Post # 1
I’m posting this as anonymous since it’s rather embarasing for me. I’m a newlywed, and this is my first time living out of my parents house. I’m used to the hustle and bustle of my old house. And here I find it very lonely, dark and gloomy. My husband works when I’m off, and I’m working when he’s off. I find myself going to stores after work, dropping in to see my parents, anything so I don’t come home to an empty house. We see each other for a few hours a day, then it’s off to bed and back to work. On my days off, I end up laying around watching TV, having breakfast alone, then sitting around more until I finally drag myself into the shower or out to do some chores. I feel totally drained and miserable. I feel like I’m in the movie Groundhog day. It’s a complete repitition of the day before. The week before. The month before.
I’ve been depressed my whole life. Diagnosed with bipolar disorder a few years ago, but the medications made me exhausted, out of it, and unable to stay focused at work. And the depression didn’t improve much. I stopped going to therapy when I thought I was feeling better. At the time, I had nothing to talk about. Nothing I wanted to talk about anyway. I foolishly believed if only I were to get married and start a life I’d be happy. And now it’s even more of a let down as I feel worse each passing day. I’m in a crabby mood all the time and take things out on my husband needlessly. I just feel totally empty. Doing chores, housework etc make me feel like the world is on my shoulders. I have no motivation to do any of this.
It’s difficult to be positive and not be a total letdown all the time. My husband is well aware of my issues and has accepted them. He however, is the total opposite. He is rarely upset about anything and in general takes a laid back attitude to things. It’s good in a way, but irritating as well. He adds to my stress when I find I have to actually dictate to him what gets done around here. If i didn’t do the laundry, vacuum the house, mop the floors, dust etc, it would never ever get done! He does the bare minimum. He doesn’t even do his own laundry. I apologize for this being so long…but I really have no idea what to do anymore..has anyone else felt like this after getting married??? I feel so stupid for being ungrateful for the life I have. I have friends who have it much worse and I feel like such an idiot for complaining about the things that I’m going through…
Post # 3
@AnnieUp27: First of all, you should not feel ‘stupid’ for the emotions you are having. Everything you are feeling is vaild and real and completely true in your world, so there is nothing wrong with feeling the way that you do! I really think you should try to seek counseling again. Whenever I struggle with my anxiety, therapy always helps ground me and see things through different eyes. Also, I’m not sure how realistic this is with your situation, but perhaps you and your husband can sit down and talk abotu figuring out ways to spend more time together? I’m sorry I can’t offer more advice.. I would just make sure you let your husband and your family know what you are going through. The people who love you will be nothing but supportive, and know that you are certainly not alone in feeling this way!
Post # 4
First thing I would do is try to see if you are unhappy being married, or if there is a deeper issue being unhappy with yourself. What is it about being home that makes you feel so lonely? I work from home, and my husband and I also have opposite schedules. We see each other for a few hours before we go to bed every night and then on weekends. I am completely content with that. However every personality is different and certain lifestyles affect people differently. To me- I think you need to find things that fill you up more 🙂 Find a girl’s group, wine night, bible study, run group- anything! That way you don’t have all your eggs in one basket. I think its good to be equally balanced with your life as an individual- and being married. Sorry if that confusing. My husband and I definitely share every part of our lives together- however I make sure he gets filled up by other things to. Friends, hobbies, passions…etc. Your sole happiness shouldnt be formatted on your marriage.
Another thought- try and liven up your home life with your hubby. After the New Years- we kinda went through this boring routine slope. So one time he came home from work and I had a bunch of board games out. We ended up playing for the couple hours before bed. No we didnt make it a weekly thing- but it definitely reminded us how much fun we have together and it changed out routine. Now, sometimes we go on walks after dinner.
One more thing- this is kinda cheesy, but it really really helps our relationship. Everynight before bed, we do 4 things. We ask
1. Can I do anything for you 2. Have I hurt you today 3. Show some type of affection 4. Give Verbal Affirmation.
Sorry to blab away- hope some of this helps!
I’m really sorry you are going through this- as a fellow Bee, I’m here for ya. Thats whats so great about this little wedding bee community 🙂
Keep your chin up 🙂
Post # 6
@AnnieUp27: I get this. I just got married and now that the wedding is over I feel like our lives are so routine and boring. When this happens to me, I generally try to change something about my situation and use any free time to my advantage. What line of work are you in? Can you try a new career, take some classes, find a new hobby, go to the gym, anything that will get you out of the house? Some of this has worked for me and some hasn’t. It’s usually just a question of finding the right thing at the right time to bring me out of it.
Post # 7
I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. My FI and I have opposite work schedules so we don’t see each other in a waking state for 4 or 5 days at a time even though we live together. I have found that making plans with a friend one night a week gives me something to look forward to.
Do you like animals? Coming home to a happy dog really makes my otherwise empty house more welcoming.
In regards to the house cleaning I have just realized that if I want something done to just ask my FI to do it rather than wait around and be disappointed when he doesn’t take initiative. He genuinely doesn’t care if the house is clean. It’s not that he expects me to do everything it’s just that he would be happy living in a pig sty. house up keep is the one thing we fight about 🙁
Post # 8
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@AnnieUp27: Yes, it’s normal to be somewhat deflated after your wedding but it also sounds like you aren’t adjusting to your new lifestyle and I suspect you never lived with your husband prior to the wedding so you did not know what to expect. Is there any way you or him could change jobs or schedules so you can spend more time together? How did you spend time together before?
If you are diagnosed bipolar and off your meds you really should get back in and see your psychiatrist to discuss different meds. One of the biggest problems with being medicated for bipolar is that there is a natural tendency to hate being on the meds so you stop taking them. Or you feel better so you stop going to counseling. This is probably part of the reason your depression is especially acute at the moment. Unfortunately, you have to accept that bipolar is a lifelong disease that affects all aspects of your life and that means you will have to have regular counseling and medication check ups regularly (at least every 6-12 months), even when you are feeling okay.
Post # 9
Thanks everyone for your great advice and kind responses.
beachbride defintely hit the nail on the head. I’m not adjusting to my new lifestyle well at all. My husband and I only lived together for about a month prior to getting married. Before that, we saw eachother 5 times a week and always spent the night (we’ve been together around 6 years and the driving back and forth thing was really getting old, even though it was only about 20 minutes away). Unfortunately, changing jobs or schedules right now is not really feasible. He works retail, so the hours are changing weekly. If we need to go somewhere together, it’s always last minute since the following weeks hours could be totally different. He’s looking for a new job, but for right now, this one has to do.
My job pays much better and is normal working hours (8am to 5pm). Although I am also looking for a new job (there are numerous reasons why that I won’t go into), I’ havent had much luck anyway. i work in the administrative department and find my work dull and pointless. So that of course doesn’t help the way I’m feeling on a daily basis.
And yes I love animals! I have a dog, but since he is so used to being around people all day (my mother is retired and is home most of the day) I only bring him over on weekends. He’d be miserable home alone all day and I don’t see it to be fair to him when he has plenty of company with my mom. So while I’d love to come home to my little guy, I find it best to leave the situation untouched for the time being.
I would like to take some classes actually to start a career in animal care. I’m already 27, so I sort of feel as though I missed the boat. There’s only so much I can afford and so much time to complete classes while working a full time job. As for hobbies..I guess I’ve never really had any. And I don’t feel the motivation to even take the time to get into any.
Going back to counseling is something I’ve been considering. Taking the meds again..maybe not so much. They cost an arm and a leg and have nasty side effects (anyone who has ever been on medication for depression,bipolar, etc will know what I’m talking about). It’s very costly since my health insurance really is not very good, but once a week would certainly be a start.
Post # 10
How about temporary fostering for a shelter or a rescue? It may not be an ideal home for the dog but it’s still better than the shelter. Or maybe adopt a senior dog? Most are very, very relaxed, and they just sleep the entire time you’re away. =) The shih tzu I adopted at 10 is still healthy & happy at 13 thanks to raw feeding.
Post # 11
@AnnieUp27: Seems like you are getting a lot of suggestions but I thought I’d throw my $0.02 in because I can relate. My fiance and I aren’t married yet but we do live together and did a big cross-country move about 1.5 years ago that necessitated a lot of lifestyle readjustment. I struggled a lot with loneliness and feeling blah, stuck in a routine, bored.
I try to keep myself busy with hobbies now… beading, sewing, embroidering, cooking, baking, drawing, etc. Even if I don’t feel like doing something or it’s hard to get out of bed on a weekend, I still try to make myself do something a little different. So, if you can afford it, I would say find one thing you have always wanted to do, buy some supplies, and get creative! Best of luck to you!
Post # 12
@AnnieUp27: I have bipolar also – keeping up a good routine and finding ways to manage everything is pretty rough sometimes. (feel free to PM me)
It’s good that you have a regular job, with good daytime hours. That’s worth a lot. I agree with PPs that finding nice activities to incorporate into your days can help. Maybe make a list of things you’d like to do and then you don’t have to think too hard, just pick something on the list. (For me that includes hiking, reading a book for an hour, teaching my dog a new trick, baking cookies, call x friend for frozen yogurt, etc)
As for going back to school for animal care… I’m applying for vet school, (which, there are lots of other things like vet tech, kennel tech, shelter work, pet-sitting, etc) but many many of my friends (about 8) are non-traditional students going BACK to school, at the age of 25-35. And they are EXCITED. They will still have a 30 year career ahead of them, in something they like way better. They are willing to sacrifice 4-8 years in school, with a fair bit of debt, to do this. The point being, if you really want this, MAKE IT HAPPEN. A lot of things short of full on vet school, you can work part time while you do it. Maybe it’ll take longer, but it’s an investment. You are absolutely NOT too late!
Good luck with everything!