(Closed) Newlywed Seeking Advice

posted 4 months ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
3872 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Oh Bee this situation sounds incredibly difficult. Given his background it is obvious to me why he lashes out and why he is terrible at communication. He was clearly abandoned most of his childhood and I’m sure he holds on to his past when he is in arguments with you, but that is no way to live.

I’m not going to lie to you, most bees are quick to tell you to leave or quick to explain how perfect their relationships are (they are not actually) and how much they do not fight with their DH/FI/SO but the truth is, relationships are difficult, EVERYONE FIGHTS and there are a lot of factors at play when trying to make things work.

But IMO your DH is not being a good partner to you. Your relationship is nowhere near 50/50. It seems that most of the time you give 80% and he puts in a mere 20%… Relationships will ebb and flow and the percentages will often be skewed in different ways sometimes but he doesn’t seem to put much effort in at all and now it’s getting old, fast. And I don’t blame you for wanting more out of him, you deserve it.

And here’s the thing, you have every right to demand that he puts in more effort. This would be a deal breaker for me. If this continues in this way you are only going to get more and more resentful and the marriage will most assuredly implode.

And might I add that you’ve been pretty vocal about wanting to have a child soon on these boards and there is absolutely no way in holy hell I would consider having a child with him anytime soon. He needs to fix himself before either of you even think about bringing a child into this dysfunction. He needs more therapy and you would benefit from some yourself. You also need to have a long serious talk with him because if you can move on from this and still be married to him he needs to do way more to convince you that he loves you and this marriage can work. Good luck Bee.

Post # 3
Member
3872 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

And also, you need to stop making excuses for the fact that he’s treating you like shit. Yes he had a terrible past but that should not be bleeding into his future and screwing up his marriage with you. Just because he had a rough past doesn’t mean he’s allowed to call you a cunt. Remind him of that. You don’t need to be treated like shit because he’s filled with anger. Fuck that shit.

Post # 4
Member
2263 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017 - Outside in Paris

I’m sorry for his past but that is not an excuse for his present. Name calling is unacceptable. All couples argue but there is a healthy way to do it. I think you need to sit down with a professional.

 

 

Post # 5
Member
5587 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

railroaderwifeyxo :  

No go on the couples’ counseling.  It’s not really safe.  If his therapist felt there was a need to bring you in, she would indicate that.

 Bee, I am very sorry, but the behavior you describe is abusive.  Calling you the *c* word is abusive.  Grabbing the poor puppy and refusing to let you take him out as a means to control you is scary abusive.  It was also abusive toward the puppy who needed to go out.  I fear for the safety of that helpless dog as your h is showing signs of escalating.  Can you take the pup to your parents’ for awhile?

Your h has a terrible history and it’s great that he’s in therapy.  That doesn’t mean he’s actually working in therapy.  I am very concerned for you, Bee.  Very concerned.

 

Post # 6
Member
3977 posts
Honey bee

I remember you saying you were planning on TTC soon- is that off the table now?

Post # 10
Member
74 posts
Worker bee

 

railroaderwifeyxo :  You seem very level headed and good at communicating. Just out of curiosity (not that it makes it easier or harder) but when you were dating did you see any signs of this behavior or is this all the first time he’s acted out this way? Also, no one ever deserves to be called these types of names, my ex called me these and it would tear me apart.

Post # 13
Member
578 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I’m so sorry this is happening. I wouldn’t call it abuse but it’s pretty horrible behaviour towards you. I’ve always seen you on the boards and thought you were so lovely and kind. I really hope things get better.

marriage counselling would be worth a try. It’s really imprortant to have a good counsellor. I’ve seen a lot to help me deal with chronic health problems ( counselling is free through my work) and the good ones have been amazing. Not so good ones have kinda just been a waste of my time. I like the ones who have a mindfulness mindset, it might be good for your husband because it teaches you to step back when you are reacting in a traditional way and think about what you are really feeling/experiencing. If he’s already in counselling at least he’d be open to it!

as for the household things, do you have any money for a house cleaner? Sometimes that can help if you just have one for a bit. I’m not sure the best way to bring this up to your husband but it would save you from being so exhausted all the time? 

 

Post # 14
Member
578 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

railroaderwifeyxo :  I agree. I’ve been in a relationship I’d characterize as abusive too. It sounds like your hubby has some serious issues to work through, but I don’t think he’s being abusive.

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