(Closed) Nightmare in laws :(

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
46240 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@blackwhiteandredbride:  It can be frustrating dealing with family.

I see no reason for the men to have to wear the same tux as the wedding party.

They should however,wear something with the same degree of formality.

Post # 4
4804 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

 I agreewith PP that they shouldn’t have to wear the tuxes.  They should be wearing something formal though.  The other complaints they have had don’t seem reasonable though.

Post # 5
553 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Maybe they just can’t afford the tuxes. I don’t think they have to match either. A nice suit can look just as good.

Post # 6
2642 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@blackwhiteandredbride:  maybe comparing your Future Mother-In-Law buying furniture (neccissary) to a tux is a bit unfair.

But that being said, I think your FIL’s have no right to force on your guest and a certain floral budget. (hahah if your Future Mother-In-Law wants a to cut on floral you could tell you you will cut her guest list instead to save the same amount of money) 😉

Post # 7
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I know how frustrating it is when they just pick at the tiny, insignificant things and turn them into a big deal! My in-laws threw a fit when we got the invitations printed because 1. they didn’t see the invitations before we delivered them (they wanted to make sure the design was okay) and, 2. they insisted on us hand-delivering invitations (to the extent that Future Father-In-Law was yelling and swearing at my then fiance when he said there may not be time to hand-deliver every invitation).

Future Mother-In-Law was also freaking out at me wearing a strapless dress – she had never seen a member of the family wearing a wedding dress without sleeves or straps, so she couldn’t understand me liking a strapless dress.

They carried on about loads of other things, but these were probably the smallest and, every time, we just couldn’t understand why they had to make such big deal out of how the invitations were delivered, or whether I had a strip of material on my shoulders!

For most things (like hand-delivering invitations), we just said “If we can, we’ll try and do that, but if it doesn’t work, we’ll figure something out.” If it was something we were dead against (me in a strapless dress, location of the wedding, food served, etc.) we would just be really enthusiastic about our own plans “We’re really excited for the venue/food/dress we’ve got! Hopefully you’ll enjoy it too!” If we didn’t want to discuss it at all, we just used a vague “We’ve got it sorted, don’t worry about it.”

Having said that, I don’t think you should “force” your fiance’s father and brother to rent specific tuxes. No one will really notice if they don’t match perfectly (think about it; you’re really only gonna get photos with your bridal party, then a handful of photos with the in-laws). Even if you’ve gone out of your way to find them nice suits with a coupon, you still can’t force them to shell out the money for them. Just shrug it off and leave it.

As for what the sisters wear – again, you technically can’t control it. You can make strong suggestions, but they’re capable of dressing themselves, and it’s really not a battle worth fighting. Sure, they might look completely out of place, but that’s your problem!

The most important thing is to pick your battles – is this really worth fighting over, or is it just causing you extra stress to pick a style of tux or dress for them to wear? With something like the budget – don’t even discuss the financial aspect of the wedding with them unless they’re contributing. My in-laws only knew the cost of the photographer because they paid for it, and they put in some money for the alcohol. As far as everything else went, our finances and wedding costs were on a “need to know” basis.

Post # 8
1797 posts
Buzzing bee

There is no reason for the Future Father-In-Law and Future Brother-In-Law to be mandated to wear these tuxes, unless Future Brother-In-Law is a groomsman.  You don’t get to pick what the parents wear, and if Future Brother-In-Law is not in the wedding, you don’t get to dress him either.

Post # 9
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@blackwhiteandredbride:  You’re being unreasonable.  Parents don’t have to match the bridal party.  If Father-In-Law and BIL are NOT in the wedding party, they don’t have to wear the tuxes.  That’s it.  I’d be really upset if someone wanted to mandate my attire for a wedding AS A GUEST. 

And comparing how much your ILs spent on furniture to this… really unfair.  It’s their money, so don’t count it.  Unless I’m in the bridal party – no one tells me how to spend my money.  You have to realize how rude that is???

It sounds like your Mother-In-Law is being pushy too regarding the SILs not being in the wedding, the flower budget, etc.  Those are reasonable gripes you have, but it sounds like those issues have been straightened out?

There are going to be a whole host of issues to come your way as a married couple.  This is not a hill to die on.  Pick your battles.

Post # 10
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Furniture lasts a heck of a lot longer than a one day tux rental, and there is really no reason that people not in the wedding party need to be wearing those tuxes. Ease up. It sucks that your Future Mother-In-Law is judging your budget – believe me, I’ve been there and it drove me freaking nuts, she never commented on how nice or pretty anything was, she would just say how we probably spent a bunch and she would never spend that much on flowers/a dress/whatever. But you kind of lose your right to complain about her judging your wedding budget when you turn right around and judge how much her new furniture cost.

Post # 11
1589 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

My parents don’t have a lot of money and what they do have should go to their debt, not my wedding. I would be so upset if my fiance judged them for it.

Fiance and I are paying for the wedding and including my big family and his moms list of coworkers who are like family. Your parents offered to pay- his moms guests should be included if he knows them.

As for the tuxes, I’d leave that up to Fiance.

Post # 12
5758 posts
Bee Keeper

Sorry, but if you consider these little things to be nightmares, you have pretty unrealistic views of how horrible things could actually be.

Enjoy your planning and wedding, as nothing you’ve mentioned is really worth being stressed or upset about.

Post # 14
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@blackwhiteandredbride:  My husband’s cousins were ushers in the wedding and wore suits they already had.  One was black and one was blue.  I didn’t bat an eye.  It’s really not a big deal at all. 

I guess the real issue is that if we would have tried to be mindful of their  financial situation and not asked them to get the tuxehand just looks them they  could wear suits they already have, they would have felt left out.

But did they *actually* communicate that to you?  Did they ask you “What should we wear?” Or are you just making that assumption?  Is this really an issue of them wanting to “feel included” or you simply wanting cohesiveness?  Based on your OP, it sounds like it’s the latter.  I’m not trying to be mean but it seems like you’re grasping at straws here in trying to make this their fault. 

Since they have given you a hard time about other aspects of the wedding, it’s easy to treat minor indiscretions and major transgressions.  I’ve been guilty of it that too!  I think you just need to take this for what it’s worth – they can’t afford and/or don’t want to rent these specific tuxes and would rather purchase their wedding attire on their own.  And that’s no big deal in the grand scheme of things.

Your wedding is about so much more than who is wearing what, who matches who, that Uncle Bob wore sneakers, and Aunt Mary wore white – THAT BITCH!  When that day comes and goes, none of this matters, not in the slightest.  Don’t lose sight of what your wedding is all about – committing your life to your future husband and him committing his life to you, his wife. 

Post # 16
894 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@julies1949:  it is tradition…etiquette. The groom his father and brother all dress the same.

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