Post # 1
I need some advice ladies! My husband and I are 25 and got married in May and I seriously am not that interested in sex.
We weren’t virgins when we got married; we had sex 1-4 times a week for a year or so… It’s not at all that I’m unattracted to him. It’s just… I’m not that interested in sex. I know it hurts his feelings and I try to explain that it’s not that I DON’T want it, it’s just that I don’t WANT it. Does that make any sense? But he doesn’t like it when I “force” myself to have sex with him (saying yes when I don’t feell like it/am not runed on) because it’s obvious I’m not that into it even if I try really hard to be… So we only end up having sex like twice a week. Which I feel like is not enough for newlyweds! He’s super understanding, but I feel like I’m not being a very good wife. I know that ideally he would like sex 5+ times a week. I’m good with 2…
Here are my most common reasons for not feeling like sex:
1. I’m tired.
2. We didn’t have time to talk during the day enough so I don’t feel connected. I want to interrupt him during sex to ask, “How was your coworker today? Did you resolve that thing?” Or something similar.
3. I have trouble focusing on him. My mind is a million different places.
I always enjoy sex once we actually do it… It’s just that my knee jerk reaction is always “no”. Part of this is the way I was raised… Lot’s of guilt and “sex is dirty, never have sex until you’re married”. I think another part of it is that we did have sex before we were married, and I kind of “got off” on being rebellious. Now, it’s like it’s not forbidden so it isn’t as exciting…
Do you guys have any advice to help me want to have sex more? It’s really starting to bug me. I never, ever thought it would be this way because I’m a really confident person, comfortable with my body, and comfortable talking about sex with my husband… Help!
Post # 3
Its really good that you’re at least talking with him about it! I think that is seriously a big first step. In terms of the # per week… how does he feel about 2/week? I mean he’d like more obviously (I think most guys would like 20 per week!) but is he satisfied or not? I don’t think you need to feel like you HAVE to do it x/week because you’re newlyweds, if you’re both satisfied don’t let yourself feel badly bc you’re not living up to the newlywed expectation you set for yourself.
If he isn’t satisfied have you tried some things to remedy your issues? With regards to being tired… what about doing it at a different time during the day? My fav time is saturday and sunday morning because we sleep in and then when we wake up I’m not tired and its a nice way to start the day (I often feel the same as you… when we go to bed at night it sometimes takes a little push to get me there bc I’m like omg bed sleep yay).
re: talking more… do you have dinner together every night? What about moving dinner away from the tv and to an actual table where you can sit and talk to each other? FI and I started doing that when we moved in together and it was really nice bc even when he was really busy with work and studying it was like 30 minutes that we just sat and connected. Also if you both work office- type jobs could you email throughout the day? Sometimes when I feel unconnected I send my FI a funny picture or something at work bc just having a 2 line correspondence with him makes me feel better.
Post # 4
Out of interest, are you on the contraceptive pill. I found this really dampened my sex drive 🙁
Post # 5
@lindseyrose: how bout making some ‘forbidden’ situations?? ….sometimes no one wants to talk bout the naughty places they done it at…for some, its not their style…in my opinion, its fun, exciting, and the thrill and getting caught is what makes it more exciting….i won’t go into detail for fear of being judged, haha… but message me if you’d like to elaborate on the subject….
Post # 6
I agree with @corgitales about the dinner. FI and I are not married yet, but a major thing for us once we were living together was to make time to have dinner together. This is a good time for any couple to have some conversation time. We got so used to eating in front of the t.v. that I eventually felt like we were a couple of zombies. Now, we try to have dinner every night (obviously there are some days we don’t). We even bought a brand new dining room table to make the whole dinner together thing easier. Now it’s part of our routine and we love having that time together!
Another suggestion I have is to go pick up a couple of couples games. I know this might seem cheezy to some, but FI and I bought this little “game” box made by cosmopolitan and it really did help to spice things it. It has games in it that help you get in the mood, like for example it has little cue cards that have a random scenario on them and you read the scenario to your partner and then you have to make up the rest…it gets interesting! Little things like this help to keep us connected and make things fun when we’ve both had a long day at work!
Post # 7
@CazS, I’m not on birth control. I won’t go into details, but I had some health issues (blood clot) so we’re doing the fertility awareness method +condoms. I think that’s also part of the problem–I’m not completely confident in the method yet (we just started 2 months ago) so in the back of my head I’m thinking, “If we don’t have sex, we won’t have a baby…”
Even though, if we had a baby we would be super excited and it would be fine. Just not the ideal time.
Post # 8
I’m 24 live with my SO, and he would like to have sex 3X a day but we compromise with 1X a day. Things that helped me are foreplay, and this only works if you have time. Think about all the sexual activity that you can do before actually penetration and try those things; it might help your sex life. You mentioned that you were raised to believe sex was “dirty” and to help combat that issue maybe you should talk about sex with your husband. At first I thought having sex 3X a day was crazy, but after talking about sex with him I know what his needs are and we compromise.
Post # 9
I am the complete opposite as you. I absolutely LOVE having sex. LOL. Sorry if TMI, but honestly I feel like that is one of the best parts our my relationship with my FI. I have also been in the boat where your guy is. So I understand a bit more where he is coming from. If your s/o never wants to have sex with you, you start to feel rejected. I think it is great that you are trying to be more accommodating in your relationship.
As to some solutions, maybe you need to focus on doing some sexual stuff that YOU really enjoy as far as foreplay and stuff goes. Also, try and take some time throughout the day to communicate to your husband. Whether it is just a quick text or whatever. Next, try spicing it up! Wear sexy lingerie. I notice when I FEEL sexier, I am actually more in the mood.
As for being tired, I totally know how much of a sex drive killer that can be. So make sure you are getting plenty of sleep, water, exercise, all of the fundamental basics.
And if it really comes down to it, there is couple’s counseling for stuff like this. If it gets bad enough, you could always try that option. Good luck!!!
Post # 10
We actually do have dinner together every night at our kitchen table… I think I’m just jealous of my husband’s time because he’s back in school now so he has homework in the evenings, and we used to have the evenings for “us.”
I totally want to do all those little things to spice things up (games, lingerie) but I feel SO awkward doing that. DH encourages me not to feel awkward, but I just feel stupid. Seriously, even when I want sex I usually don’t say anything because I feel stupid. Which is so weird because when we were dating I was a total seductress, haha! I don’t know what happened…
Post # 11
@lindseyrose: how bout role play?? you can pretend ur a diff girl seducing him while his ‘wife’ is away…. alter egos, role play…all fun! lol 🙂
Post # 12
2x per week is fine. I’m sure a lot of 25-year-old men would like to have sex every day, but that doesn’t happen all too often, even in the sexy-est of marriages! In fact, a lot of what you’re saying conveys a sense of you feeling sex is SUPPOSED to be a certain way and wondering if you measure up.
Let me assure you: There are no “normal” sexual habits. Whichever way makes YOU feel happy and healthy is right.
But if you do feel that you are lacking interest in sex, it could be a lot of things. I think that based on your history, this might be a reason for therapy, just to help you sort out your emotions.
Post # 13
I’m sort of in the same boat. Sorry ahead of time for TMI. Honestly, we haven’t had sex in over a month. And trust me, I feel so bad because of this. But let me explain. I had been on my period for over a year, yes a year. My new gyno said the best thing to do between now and the wedding was to go back on BC. So I did and it’ve been bleeding on and off for the entire month I’ve been on it. This is just one of the reasons. Another is that I’m not comfortable with my body and I only want to make love at night with the lights off and when we both work until 12 or 2 am it’s hard when we’re tired from working 10 hour shifts, cleaning the house, and doing homework. We’ve discussed it and I love him dearly and it’s not him at all. I’m not that much into right now and I think it’s because I have so much on my mind.