Post # 1
My BMs threw a low key shower for me and are taking me on a destination bachelorette party. For the bridal shower, they didn’t get me a large extravagant gift and I don’t think they will for the wedding either. They are wearing a Bridesmaid or Best Man dress and shoes of their choice (some are wearing one they already own) and I haven’t asked them to help with the wedding in any way, yet. I am also paying for their hair and makeup.
The groomsmen are all flying to vegas for bachelor party and to NY for the wedding. Other than that, we’re not asking them to do anything for the wedding at all.
My Maid/Matron of Honor told me that in addtition to hair and makeup, she is expecting me to pay for some of the bachelorette party and mani/pedis and also expecting a bridal party gift.
My Fiance doesn’t think we should get our bridal party gifts. None of them are married, so they don’t know the budget of planning a NYC wedding. Is it ok if I’m not planning on doing any of the things I think they are expecting?
Post # 3
- Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas
Honestly, I can’t imagine not giving my bridal party gifts. Even though we aren’t asking much of them, they are still purchasing their clothes and going out of their way to be there for us on our wedding day – I want them to know that I’m grateful for their contributions, however small they may be.
I don’t think that the gifts need to be extravagant – I know ours won’t be, but personally I would never skip out on giving my bridal party a gift.
Post # 4
even for a small budget wedding, i think you should try to get your bridal party something small to show them you appreciate them being there for you.
Post # 5
I agree with the bees above, even though they might not be spending the money on you at the moment, they have invested their time and support to you and your FH for your wedding. Even if you are on a tight budget, there are many home-made sentimental gifts that would be a nice touch and a great thank you gesture. For example, how about a framed picture of you all from the bachelorette or other events?
Post # 6
While it was definitely a little rude of your Maid/Matron of Honor to inform you that she was expecting you to pay for her mani/pedi and give you a Bridal Party gift, I still think a thank you gift is the right thing to do. It doesn’t need to be huge – a framed photo or some sweet inexpensive jewelry would be fine – but I think the gesture makes a difference.
It does sound, when you list all the various financial particulars, like you’re feeling a little bit resentful that you’re paying for so much more than them. That’s totally understandable, and I had some of that with my bridesmaids, too. (3 of the five them were struggling financially, and I paid for their dresses/shoes/mani-pedis/their share of the bachelorette without telling the other two, and that’s on top of the things I was covering for everyone, like hotel, hair & makeup, etc.) I found that I needed to let go of the “keeping score” mentality, and enjoy their company without thinking about who paid for what, or I would just end up being pissed on my own wedding day, which would mostly only hurt me!
Post # 7
I agree with the others above. You need to at least get them a little thank you gift. I am paying for hair, nails and hotel room for my girls. They purchased their own dress and shoes. I only asked that the dress be purple and shoes black. I bought shower gels/bath soaps/facial scrub at Target in the dollar bins. I’m putting them in a cute little basket and wrapping it with clear wrap and a cute bow. On the card I’m going to write thanks for spending the day with me and I hope you enjoy your day of being pampered. Then we will go to the Hotel spa and get our nails/hair done. I didn’t spend much on the little basket but I wanted to hand them something the night of the rehearsal dinner.
Post # 8
At least write them a thoughtful note thanking them for being a friend and being a part of your wedding party. I wrote mine on the back of a photo of me and my bridesmaids. Inexpensive costume jewelry to be worn at the wedding would be a nice gift too.
Post # 9
There will be no bridal party gifts at my wedding. I will have paid for a few of the accessories, but those are things I did out of the kindness of my heart, not because some tradition or magazine tells me too. Gifts should be heartfelt, not an obligation.
I’m disturbed by the extravagance of the bridal party gift suggestions in magazines today (Nintendo DS’s? ipods? Diamond jewelry?)
My second reason for not purchasing gifts is that I did not ask them to be in my wedding, they asked me and I did not see the point in hurting our relationships over something so insignificant. My Fiance and I planned on having no attendants but we now have 3 each. I’m not bothered by the fact, but I also don’t pretend to think that having my friends by my side while I say my vows makes my vows any more special or meaningful. Those vows are between my Fiance, myself, and our God. I would be saying them with or without “back-up” so to speak. 🙂
So why are attendants, let alone gifts, necessary?
Post # 10
I may be reading this wrong, but if I were one of your BM’s and I had done what you listed above (threw a shower, gave a shower gift, paid for a destination bachelorette party, paying for you to attend the destination bachelorette party, and maybe buying a dress and shoes) then I would be a little upset if I did not receive thanks. Even if they are not helping with the wedding planning, that is a lot of time and money they have already spent on your wedding. Also, I do not think it should have anything to do with whether or not they are married, or what your budget is. Give thanks where thanks is due.
So, with that being said, my gift to my girls will be to pay for their hair. I don’t think any of them really need/want another pair of pearls, another bath robe, or another tote bag. In addition to footing that bill, I will write them all a very nice thank you card and let them know how much they mean to me.
Post # 11
Yeah I think it’s rude not to do at least something. Yes, a NYC wedding is expensive (which is wny I didn’t end up doing one) but part of your wedding budget should have included some sort of Bridal Party gifts. Yeah, your Maid/Matron of Honor was kind of a b***h about it, but it is inconsiderate not to do a little something, especially given how much they are already dropping on you.
Post # 12
@zhongliqiu. my bridesmaids have done so much for me. they took me on a suprise trip to vermont for my bachelorette party, paying for everything (flight, hotel, rental car, day trips, play, food, etc.). they planned an amazing shower, where again my moh had to fly in. they’ve given me gifts for our engagement party and the shower, and i’m sure they’ll give a wedding gift too. they were both lucky enough not to have to purchase the wedding dress or shoes because they’re my sil and sister so my mom bought them, and i’m sure my mom will pay for their hair and make up too. they’ve both offered to help with wedding things a million times (even though i haven’t needed it yet, but will take their offer the wedding weekend!) the least i could do after all that they have done for me, is buy them a little thank you gift. oh, and my sister asked to be my moh too. i wasn’t planning on having a wedding party either. that doesn’t make her any less special to me.
Post # 13
From as far back as I can remember, people who were asked to be attendents in a bridal party only did a few things. They went to try on dresses/tuxes/suits of the B & G’s choice , threw the bridal shower & Bachelor & Bachelorette parties (which were nothing like they are today) and showed up the day of the wedding. Period. Where did this notion arise that they become,in any way, responsible for ‘helping’ with any of the wedding planning itself? Any person I’ve ever talked to during both of my daughter’s wedding planning meetings are as amazed as I am at this evolution. If anyone involved offers their help with a few things,its great,but I wouldn’t ‘expect’ anything.
Because your Bridal Party isn’t married and have no idea of costs for a wedding in NYC is not their problem. The way I’m reading this is you feel that because your expenses are high because of where your wedding is, and the fact they didn’t give you an extravagant shower gift ,makes you feel justified in giving them nothing more than dinner at your wedding? Wow.
Nothing is really necessary,but it’s a nice gesture to do a few things for them if they’re your friends and people you care anything about. I’m glad none of my friends were keeping score.
Post # 14
@artbee. Their asking to be in my wedding certainly hasn’t made my friends anything less than that, my friends. But, they’ve made it clear that their motivation for being a part of my wedding was dressing up and having fun, not being helpful or supportive. I don’t have a problem with that, but at the same time I’m not going to give them a gift for it. If my girls were doing anything similar to what your girls are, I would gladly be looking for a token of appreciation for each of them. Instead, I have a bridesmaid who has yet to pay me back for the dress I purchased for her and girls who won’t stop nagging about how they want flowers to carry. They were the only ones who showed up to my engagement party w/o a gift. I wouldn’t have been bothered by this except one of the girls said that she had intended on buying me something at Victoria’s Secret, but saw something she wanted for herself and spent the money on that. Instead of being helpful they’re stress inducing.
If I were bleeding out they’d be there for me, but short of that they’re too concerned with their lives to give me a hand. I still love them, but I’m not buying them an ipod. I think a card has more meaning and will suffice.
I’m only sharing my story here so Miss Jcrew can have another side of the story… At the end of the day you need to do what is right for you, your wedding, your situation. I think considering all the wonderful things your maids have done for you, you’re making the right decision. I wish I had reason to be so thankful. 🙁
Post # 15
Flying for a destination part? Threw a shower? … Yeah, I think you need to give them a thank you gift. If its budget you are worried about, get creative and make it something from the heart. No, you dont need to buy everyone a mani/pedi or an ipod or whatever, but something to say thank you for standing up with you and being supportive and organizing the other shindigs is def appropriate.
Post # 16
I think a small token gift is enough. It looks like the major cost they are facing is the destination bachelorette – if you could somehow contribute to that it could count as your gift. Perhaps pick up dinner one night for everyone? Or get everyone a massage on the beach at the hotel. Then it is a memorable gift as well. I guess it depends on whether they would have spent that money on the destination bachelorette anyways? (as a vacation) or whether they are incurring those costs just for you. If it is just for you, then I think you owe them something as a gift. Also, keep in mind if they haven’t done a lot of wedding planning they likely don’t know the cost of things or that perhaps a large group shower gift would have been great. If you are strapped for money right now due to wedding costs, you could always tell your bridal party that you can’t afford gifts right now due to the cost of the wedding but you will get everyone something special when you can.