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It is more than that. My husband and I owned a house together and had lived together for 5 years when we got married, so nothing really changed in terms of the nuts and bolts of our daily lives (running a household, paying bills, managing our social lives, etc.). BUT, marriage has a certain gravity that I have had a difficult time articulating. When you disagree, it means more. When you act on feelings of love, it means more. When you discuss your future, it means more. All of these things take on a certain weight when you get married - and it fills your lives and your home in a way it did not before. I found that we treated each other just a little bit differently, spoke about each other just a little bit differently, and started planning our future in a way that we had not before.
Thank you for sharing, that really speaks to me -- I would like to think that our relationship will take on a much greater meaning to it once we are married. I actually quite like the way you articulated those thoughts! I feel like I can envision that type of change, and I think/hope I will *feel* differently as a wife. I am far from the "marriage is just a piece of paper" school of thought. It really is a deeply profound committment to me.
@littlemissmango: I used to feel the same way about living together, like coming back to your shared home after the wedding would be so anticlimactic. However, like you I am living with my fiance now. It just made sense for us and honestly I don't think our relationship would be where it is now if we weren't living together. It made us realize how perfect we were for each other. Spending 90% of your non-work time with something and not wanting to rip their hair out wasn't something I ever thought was possible... but it is! Anyway, I don't regret it but I definitely wonder if we will go back to the house after our wedding day and nothing will be any different.
@septcabride: YES - I agree with all of this
DH and I have been together for 5 years and have lived together for almost 4 of them. Our daily lives didnt really change but something else did and its hard to put my finger on it. Its just a sense of being more connected and really being a team. We feel closer than ever before. It stays the same, yet it changes.
@meginstl: That's a good point. FI and I are very bonded and I'm closer with him than any other person I've ever known. I guess I have to admit that I honestly don't know for certain that we would be this close at this point in our relationship, had we just gone the standard dating and visiting each other route. We actually went from meeting each other on a blind date (when he was visiting the city where I lived) to an LDR with him flying back to see me, straight into me moving over and us living together.
@PitBulLover: I'm glad you also feel that something significant changed for you. FI actually said something really sweet after we got engaged, he said how he knew that I wished we could have avoided living together and that I was worried nothing would change after we got married, but, "doesn't it feel different even now, being engaged? I knew it would and I couldn't wait for you to see that cause after we're married I think that will feel even better too!" :) It does feel like you said even at this stage -- things stayed the same, yet they changed.
Something changed, but it's hard to identify. We lived together in an apartment that we owned for two years before getting married, and always intended to be together forever, but there was just a new certainty that kind of came into play.
Also, there was some external factors that changed. I always had a feeling that both our families were somewhat cautious about us "giving up too much for someone you're just living with" and a lot of that has gone away since we got married which has relieved some of the pressure that that caused. A lot came with our official engagment but really being married was like finally being taken really seriously.
I'd get the odd questions from my mom about why I'd agree to live in a city that's so expensive for him and away from my family, and not the best working environment, and pay money toward a mortgage that's not mine, and all the explaining in the world kind of fell on deaf ears. Somehow "because he's my husband" is just the final word.
I love this post because it is something I have been worried about for a while! We have been living together for the bast two years and I have always been afraid that nothing would change after we were actually married.
Didn't a couple of bees post on this recently? Here's Mrs. Starfish on the subject.
This post was a great idea, I love hearing your answers. Even though you say its hard to explain, I can understand what you guys are getting at (even if I still have to experience it to completely understand) I'm interested to hear more answers!
Ah I'm not the only one! There's just something about coming home to your husband that's different than FI. But I agree, can't quite put my finger on it but maybe I just "feel" more.
@littlemissmango: i had the same sentiments as you. didn't want to live together before being married, but ended up doing it out of necessity, a year and 1 month before our wedding.
i had the same thoughts, that nothing would be different, but in all honesty. there IS a HUGE difference. not necessarily in the daily tasks or life's schedule (which obviously won't change much before or after a wedding). but the way we interact and speak to each other is on a whole different level. the endless support from our parents pre-wedding seems like its doubled, just because of the "official"ness of our marriage. everything has a more serious, in a good way, effect on our lives and each other. the intimacy and the comfort of knowing "this is forever" is a HUGE subconscious factor that is def noticeable post-wedding. :)
Another vote for something changes, but I can't articulate it. We're even more of a team now. Future conversations are more important than before. Not sure if any of this makes sense, but yes, things do change.
This is all so good to hear, thanks guys. :)
I'm glad you've been there, done that, MissJ and can still also vouch that there's a change. It's hard going back on something you thought you'd never do, but I think I'm starting to feel like the specialness of actually being married won't be ruined, I guess that's the fear I had. And I really am looking forward to everything being 100% "official." I think that will make a big difference for me.
@littlemissmango: Thats really sweet :-) And true - I think something changes when you get engaged and when you get married and then again when you have kids. Its not a change you can put into words, but you feel it and know its there. For us, being engaged was a very difficult time that we struggled through so I think thats also a part of the reason why we feel so great being married - because being engaged is over and now we can just relax and settle in!
Thanks for posting this, I had the exact same thoughts before moving in with my FI (before we were engaged), but we are so happy!!
I am so glad that you are finding this helpful!
Something else that really changed for us was our sense of family. I didn't add this to my earlier post, because I know that some people feel really connected to their boyfriend/fiance's family (and vice versa) before marriage, but that was not really the case for me. My husband and I come from very different family backgrounds (mine - big, loud, opinionated, loud, in your business, loud, lots of long-term marriages; his - small, quiet, quite disconnected, lots of divorce, very "east coast"), and we had a bit of a hard time (especially him) fully embracing each others' families before we got married. I would openly complain about my MIL and he was very wary of my (did I say LOUD?) family. I realize now that my husband's decision to propose had a lot to do with accepting my family as his own - as soon as we were engaged he starting treating my family more lovingly and with more acceptance; he started engaging with them more. Now that we are married, we still get annoyed with each others' families (MILs!?! &$%*#), but we have a much more loving respect for them.
Not a whole lot. I now do his laundry and he pays all of the rent --a.k.a mortgage payment.
Not much actually changed per se. I didn't move in with him until we were engaged and serious about a future together.
So we were pretty much living like a married couple.
BUT, and this is hard to describe...something changed in him after we made it official. He seems to take care of me more now. He treats me like his "wife" now. Little things like he took over my car insurance. He is trying to save tons of money towards a down payment on our future home. I dont' know...it's like he got more serious about establishing our FAMILY. You know?
It's really sweet...
I'm curious - are there any bees on here who are NOT living together and reading this post?
I've seen a lot of posters say that they did not want to live together before marriage, and I always wondered why.
I've always thought that living together was a crucial step to take in the process of dating to marriage as it allows the couple to really settle in and almost do a dry run prior to marriage; and my SO shares this sentiment. We're not engaged yet (however, we're talking about getting married next year), but we both agreed that it was an important step for us before an engagement in case we learned there were differences that couldn't be managed, and instead of facing a divorce, we'd just face a breakup. (Although, I really think at this point in our relationships, it would feel/be to much different.)
That being said though, both SO and I house shopped together and moved out of our parents homes into OUR home right away. So, perhaps it is different if each person in the relationship is already self established outside of their parents homes? IE: having to choose whose home to give up?
@sleepingbeauty88: I'm one of those people who doesn't want to live together first. I'm glad to hear that the bond between a co-habituating couple changed for the better once married. I'd love to experience what that bond feels like one day. However, I want that PLUS the new experience of living together once we're married. I want to save that experience to share it with my husband. I don't feel a dry run is necessary so maybe that's where we differ. :)
Hubby and I lived together for nearly 4 years before we got married. It was still super special, and our relationship has definately changed, for the better, since the wedding. It's hard to articulate the whys or hows.. but you'll feel it when it happens :)
Here's a practical tip for those of us living together before the wedding: have someone you trust come to the house after you've left for the wedding and decorate your bedroom for the wedding night, so that you both walk in to a surprise. My Maid of Honor did that for us -- electric candles and netting everwhere. Wine & chocolate on the nightstand. It was magical!
Also in terms of logistics, I insisted that we stay together the night before the wedding and have breakfast together, as normal. It really helped me enter the whirlwind of the wedding in a stable and calm state.
Now, the bigger question: does it change? Oh yes. And it's a good change. We found that our time-horizon expanded dramatically, which surprised both of us, as we hadn't realized that subconsciously we were still hedging our bets a bit. The first person to respond to the question, septcabride, had a great point, I thought, in saying that everything has more weight. The good has more weight, and the tough has more weight.
And yes, 6 months into marriage, it still thrills me to hear him refer to me as his wife. it's good!
I'd never planned on living together before marriage, but I'll tell you, I'm really glad that we did. Having a year to iron out the details of how we wanted our household to work spread out the transitions, which I think lowered the stress overall. I can hardly imagine having to plan both a wedding and a move. BLEUCH! So, yeah, that's what I have to say about that! :)
I have wondered about this topic so much. I am so glad to read everyone's post's and hear that there is so much to look forward to after marriage, even if you are already living together.
Mrs. Turkey: Thank you for saying "The good has more weight, and the tough has more weight." This really spoke to me.
Having lived together for over six years before we got married, whilst our day to day routines and life haven't changed, there is definitely a difference to married life.
I think part of it is the sense of security and "permanance" that being married brings. I think I feel it alot because I resisted getting married for so long before I decided that's what I wanted. It's also being able to make plans for the rest of our lives, talk about having kids without being afraid. For me it was also about being happy with the choices I make and finally being ok with the direction my life was taking.
On the other hand one of my younger friends got married four years ago and her and her husband hadn't even slept together, let alone cohabitated and I have to say there was something really sweet about being there to see them starting their life together.
@septcabride: Your post really hit home with how I feel about DH and I since marriage. We lived together for over two years before the wedding and I was so sure things wouldn't change. And they didn't in some ways but did in other way. It took me a bit to put my finger on how they changed. But you're right about things MEANING more. We do relate to each other differently and there's a more permanent feeling about thigs. One of the bigger things that's changed is the way people act towards us. His parents especially seem to view us as more of a unit than they did before we were married. From the little things like we can finally sleep together on family vacations to me just feeling a little bit more apart of the family.
FI and I don't live together yet but we do spend quite a bit of time sleeping over at eachother's.
The one thing that changed just even after we got engaged was that our families suddenly became more accepting of us. They were more loving towards us. (Not that they were assholes before!) They found a bit of permanence and seriousness in our relationship and were able to accept its existence more than before. And I felt the same about his family too. My MIL only just started to feel more comfy around me and start talking to me more and more AFTER the engagement!
After we get married, I'd think it would only get more stronger. (Though not necessarily a good thing! 
)
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A recent thread spurred me to post this -- it's been on my mind for a while.
FI and I live together, and have been for a year and a half. I love living with him, but before we were together, I always said that I didn't want to live with a boyfriend/fiance before marriage. There was kind of a weird situation that led to me moving in with him, and it happened basically out of necessity. Now I feel sad that sharing a home together will no longer be a special thing that will be new to us after we're married.
I've considered finding my own place now that I can afford it, but in reality I know there's just no turning back. We'd be staying over at each others' places every night and it would be pointless. So, I've come to grips that this is the way it has to be, but I still can't help but feel like the only thing changing after the wedding will be my last name. :(
But I know there are people who would say from experience that there's more to it than that. So newlyweds who lived together, what changes, if any, did you experience after your wedding day?