- 3 years ago
- Wedding: July 2012
The past month or so with the in-laws have been nothing short of horrific. At the end of November, I had a miscarriage, and their response was frigging awful. You can read more about it here, if it’s at all helpful to the backstory http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/furious-at-in-laws#axzz2or68oRet
Long story short, we had the miscarriage on the Thursday night, home from hospital on the Friday, in-laws visited on the Saturday and (quite proudly) told us that they had told everyone in the family about the miscarriage (they were aware that they had BIL were the only ones who knew we were pregnant).
We had planned to visit DH’s family on the Sunday, but given we had just had a miscarriage (and we furious everyone knew about it), we chose to stay home.
When they heared we were staying home, MIL called DH and went on about how ungrateful he was and how the family were all offended that we weren’t visiting and believed that DH and I didn’t want to see them (remember, they all knew we had had a fucking miscarriage).
Anyway, we visited the following weekend – I didn’t want to see MIL and FIL after the previous weekend, but DH’s aunt and uncle were visiting from overseas, so we wanted to see them before they returned to Europe. MIL told me that everyone was upset that we hadn’t visited last weekend (cue emotional blackmail, etc.). I reminded her that everyone knew about the miscarriage therefore we hadn’t wanted to face all the tears and misery (DH’s extended family are emotional people at the best of times). Also, if they knew about the miscarriage, I would think they would not be emotionally stunted enough to understand that we needed time to ourselves.
Another point of frustration – since the miscarriage, whenever I speak to MIL or FIL, they make a point of asking me repeatedly if I’m okay and need to talk about it. This would be okay if a) they only asked once rather than multiple times in a single phone call or, b) they hadn’t proven themselves to be make every emotional situation about how amazing and caring they are and how much we suck as “children.”
This is the first year we’ve started alternating Christmases and Easters, so we were expecting some issues (Christmas is with my parents). FIL and MIL kept asking us our Christmas plans even when we had repeatedly told them Christmas would be with my family (2 hours from the in-laws, so we had no intention of splitting the holiday – did that last year and it’s just exhausting).
The weekend before Christmas we visited the in-laws to celebrate the Christmas season with them. Now, DH was an idiot here – he just told them that we would be down to see them that weekend – they expected us on the Saturday and we arrived Friday evening. FIL greeted us with some choice swear words and basically saying “We told everyone (i.e. random friends of FIL) that you were coming Saturday, so you have to stay Saturday night because they need to see you.” MIL also greeted us with the same spiel. Keep in mind none of this was said in a pleasant manner. All of it was yelling, swear words thrown in, and insults towards DH. I’m not proud of DH’s response, because he snapped back at them and told his mum to “Shut the fuck up.” In his defence, they were rude and insulting right off the bat, and he apologised for swearing later (after I had some serious words with him).
Following that, I tried changing the subject anything but the friends coming over Saturday night. MIL and FIL turned the subject to some major emotional shit about us not visiting for Christmas. FIL told us he usually loved this time of year, but it had been ruined this year by people who didn’t understand the meaning of “family and being together.” I countered that with a cheerful “While I’m sorry we’re not here, I’m excited to be with my family for Christmas for the first time in four years!” (I was a shift worker for 4 years). FIL also told us that it was our fault he was working Christmas day: “I would have taken the day off, but it hardly seems worth it without you being here.” MIL took great pains to show us that she had put up the Christmas tree “But I didn’t have the heart for it this year. I nearly cried putting up all the ornaments because there’s no point to Christmas without all the family here.” The whole time we were there, they wanted us spending every minute with them (even when we tried to visit extended family) and pouted even if we were just sitting the next room taking a break from all the emotional guilt trips they were laying on us.
I’m so exhausted, and still so fucking angry about everything that’s happened with them over the past month! I dread going to see them in the future, I dread having children with them thinking it’s appropriate to swear at and insult DH, and I dread next Christmas. I honestly don’t think they “deserve” our time at special times of the year – I know we’ll still do it, because DH and I agreed we’ll alternate holidays until we have children, and we don’t want to give them any ammo to think they’re being treated unfairly.