Post # 1
Hello all!! I just got engaged to a fantastic man and I’m STILL in shock. 🙂 We have been together for 10 months. I’ve never spent a moment in my life imagining being married, but now I have to head down that road. I know it will be a fun process, but I’m still terrified.
A little history: I’m Nigerian American (my Mom was born in Nigeria) and my dad is Nigerian but born here as well. Anyway, my Mother is very traditional and my father is gone. It took a long time for me to be proud of who I am because I never fit in. But now, I actually love myself. I love my dark skin, my gap, my hair, my cheekbones, my culture, etc.
To mix it all up, my Fiance is a handsome white male. He’s older and wonderful and so kind. Anyway, when he proposed, he didn’t ask my Mother for her blessings because he was so excited and I had never told him that it was a requirement because I didn’t think I’d ever have to worry about that. Long story short, my Mom was not impressed and would prefer him to ask for her blessings in person. I completely get it and I understand, but this is all so new, exciting and interesting to me.
At this point, I have no idea what to do. I really want to be happy. I want my Mom happy and I want my Fiance to be happy. Any suggestions as to what my next step is? He and I are headed to Moms house in two weeks so he can formally ask and finally feel welcome.
Any advice will be truly appreciated! Thanks all!
Post # 3
Congratulations on your engagement!!!! 😀
It sounds like you and your Fiance doing exactly the right thing. Hopefully your mom will realize that it’s not his fault that he didn’t know she would expect that, and once he does ask, she will happily give it.
Post # 4
@Juju_Bee: maybe you should just explain to your fi about the cultural importance of speaking with your mother. Tell him how happy you are and it would be even more amazing if he did that. Congrats on your engagement! I am sure it will all work out.
Post # 5
Ha ha, I don’t know about requirements! There are a few of us here. Unfortunately, we all got married last year and are not as prominent on the boards as we were in 2010/2011. Here are some threads to tide you over though: here’s one. About your issue, just let him be respectful and to apologize to your mum. Our elders are all about the apology and RESPECT above all. So he should apologize very well. If you mum is Yoruba, he should even try and do the traditional Yoruba greeting to her. She will love it. Also explain the differences in culture too. I’m surprised though, how long has your mum been in the States? Sometimes our parents just have to move with the times. My Darling Husband is also Nigerian, I don’t think he talked to my mum first. At least, not that I know of
Post # 6
Congratulations on your engagement.I live in Sacramento too.I think he should apologize to your mom (too make her happy) and then ask for her blessing.Hopefully that will be acceptable to her.Good luck!
Post # 7
First of all, CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR ENGAGEMENT!
I totally understand your issue. I think that it is important for your Fiance to get your mother’s blessing first and if it is as equally important to you, I would suggest this to your Fiance. I think that this is a traditional thing to do and I believe that he would understand being that it is. This will allow the beginning stages of your engagement to run smoothly. Im sure family is important to you and it just a simple gesture so that your mother will feel appreciated.
Post # 8
My Fiance is Nigerian and I’m American. It was really important to his family that they did the cultural “door knocking”. It was very special that he along with his family came to my home and formally asked for my hand in marriage.
They brought a gift basket for my mom and she loved the whole experience. It isn’t too late, he can still show his respect for your culture. I’m learning so much and the wedding is considered as much for the mother of the bride as it is the for the bride.
Post # 9
I’m all out Nigerian (born and raised), so is my Darling Husband. And to be honest, I’m not sure if it is all about culture as much as it is about respecting the parents, and its not just a Nigerian thing. Even Caucasian parents – Especially the dads still expect the guys to officially ask for their daughter’s hands in marriage.
In my opinion, your mum probably feels leftout and disrespected. Explain it to your Fiance….Maybe you should both take mum out for dinner and apologize.
Your Fiance really did not know, and i’m sure your mum knows that, she really just wants that recognition and acknowledgment.
Post # 10
You got some really good feedback here! And I agree with most of the previous posters!
I think it would be really sweet if he could get some people from his family to maybe come with him if it all possible, and bring a gift basket with just some fruit, candy, and wine or sparkling cider or something. I’m sure your Mom would appreciate the gesture and when she sees the love you guys have she wont have a choice but to be accepting! Make sure you come back and let us know how it goes, lol!
Post # 11
My husband is Caucasian too. Before we went to Nigeria for the traditional, I (crafty I am!) bought two bottles of very good whiskey (dad doesn’t drink but tradition oh) and had Fiance send it to my dad. When the person got home, Fiance called and spoke to dad introducing himself and bla bla so we laid the foundations – then went home a few months later for the traditional do.
Just like others have said, I would suggest he calls your mum to say hello then arrange a date to go visit if she lives locally. He can go with a close male friend if no relatives. All will go well believe me…Every 9ja mother looks foward to the day he daughter gets married.
Post # 12
My Fi is Caucasian and Im half Nigerian. 🙂 the wedding is in about 20day!!! Sooo excited and all of our family is flying in, so the traditional nigerina engagement party will be the night before the wedding. I will also wear a nigerian outfit at the engagment party and the reception. 🙂 Cant want!
Hugs Bees 🙂