Post # 1
A recent thread spurred me to post this — it’s been on my mind for a while.
FI and I live together, and have been for a year and a half. I love living with him, but before we were together, I always said that I didn’t want to live with a boyfriend/fiance before marriage. There was kind of a weird situation that led to me moving in with him, and it happened basically out of necessity. Now I feel sad that sharing a home together will no longer be a special thing that will be new to us after we’re married.
I’ve considered finding my own place now that I can afford it, but in reality I know there’s just no turning back. We’d be staying over at each others’ places every night and it would be pointless. So, I’ve come to grips that this is the way it has to be, but I still can’t help but feel like the only thing changing after the wedding will be my last name. 🙁
But I know there are people who would say from experience that there’s more to it than that. So newlyweds who lived together, what changes, if any, did you experience after your wedding day?
Post # 3
It is more than that. My husband and I owned a house together and had lived together for 5 years when we got married, so nothing really changed in terms of the nuts and bolts of our daily lives (running a household, paying bills, managing our social lives, etc.). BUT, marriage has a certain gravity that I have had a difficult time articulating. When you disagree, it means more. When you act on feelings of love, it means more. When you discuss your future, it means more. All of these things take on a certain weight when you get married – and it fills your lives and your home in a way it did not before. I found that we treated each other just a little bit differently, spoke about each other just a little bit differently, and started planning our future in a way that we had not before.
Post # 4
Thank you for sharing, that really speaks to me — I would like to think that our relationship will take on a much greater meaning to it once we are married. I actually quite like the way you articulated those thoughts! I feel like I can envision that type of change, and I think/hope I will *feel* differently as a wife. I am far from the “marriage is just a piece of paper” school of thought. It really is a deeply profound committment to me.
Post # 5
@littlemissmango: I used to feel the same way about living together, like coming back to your shared home after the wedding would be so anticlimactic. However, like you I am living with my fiance now. It just made sense for us and honestly I don’t think our relationship would be where it is now if we weren’t living together. It made us realize how perfect we were for each other. Spending 90% of your non-work time with something and not wanting to rip their hair out wasn’t something I ever thought was possible… but it is! Anyway, I don’t regret it but I definitely wonder if we will go back to the house after our wedding day and nothing will be any different.
Post # 6
@septcabride: YES – I agree with all of this
DH and I have been together for 5 years and have lived together for almost 4 of them. Our daily lives didnt really change but something else did and its hard to put my finger on it. Its just a sense of being more connected and really being a team. We feel closer than ever before. It stays the same, yet it changes.
Post # 7
@meginstl: That’s a good point. FI and I are very bonded and I’m closer with him than any other person I’ve ever known. I guess I have to admit that I honestly don’t know for certain that we would be this close at this point in our relationship, had we just gone the standard dating and visiting each other route. We actually went from meeting each other on a blind date (when he was visiting the city where I lived) to an LDR with him flying back to see me, straight into me moving over and us living together.
@PitBulLover: I’m glad you also feel that something significant changed for you. FI actually said something really sweet after we got engaged, he said how he knew that I wished we could have avoided living together and that I was worried nothing would change after we got married, but, “doesn’t it feel different even now, being engaged? I knew it would and I couldn’t wait for you to see that cause after we’re married I think that will feel even better too!” 🙂 It does feel like you said even at this stage — things stayed the same, yet they changed.
Post # 8
Something changed, but it’s hard to identify. We lived together in an apartment that we owned for two years before getting married, and always intended to be together forever, but there was just a new certainty that kind of came into play.
Also, there was some external factors that changed. I always had a feeling that both our families were somewhat cautious about us “giving up too much for someone you’re just living with” and a lot of that has gone away since we got married which has relieved some of the pressure that that caused. A lot came with our official engagment but really being married was like finally being taken really seriously.
I’d get the odd questions from my mom about why I’d agree to live in a city that’s so expensive for him and away from my family, and not the best working environment, and pay money toward a mortgage that’s not mine, and all the explaining in the world kind of fell on deaf ears. Somehow “because he’s my husband” is just the final word.
Post # 9
I love this post because it is something I have been worried about for a while! We have been living together for the bast two years and I have always been afraid that nothing would change after we were actually married.
Post # 10
Didn’t a couple of bees post on this recently? Here’s Mrs. Starfish on the subject.
Post # 11
This post was a great idea, I love hearing your answers. Even though you say its hard to explain, I can understand what you guys are getting at (even if I still have to experience it to completely understand) I’m interested to hear more answers!
Post # 12
Ah I’m not the only one! There’s just something about coming home to your husband that’s different than FI. But I agree, can’t quite put my finger on it but maybe I just “feel” more.
Post # 13
@littlemissmango: i had the same sentiments as you. didn’t want to live together before being married, but ended up doing it out of necessity, a year and 1 month before our wedding.
i had the same thoughts, that nothing would be different, but in all honesty. there IS a HUGE difference. not necessarily in the daily tasks or life’s schedule (which obviously won’t change much before or after a wedding). but the way we interact and speak to each other is on a whole different level. the endless support from our parents pre-wedding seems like its doubled, just because of the “official”ness of our marriage. everything has a more serious, in a good way, effect on our lives and each other. the intimacy and the comfort of knowing “this is forever” is a HUGE subconscious factor that is def noticeable post-wedding. 🙂
Post # 14
Another vote for something changes, but I can’t articulate it. We’re even more of a team now. Future conversations are more important than before. Not sure if any of this makes sense, but yes, things do change.
Post # 15
This is all so good to hear, thanks guys. 🙂
I’m glad you’ve been there, done that, MissJ and can still also vouch that there’s a change. It’s hard going back on something you thought you’d never do, but I think I’m starting to feel like the specialness of actually being married won’t be ruined, I guess that’s the fear I had. And I really am looking forward to everything being 100% “official.” I think that will make a big difference for me.
Post # 16
@septcabride: wow. Beautifully written. 🙂