Post # 1
FI has seven nieces and nephews, and so we knew from the get-go we wouldn’t be able to include all of them in addition to my three young siblings (12, 5, 3). We are having two ring bearers and two flower girls (one set is my youngest siblings, one set is his niece and nephew). Also, we asked his 12 year old nephew to carry up the broom that we’ll be jumping. My 12 year old brother is doing a reading in the ceremony.
After it was clear that his two 10 and 11 year old nieces really wanted to be included, we made the role of “hostess” for them – they will pass out programs and man the gift table at the entrance to the ceremony.
Of course, by doing that, we’ve opened a can of worms, I guess. One of our niece-hostesses Facebook chats me today (yes, 11 year old are on Facebook) and asks, “What is [my little brother] doing in the wedding?”
Uhm. The answer is nothing. He’s 6 and hyperactive and would have to be supervised to do pretty much anything. Same goes for his cousin who also doesn’t have a role.
I had to think on my feet so I said, “hey girl! I don’t think [cousin] and [little brother] are going to have a specific job because they are little boys and it wouldn’t be much fun for them! you and Andi will do a great job as hostesses because you’re older and girls : all the cousins will have special flowers though!”
Her reply was: “Oh ok”. Then I asked her if she was getting excited about the wedding and she got offline Trying not to read too much into that as people, especially kids, hop off Facebook all the time without saying goodbye.
I really don’t want to create roles for two little boys when we already have EIGHT children involved in the wedding ceremony somehow. Is it unfair? I just thought that everyone understood there isn’t a suitable role for everyone.
Post # 3
I think 8 is more than enough kids in the wedding. I wouldn’t take it personally, I have a lot of friends who sign off of Facebook without saying goodbye and it drives me nuts!
Post # 4
Wow you guys do have a lot of little ones, the pictures are going to come out so cute! I only have 7 and I thought that was alot.
Are they invited to the wedding? Is there anything little they might be able to do like hand out bubbles or programs.
I still remember when we were younger and my cousin got married and everyone was in the wedding except my brother. And my friend just had a wedding and had two of her little cousins in the wedding and not a third since she didn’t want three flower girls and the little girl was so crushed it was heartbreaking.
Post # 5
@roxy821, I feel really bad hurting their feelings, but I honestly thought that 6 year old boys wouldn’t care. Maybe I’m wrong? My impression is that our niece is disappointed on behalf of her brother, but we could be wrong.
They are definitely invited to the wedding! They will have boutonnieres, too, which I hope will make them feel special. The girls are already handing out programs and we aren’t having bubbles or any kind of send off. To be honest, they are kind of wild and I wouldn’t trust them with a “job” without supervision.
I also feel like since its two little boys, not just one, and they are the same age, its not singling one kid out. But maybe I am in the wrong on this one and should find a way to include them. I just really think its unrealistic to include TEN children in a wedding ceremony!
Post # 6
I have my goddaughter and 2 nieces as flowergirls. My nephew/godson (the older brother of 2 nieces) is really too old to be a ring bearer (he’s 9) and is a bit of a wild card (he was my cousin’s ring bearer and yelled “Ewwww!” really loud during the part in the ceremony when the bride + groom kissed).
It’s a bit challenging to find a role for him that he’s not too young/too old/too smart-alecky to perform. But he is my nephew and my godson, so it’s a shame to leave him out altogether. I’ll probably have him passing out programs.
Can you try to find out if your nephew really wants to be involved? If it’s important to him, perhaps it would be worth it to find some small task he can do. Can he be a “junior usher” (supervised by grown-up usher)? Hand out something at the ceremony (bottled water, bubbles, etc.)? Help decorate or arrange chairs? (Heck, harness up that energy…he might be useful 😉
Post # 7
@jadeblue: I don’t really want the two nephews that don’t have roles to have “jobs” like passing something out or decorating, as I think they’d have to be supervised. However, “junior usher” is a good idea. We are having ushers separate from the groomsmen so the groomsmen can hang out with FI and not have to seat guests, so we may just list the boys as “junior ushers” in the program, with no pressure for them to actually perform the role.
Post # 8
I think including 8 children is more than enough and very sweet of you to include them. But it’s not an obligation to include every child in your family. I think that until the parents start complaining about their kids not having a role, I wouldn’t be too concerned about the 11 year old’s reaction. When I was 6 my main priority was snack time.
Post # 9
Thanks, SugarSweetPink. My concern is my FMIL who of course thinks all of her grandchildren hung the moon – its one of her wonderful aspects! I don’t want her to feel like we are slighting anyone, it is just impossible to include all the kids. It’s not that we don’t want to but that there aren’t appropriate roles for them.
Post # 10
Since they are invited and you even ordered boutineere then they should feel included! I think that’s great!
Post # 11
No WAY do you have to include them. And as someone who works with youth, eleven year olds are NOT indirect like adults. She was probably genuinely curious, not trying to suggest you needed to find a role for him.
Post # 12
My best friend has three children. When her sister got married last year, she asked her niece and one of her nephews to be in the wedding (The groom’s niece and nephew were also in the wedding.) My best friend and her husband were also in the wedding party. I was responsible for the 7 year old who was not in the wedding party. I was extremely upset for him about the whole scenario. As I began planning my wedding, I wanted him and his brother to be junior ushers. But he told me that since he didn’t get to be a ringbearer in his aunt’s wedding, he wanted to be one in mine. So, even though he didn’t say anything at his aunt’s wedding, I know he felt left out. In my opinion, the bride should have asked both of her nephews. What is the upside of leaving one out? (Or in this case two, when 8 are included) Just wanted to point out this side of it.
Post # 13
I think you’ve already gone above & beyond to include a TON of kids!! If it truly becomes an issue, maybe you could have the boys man the programs? It would basically just constitute them standing by the door. really though, I wouldn’t read into it. You made a very valid point that girls would be MUCH more excited to be involved than little boys!
Post # 14
I feel like if you have 8, you may as well have 10. That being said, I really think Jr. uUsher is the perfect title and you can have them (one on each side) escort their Grandma down the aisle to her seat. If FI is already planning to seat his mom before going to the top of the aisle, find another older relative they can be in charge of “escorting” to her seat so they have a role and an assigned task. I was the 6 year old nice who was not a flower girl in her aunt’S wedding (no kids were involved) and still remember feeling left out so I would go for including 10 if you have 8.
Post # 15
@twalila: I’m not sure that it is an issue from this one exchange. As much as I love all our nieces and nephews, when you have that many I just think it is a lot to ask to include them all. And again, its not just one little boy left out, and the other little boy not in the wedding is his age, so I think that makes it more okay. Since we’re having an outdoor wedding, I worry about them manning the programs appropriately – too much open space to run around and too many cool things to look at!
@slicey19: Having the boys escort their grandma is a really good idea! We weren’t having escorts but this is a really good way to make them feel special. I can also have my 12 year old brother escort my mom, so both mothers are escorted. Great idea!
Post # 16
hiya – we aren’t having flower girls or anything – so the 3 kids at the actual ceremony (2 hyper boys and a very shy girl) are going to be giving out the 4 or 5 disposable cameras that we have for the reception.
just to make them feel involved!!