Nice way to ask for parents help?

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

There isn’t. Let her offer, and if she doesn’t, that’s your answer.

Post # 3
4483 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Well, there isn’t a nice, direct way. Maybe casually mention that you’re finalizing the guest list and budget and see if they jump in and offer. If not, assume they are not contributing and plan accordingly.

Post # 4
8720 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

There isn’t. On the other hand it’s YOUR parents so only you really know how to approach them.

Post # 5
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Sfcali:  Honestly, I would just sit them down and ask what their wishes/expectations are for the wedding.  I would not mention financing it, or the fact that you feel your parents have done more for your sister, etc (not that you would).

I tihnk in opening a conversation like that, you will quickly get the answers you are looking for.  I know my DH and I did it that way, and his parents were very non-chalant, ‘do what you want’ about the planning.  They never offered to help us financially throughout the process, which was fine.  My father, when I asked the same question, gave us a check on the spot.  It was not a ton of money, but it was super awesome, and he said ‘do with it as we wish, as long as a portion paid for my wedding gown’.  Perfect!!

If your parents reply that they want a really formal, expensive affair with all their loved ones there (hypothetically speaking) without offering to help, then be honest with them regarding YOUR budget, and tell them that with the money you have saved, the guest list would be very limited, and (perhaps) the venue more economical.  Either then they will offer to help, or tell you that is fine.

FWIW, I was surprised that his parents did not offer to help financially – with anything, but I was not offended, and after the fact was pretty proud that my DH and I did it with our savings, within our budget, and the way we wanted, no questions asked.  I think it saved us a ton of headaches 🙂


Post # 6
151 posts
Blushing bee

Sfcali: “Please no comments about how rude it is to ask. That’s why I’m asking if there’s any nice way to ask. “


<br />It sounds like you know the answer but you want people to tell you it’s okay for some reason.  It’s not.  Asking people to buy you things is always rude, even if the people are your parents and the thing is your wedding.  If she wants to contribute, she will offer.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  junkbee.
Post # 7
11598 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Nope, there isn’t a nice way to do this.  Sorry. I wish there were. 

Post # 8
5187 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

There isn’t any.  Have the wedding you can afford and if your mother offers to help, it’s a bonus.

Post # 9
4638 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

No rude comments about how rude it is to ask? But IT IS rude to ask.. Pointing that out is the truth.

There is no nice way to ask your parents for money for your wedding, when you’re a grown up and presumably earn your own living.

Post # 10
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - The Fairmont, SF

Sfcali:  I’m not sure there is a “nice” way (by the way, you sound like a lovely person! Most people seem to expect money from their parents) but you could be honest with them about what you’re hoping to do and see what they say. For instance, my SO and I are in the process of booking vendors, venues, etc. and we realized that our dream venue is going to run us about $20K! Yikes! I have a really good relationship with my mom and asked her if she’d be able to contribute anything at all but also explained that I’d understand if she couldn’t afford to. I told her directly that the only reason that I was asking was because we needed to know if we’d be able to afford the venue, which we will be able to with some assistance from both of our parents.

I don’t think she found it rude – in fact, she said that she also planned on buying my dress and paying for hair, make-up, and so on. She also told me that she’d have trouble paying for more than what she was contributing and I was over the moon that she was being so generous at all. I think honesty is helpful in both directions. 

Post # 11
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I didn’t ask. We made plans that we can afford on our own. My mom just recently offered to buy me a dress and have food and cake at her house for us. We’re just going to the JoP and picked a cruise over a family dinner. If she hadn’t offered, that would have been it. FI’s parents did not offer anything. I’m glad my mom is able to host a small gathering for us. Picking out some simple decorations and getting lingerie and a dress have finally made me feel like a bride.

Post # 14
1229 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012 - Chateau Briand

For instance she bought me the cheapest thing on my registry for my bridal shower but bought my sister $200 shoes to wear to my shower.” I think this example alone makes it pretty obvious she’s not going to help you financially. If she would get you the cheapest item she could find for your shower, even knowing people are likely to talk I HIGHLY doubt she is wanting to contribute to your wedding. 

That being said, in my personal experience, I explained to my father the kind of wedding we were planning on having (no whining or moping, just very matter of fact) and when he asked why not xyz, I just explained it was what we could afford and that’s when he offered to help. Good luck in your wedding planning OP.

Post # 15
2878 posts
Sugar bee

I didn’t expect my parents to help with my wedding and I didn’t ask them to. Whenever we’ve talked about our plans, neither our parents offered to help. I know my fiancé’s father paid the caterer at his daughter’s wedding, but that’s because she asked him to help her. That being said, at that time, my fiancé was still living at his parent’s (at almost 30) and he didn’t have to pay for anything. In a way, he did receive financial help all those years. My fiancé doesn’t want to ask his father for money, and neither do I. I wouldn’t say we think it’s ”rude” because I think when you are close to your parents, it’s not as much as a taboo (my parents and I do talk about money, incomes, savings and debts openly). However, we both think if we’re old enough and independant enough to decide to get married, then we’re also old enough and independant enough to make decisions on our budget and plan our wedding according to it. If there’s help along the way, that’s nice. If not, we’re planning according to what we feel is a comfortable amount to us (and in our case, it’s quite low). 

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