- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
How was the transition of moving in with your H? Was it really exciting? Stressful? An adventure? Did it take you a while to get used to having him as your "new lifelong roommate"?
FI and I aren't living together before the wedding- partly because I've always wanted to have that whole REALLY starting a new life together, and partly because from everyone I have talked to (every.single.one) that does cohabitate before the wedding, they say it feels no different after the wedding because they have already been living together! That sounds awful. hahah
So, what it was it like for you?
As someone who lives with my fiance, and have since about 3 months after we started dating, I can't see how you couldn't live together before you get married and of course there are religious reasons that I understand. I can see how you want to have the "start a new life together" thing, but what if you find out you can't stand living together after you are married? R and I have found out SO MUCH about each other since we've lived together and it's been an excellent experience and brought us so close. After marriage we can look forward to continuing our travels and having kids right away because we won't have to get use to just being around each other!
Honestly I think it took SO much pressure off by living together before the wedding. I can't imagine dealing with wedding stress and having to get used to living with somebody at the same time! But I understand why people wait for religious reasons.
I'm not living with my SO before marriage. But I'm not doing it for religious reasons. They're still valid reasons and my relationship is just as good as anyone else's.
I'd like to hear from bees who moved in together after marriage as well. :)
Agree- our first year living together was a little rough, it's definitely gotten smoother since then (we've lived together about 2.5 yrs in total now). I'm glad that whole experience wasn't my "1st year of marriage"...
To each their own I guess. I don't hear people who did live together before marriage, and went on to marry, saying they regret the living together and wished they had delayed it till after the wedding.
We didn't live together before the wedding, not for religious reasons but just simply "because." I felt I didn't want to until we got engaged, and then when we got engaged, my sister had recently moved to Boston and was going to live with me and I figured I had my whole life to live with him! Haha. I also wanted that exciting feeling of moving in right around wedding time, just like you. I don't regret it one bit! That being said, we were together 5 years before we got married, so there haven't actually been any surprises living together. We'd already spent so much time staying over each other's places or going on trips together over 5 years so there wasn't really anything new to discover.
I think some things are different about being married, but thats another post, and I don't think the differences are related to living together but more just making the union official. I find living together a lot of fun. I didn't anticipate how much more I would look forward to just hanging out at home with the hubby! It makes it hard to want to go out sometimes, haha! Overall I'd say the transition was exciting and fun and not anything difficult at all. That being said, I can understand why people who live together pre-wedding can't imagine not, but I really think that I knew him well enough to marry him, so even if he had an annoying habit of leaving dishes in the sink or pressing snooze too many times, it wouldn't have changed my mind.
My fiance and I had a LDR for 1 1/2 year before I moved to the same state as him, we then dated 1 year before moving in together.
Honestly, our transition has been seamless, and I think part of that is because we took it slow. We got to know one another, we got to see what each other liked and didn't like before we lived together and we learned to appreciate what time we had together. And when we finally did move in together, we were not only excited but we were ready to settle and ready to compromise if it meant seeing each other every single day and sleeping together every night.
I think the transition from living apart to living together depends a lot on your personalities, having an understanding of each other's personalities and communication. I know that my fiance likes a clean kitchen, even though I never saw that before we lived together. Because of that, I know to immediately do my dishes right after dirtying them. We communicated about our pet peeves and our habits. Having conversations like that helps. And it'll make things easier.
Regardless of if you're married or not married, living together is definitely an adjustment and can be difficult. But, it is also wonderful.
Sorry, I hope my post didn't sound rude, I was just giving my opinion with my experience. I wasn't trying to put down people who decide not to live together before the marriage, I always just wondered what would happen if you found out you couldn't stand living with each other after you get married.
My FI doesn't 100% live with me. I'd say he lives here around 60% of the time--at least 2 nights a week and over the weekends. I have lived with him full time before, but I don't think there's anything wrong with not living with someone.
I DO think sleepovers are a good idea, even if you're not doing anything (even if he's sleeping on the couch!), because you want to see how he is for a full 24 hours and vice versa.
We didn't live together before the wedding, and it wasn't a tough transition at all. We used to sleep over each other's apartments every night anyway, and we used to live a 10 minute walk away from each other. I don't see why you would NEED to live with someone before you got married, since if you're compatible enough to decide to get married, you will probably be compatible enough to live together! At least I would think so...
I didn't live with my husband before the wedding. Some things have been tough, others not so hard. We just have to communicate a lot and talk about what's bothering us.
Nlmiele, I totally agree! I am also not living with my FH before the wedding for a bunch of reasons. Just like you, I'm really excited about the prospect of the "new life" and I don't want it to feel the same after the wedding, but also because I knew we might be in for the long haul and I wanted to have as much of my own life and independence in my 20's as possible. I am very excited to "set up house" with my fiance. We're both very opinonated about things, but I feel like the excitement and newness of being married may help us get over any disagreements we may have about where the handtowels are kept.
I really, really hope I feel like MonaLisa670. And like some of the other ladies, my FH and I sleep over all the time (our houses are 7 blocks apart) so I feel like there won't be any rude surprises.
I don't have any advice yet, since obviously I'm in the same boat, but all I've heard is communication has to be good. So I am signing us up for a hardcore couples counseling weekend and I'm hoping some conflict management techniques will help see us through?
I just can't wait to make dinner in our house and fall asleep in our bed! Tend our garden and end the work day with drinks on our porch! OMG, I'm excited!
I've enjoyed the transition. My husband didn't live with me until we were married and he only stayed over a handful of times before the wedding. It wasn't super hard but we did find that communication was important. We still need to unpack some of his stuff, but it's been a fairly smooth transition.
For me the hardest part has been that I suffer from insomnia and so I can't sit in bed and read until 3 a.m. because it keeps him awake. He's pretty understand, but he also works some stressful hours, so I find myself out in the living room a lot. Also, grocery shopping has become more interesting. We always try to get things that the other really likes and skip those that one of us dislikes. It's nice having somebody to help with chores too. I enjoy having him there to curl up with in bed when I am able to sleep. Hearing my husband wake up enough to ask how I am or tell me that he loves me is one of the most wonderful things ever. It's been fun listening to each others' tv shows and sharing books.
I'm glad we didn't live together before (religious reasons) because it has made our transition from single to married even more interesting. We've learned a lot about each other and about ourselves during this. Communication is really important though. We've learned that we both need alone time once in a while, and we both need to respect that. Hope this helps!
I live with my FH. I honestly do not think you truly know a persons mannerisms until you have lived with them. But to each his or her own.
DH moved in officially about 6 months after the wedding. It'd been years since we'd lived together (even then, only a summer) so it was nothing like that summer.
Living with him is cake. We're really respectful of our own spaces (he leaves me alone while i'm in the bathroom, courteous about dishes, etc) and sharing things like the tv and chores.
But, then again, after 5+ years in a LDR, we have really great communication skills. It was completely easy for us. There were no difficulties, no fights, no problems, etc. So I think it's safe to say not everybody goes through the "Rough patch" of living together, but I haven't really met many people who've had it as peacefully as us. My friend moved in with her FI and it was incredibly hard for them.
But the excitement of finally cohabiting does wear off. We're just blissfully peaceful about the whole thing.
My FI and I have been together for over 4.5 years and will have been together for 6 when we get married, and we won't have lived together for a minute of it. I have a personal conviction not to live with my FI before we're married, along with religious beliefs.
That's not to say that anyone who did/does lives with her FI is wrong. I respect your choice to do so. But in return, please respect our choices not to.
True, you learn a lot about someone living with them, I am sure. But I don't think the small mannerisms you discover when living with someone would negate a love that has been built over many years.
So all in all, I think both ways work. I have just chosen the same way you have, Nlmiele.
We didn't live together before we were married, but were together for 6 years before, so no real surprises.I will say the first few months were kind of stressful for me, but I think it was a combination of a few things, not just living together.
I lived with my sister for quite a few years before we were married, and before that I lived by myself. I really like having my own space, so it was just kind of frustrating having to move into his house where everything was his. Also, because my sister and I had lived together for so long, we had established our "roles" in our house. I think moving in with my husband and having to establish brand new roles was probably the main issue. While he didn't have to change what he did everyday very much, I had to completely remodel my living situation. It took about 3 months to feel "at home." and after that is has been no problem at all.
I really think I straddle both sides of this issue. I live with my FI, so obviously I have no qualms about moving in before marriage. But the idea that you can't really know someone until you live with them....I think that's inaccurate. My FI and I were together for 4 years before we moved in together, and we will have been living together for 2 years by the time we get married (in 99 days! woot!). There was nothing about living with him that surprised me when we moved in together. I knew when he went to bed and when he woke up, I knew his daily routine, I knew what he bought at the grocery store, and how he liked to organize the bathroom, I knew how he liked to fold his undershirts (differently than his tshirts for some reason I don't understand), I knew what TV shows he had to watch, and which TV shows of mine he'd rather skip, I knew how much time he needed to wind down at the end of the day, I knew how often he like to do laundry--and he knew all of these things about me. So while I'm obviously a fan of living with my FI before I marry him, I know it's not the right choice for everyone, and I think we need to be really careful of insinuating to those bees that are not living with their FIs that they may not know everything about their FIs that we know about ours. I think that's unfair and very likely untrue.
Well- Thank you everyone haha. I think our transition will be a very exciting adventure and the only possible argument I can forsee is me trying to take control over the entire kitchen and putting everything where I want it to go hahahha. I'm sure FI won't mind that much though.
I really feel like the whole "test the car before you drive it!!!!" thing is sort of, well, crap. You can ABSOLUTLY know everything there is to know about FI before living together. If you pay attention, obviously. FI spend so much time together and spend so many nights together that we both know how each other work. I know that I am going to have to teach him how to put his clothes away after he washes them, and I know I aa going to have to teach him how to clean the sinck out after he shaves. I'm ready for those things. Lucky for me though, he already rinses ALL of his dishes so there will be no problem there. I'm sure there are other tiny things that will come up, but I can't imagine them being any more than tiny, because we are already together so much, it's practically LIKE we are living together, in 2 seperate houses with all of our things slplit up.
:P
and ps- although I am spiritual and would identify with the Christian faith, there are no religious reasons for either of us, why we don't want to live together. We are going to start a new life once we get married- so, we are just waiting to actually START it at that time.
'Nuff said!
We aren't because of religious reasons. He gets to move in our house once it's built, and I'll be joining him after the wedding. I know it's going to be a HUGE change, but I am so giddy and excited. It is something I have been looking forward to my whole life.
We are similiar in a lot of ways and different in a lot of other ways. I don't think we'll drive each other crazy (well, maybe occasionally...) This should be interesting!
@Nlmiele You're welcome! I'm totally with you on that cleaning the sink out after he shaves thing....it's gross, and we're still working on it. He's getting better though! Though I have to say that other than that, he keeps an impeccably clean bathroom, and it was that fact, among others, that helped me know that I would spend the rest of my life with him. I hate cleaning the bathroom. ;)
Lambster and I didn't live together before we were married. I moved into the house after we were married and it involved an out of state move for me.
We've been married for a little over a month now and living together has been a great experience. The first two weeks, I just couldn't believe that I could stay and I didn't have to go home, because I already was home. I had a great sense of security. I've also been a little sad as I've mourned the loss of my old life back in VA. We've certainly fought, but it's been much smoother thatn I was anticipating. There's lots of fun stuff to learn about one another, but I already knew most of it before too (we dated for 5 years mostly long distance).
To the OP, I think that you'll experience all of the emotions you asked about! It's exciting, sometimes stressful, definitely an adventure, and the best part is that you get to experience it together! Are you moving into one of your places, or a new place all together?
We're getting a brand new place, I would never want to start a new life with FI in a place where his has already began. He agrees, thankfully. Hahahaha. It's very exciting looking at apartments and wondering, '"Could this be our new home!?!"
its all soooo weird. I love it.
Yup, we're house hunting right now... and while we'll buy before the wedding (maybe this week if the bank gets back to us! lol) and combine stuff... and he'll be there a lot... we're not going to "move in together." I'll be living there and he'll be staying at his sisters house.
252 days! lol
We did not live together before marriage (though I suppose he did technically move in at 3 weeks before our wedding) and the transition has been fabulous! I really enjoy coming home to my best friend and waiting until we were married (or close to being married) really did give us both the "marriage is different" feeling. I know other folks that have struggled, but I suppose the fact that we have been together nearly 6 years (3 years of dating, 2 years of engagment and approaching our 6 year dating anniversary in May) helped because there were no surprises! That and he does travel about 6 days a month, so I miss him while he is gone and am excited to see him when he returns (tonight-yeah!); I suppose that could contribute to the excitement of living together vs. either of us getting tired of one another's bad habits...
i live with my fi. i'm really glad we moved in together before we got married... we had a really rough first few weeks! we came very close to breaking up, but luckily talked through it and we're fine now. it would have scared the crap out of me if we were newly weds though.
My fiance and I have been dating for 7 years and have never lived together. We were in college and then did long distance for a couple years in there but now live in the same apartment complex, just on opposite sides! It wasn't for religious reasons and at first it was for my parents who really disagreed with cohabitating before marriage. But as the time has gone by, I'm SO glad we've never moved in together (parents can be really right, hah)! We haven't waited for anything else (wink wink), so I feel like this is something that will really make our union complete for me and give me that bit of traditionality I'm craving. My best friend did the same thing (but for religious reasons) and absolutely loves living with her new husband. So I'm super excited!!
We didn't live together before the wedding. :) I was in graduate school and had my own campus apartment, and he lived with a roommate. We got married right after my graduation - and I moved in then. We were just fine and actually moved citiies soon after into a new place that was new to both of us.
I think there are lots of situations where "living together" before is a neccessity, but for us it was actually a much better step. We had no options in accepting our living habits -- we were married! :) I think it really depends a lot on the length of your relationship as well... and where you are in life... and heck, if you can even break a 1-year lease at any time!
We lived together before the wedding. I would say that it still felt "different" after the wedding - not the next day or even the following week, but maybe a month after the wedding. Kind of hard to explain, but we just felt closer to each other, more like a family.
We didn't live together before the wedding, though I did stay over at his place about 3 nights a week, sometimes more. The transition hasn't been too difficult, I don't think, at least for me. It's harder for him because he's a person who needs a lot of alone time. When he had a roommate, it was easy for him to go into his room, shut the door and just take a break from the world. It's not so simple now!
But we're working things out together. It helps that we rarely fight and that he finds me WAY less annoying than his old roommate. ;)
We didn't live together before the wedding and it's been so fun to create home, be newlyweds and come home to each other at the end of the day. Of course there have been some conflicts over getting used to each other's habits, designating various chores but nothing major and it's more about communicating. We are perfectly happy with how we did it and it's been kind of exciting. Although I know others have different situations and experiences.
Probably the biggest issue was neither of us had very much furniture etc. as we were previously each renting rooms so it' been slowly accumulating all the major pieces and now we are saving for all the fun decor.
I think the idea that you can know everything about a person and know whether you will be good together by living with one another is a fallacy. Just look at how many couples get divorced after living together for years. I'm not saying "cohabitation = divorce" at all, but what I am saying is that cohabitiation does not necessarily equal a successful marraige or a more secure relationship. There are a lot of ways that couples can grow together and learn more about each other. As EJS mentioned, long distance relationships can really cement commitment and communication skills. Doesn't mean that if you don't experience long distance, you aren't ready for marraige. Like others have said, its good for some, and its not for others, but I don't think its right to suggest that without living together, you don't know the person you are marrying well enough to marry them. Tell that to people of generations past who never had one sleepover and had successful marraiges!
I also think, just paying devil's advocate, that coming into marriage thinking you know everything there is to know about sharing a life with your spouse because you lived together can set up people up for big surprises. Marriage changes things, as well it should. And you will probably NEVER know everything there is to know about your spouse. For me, I know enough to know that he will love me and try his best to be a good partner to me. Because of that, because of my commitment to him and trust in him, I'm okay with the surprises that will come when we move in together. Those mundane issues, as challenging as they can be (I know, I've had some bad roommates!), would never be enough to make me go back on my promises to him.
We didn't live together before we got married (we also didn't sleep over) and for us it was definitely because of religious beliefs.
The transition has been pretty easy for us though, we knew each other for 8 years before we got married, so there weren't really any surprises for us.
It's been great.
As someone who does live with her FI before marriage, I can honestly tell you I feel like it was no big change for us. Like you, we spent many nights together before moving in, had gone on vacations together, etc. I knew what to expect - the little things were just pleasant surprises. I think that the whole stereotype of "not knowing what you're getting into" has more to do with the couples that date reallllllly conservatively - like an LDS couple we know who didn't spend any time together privately before getting married, just in public places and with family. At that point, I think it'd be hard to know the idiosyncrasies of your SO, but most relationships aren't like that anymore.
Personally, I never lived with a man before and we never lived with each other; I am happy that was the case, it makes marriage so much more special; I started a thread about what was different after you got married, many people who lived with their partners said nothing different; it's a little sad in a way and kind of spoils the excitement of married life when you have lived with each other before; everything is fresh and new. Sure we had to deal with a few differences, but it's so nice to know have a husband you can be with every night instead of sometimes yes sometimes no. It's so great to do things together for the first time. We were long distance our whole relationship so it made it that more special.
We have had so many milestones
Spending Christmas together, shopping for groceries the first time together, choosing a place to live and sign a lease together for the first time, getting joint bank accounts and signing together it reminded me of when we got married; getting all our utilities under the same name, spending Valentine's together; having him drop me off when I need a lift to places; having my husband come with me to the doctors; closing our apartment and walking out the door together, going to church together; having meals and cooking for us; we dont date as much as we used to, it's different now, but it's so much nicer having that companionship you never had, having someone there for you. When I saw our names on the utilities, it seemed like a milestone, I have never been a Mrs before so it is really thrilling. Even the simple thing of joining our bank accounts hits home like wow we are truly one. Seeing his huge wedding band makes me smile to no end. I feel like I am not alone anymore and wonder how I existed before marriage, at first i was wonder if it would cramp my style, but it so nice having someone with you every single night.
When you live with each other you do not appreciate the new joys that marriage and becoming one brings to your life, I think- because nothing has changed except yoru name and maybe finances. That's just my personal opinion.
We still are adjusting to life together but it's simply great to be married. Some other things I had to adjust to was having in-laws; in the States, I see my family maybe once a year if I am lucky because we are scattered; I moved ot England 2 months ago since my hubby is British, my hubby is in contact with all members of his family once a week! I find that strange but he has lessened it, I think it has to do with the geography, people dont move faraway not much surface area. They celebrate holidays differently, lots of different things to get used to. But believe me I would rather be married than engaged or boyfriend- girlfriend, it feels so much more secure, i feel so much more enriched in my life now. I asked my husband what was the best thing about marriage--he said being with you--aw that sums it up!!!you dont appreciate that simple change when you lived with someone before sadly enough.
We never even slept over at each other's houses before we got married! Sounds crazy, but true. We were avoiding temptation since we wanted to wait to have sex until after we were married. However, contrary to what many fear...we have transitioned quite easily with virtually no surprises EXCEPT:
He eats and sleeps a lot (thru the night) more than expected. He also has a lot of energy--no naps--during the day and here's the ONE irritation--he is such a light sleeper, I have to coax him into cuddling if we are not having an especially romantic (read: intimate) night. The reason why is he doesn't want to wake up if I move while cuddling b/c he can't get back to sleep well and..his "arm hurts" when I cuddle up on him. Apparently he needs more space to stretch out his long arms. Sooooooo we just invested in a brand new king size bed next week because I am not going to be cuddle-deprived for the rest of my life. This girl likes to be held! :) Especially b/c I'm so brrrrrrrr at night and he's like a toaster. :D
haha at 808bride, i agree, when we finally settle down we are definitely getting a king sized bed, my hubby is 6 foot 3 and his feet go over the mattress, every movement he makes wakes me up I can tell if he moved a lot if i dont wake up rested.
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| Lyndzo | 52 |
| This Time Round | 46 |
| Brielle | 43 |
| Future Mrs K | 42 |
| ndreighton | 39 |
| mypinkshoes | 34 |
| his chippymunk | 34 |
| Cady | 32 |
| fivemonthsnotice | 32 |
| TheLionQueen | 31 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| jadefrog154 | 2 |
| forget-me-not | 2 |
| Wonderstruck | 1 |
| JulesSchnooks | 1 |
| Future Mrs K | 1 |
| stephanie091512 | 1 |
