People doing something that is inappropriate (in the workplace none the less). NOT COOL. The implications of this could be a lot greater than you currently are imagining / daydreaming about !!
This ends in two scenarios.
You leave your husband and date this guy.
Or you stop engaging in flirtation with this man and work through your issues with your husband to have a healthier and stronger marriage.
Crushes happen, but they can be a problem when you have problems with your husband and fantasize leaving him for another guy…sounds like it may be a bigger issue.
Best wishes whatever route you go.
Nobody is EVER as perfect as they seem when you first meet them & are in that “crush” stage. Plus, those issues you’re dealing with with your DH are minor in the long run…meaning they’re super fixable.
This guy is just there, he’s a fill in for your fantasies. The problem is your marriage needs some work
@This Time Round: +1 to everything. Especially the comment about not being rescued from your husband.
ETA: There’s been a few threads lately along the lines of “this and that went wrong before marriage, but I married him anyway.” It doesn’t matter. Whatever came before does not matter. Woulda-coulda-shoulda does nothing to change the fact that you made vows to your husband.
@gaspedal11: Your crush is a symptom of the problems in your marriage, so don’t beat yourself up too bad. If you were happy in your marriage you wouldn’t even notice other men. Now, this other guy seems wonderful in comparison and is giving you the attention your lacking from your husband. It might also be that you still hold a lot of resentment towards your husband for his earlier cheating, and that’s by no means unreasonable. You just think the grass is greener and he’s probably not actually that wonderful, especially considering he’s married to someone else!!!
Now you have some serious decisions to make:
1. You could end your marriage, which seems to be based on the foundation of a fairly rocky relationship and move on. If this is what you decide, beware of pursuing your crush. He’s married and he might just see your flirtation as a bit of fun at the office and nothing more. It could lead to a very awkward situation. Also, you’ll obviously be feeling very hurt and vunerable and need time to heal before you get into another relationship.
2. Your second option is to work really hard to try fix the problems in your marriage. That means putting an end to your office fliration and your fantasies so you can focus on your husband. You can’t fix a relationship when you already have one foot out the door. It sounds like you and your husband need to have a very honest talk and probably go to couples counciling to resolve things and deal with the issues that remain from the past infidelities. Obviously, your husband needs to be made aware of exactly how you are feeling and how in danger your marriage really is. He needs to take the issues seriously and understand that things are not working they way they are.
Hopefully you can figure out what’s right for you, best of luck!
@gaspedal11: Imagine life with this co-worker if you were to be with him a year or five years from now. Do you think you would still get butterflies when you see him? Probably not. When you’ve been in a long term relationship there are highs and lows when it comes to the passion factor. All couples grow complacent at some point or another, so maybe you should talk to your DH about how you are feeling (maybe not mention the crush right away). Just tell him that you aren’t feeling special, things are becoming routine, etc. There are definitely ways to spice things up in your marriage! If you did leave your DH for this co-worker you would probably be feeling the same thing a few years after being together.