Post # 1
Quick recap.. my partner have been together for nearly 3 years, always lived together (that’s how we met as housemates), lived alone for 2 years. We have always talked quite happily about the future, we know we want to marry each other, want to have each other’s babies etc. We talk about what our wedding will be like, what time of year, colour theme….
He said to me about 7 few months ago (albeit intoxicated) that he could see us married with kids in 3 years.
Though a few days ago he came out with he really loves me and wants to be with me and knows that he wants to be with me forever and marry me and he is getting really scared of losing me. He said that doesn’t like setting targets or long term plans. He said if you set a deadline or timeline it just means that you get angry, upset or disappointed if you don’t meet them…. He said that he doesn’t want to upset me and he wants to marry me he just doesn’t want to put a time on it..
I just said you can’t plan your life not planning for the future or else you will never do anything. He said he has never and never will want to make long term plans… argh!!
I have not pressed him for a date, just said things like “when we get married…” so don’t know why he came out with it. Am I right in thinking it is just a “shut the fuck up” hint?
He is massively in debt so I know he isn’t planning anything on the sly!
=( just feel like it’ll never happen now.. I can’t see if you don’t make a long term plan how you can get to the point where you plan an engagement?
Sorry for rambling!
Post # 3
I’d be pretty leery of someone who didn’t want to plan a future with me after three years of living together.
It sounds like he’s pretty satisfied with the arrangement the two of your have right now, and isn’t really looking for much more of a commitment.
He can tell you he wants to marry you until he’s blue in the face, but in the end the cliche ‘actions speak louder than words’ is a thousand times true. The fact that he doesn’t even want to discuss, much less commit to, a timeline is kind of a red flag.
But this is just what I’m picking up on solely from your one post on an internet forum. Ultimately, I’m not privy to the intimate details of your lives, and in the end, you’re the one that knows him best.
Post # 4
@rachelmichelle: +1 words wiyout actions are empty.
Post # 5
@LilMonkey: I don’t want to upset you, but think long and hard about marrying someone who makes no long-term plans and is “massively” in debt.
I dated a guy like this for 5 years on/off. I had to make all the long-term plans and he sometimes went along with them. We could never take any holidays because of the debt. He resented me because I had less debt. He was never serious about tackling the debt even though I tried to help him. He was just a loser basically. He wanted everything to be given to him and refused to work for it. He was also the typical bad boy that I kept going back to. So stupid. Finally I just said “screw it”. He was also commitment phobic (as evidenced by our many breakups).
I am not saying your guy is exactly like this, but this doesn’t sound so good. After three years he should know if he wants to marry you or not, and give a ballpark figure.
He sounds like the type where he is happy drifting through life, and you will have to push him to get anything done. Do you want to raise kids with someone like that?
Anyway. I could be off base since I am basing my answer on this one post, but as I said, he reminded me of my ex and I warn anyone to stay away from people like him.
Post # 6
Never make long-term plans…think very carefully if you want to hook your star to this guy. Life is about learning how to balance living in the moment with long-term plans (and dealing with disappointment when you don’t reach those goals or they change). If you do want to stay with him, give yourself an internal deadline that you will not regret if things end up not working out. I would tell him, “I don’t like that you cant give me a dead line, but I understand. However, I will not wait forever. I’d like to be engaged in the next X years and married by the time I’m married. I have an internal deadline and if you can’t meet that, that’s fine, but I will have to leave in order to stay true to myself.”
Post # 7
Of course he doesn’t want to lose you! You stick around even though he is not even able to verbally commit to you. You’re making it easy for him! Think long and hard about your personal long term goals. Is he able to get you there? I’d ask if his were similar but it sounds like he has none. Don’t waste too much time on this guy, ok?
Post # 8
@LilMonkey: He SHOULD be afraid to lose you, and you shouldn’t give him false reassurances. You have the right to have what you want in life, including a partner who wants to marry you and will take steps to do it. I think he’s hoping you’ll settle down and put up with it. I’d move out, if I were you. Living with him and playing house just enables his procrastination.
Post # 9
- Wedding: February 2015 - Weddings at Tiffany's, Maleny
It’s hard because you love him and have so much history, but just like one of the other posters – he sounds like one of my ex’s too. As soon as you get over the initial pain you’ll always just think of him as ‘the kid who never grew up’, or ‘what a waste of time!’, and be so much better off hopefully with someone more mature.
Post # 10
If he wanted to marry you, he could do so for the cost of a marriage license. He’s telling you he doesn’t want to, and you’re not listening.
Post # 11
Are you guys at uni? Or recently out of it? It might be that he wants to achieve other things first or just doesn’t feel ready/too young.
Tbh I would be tempted to say, you don’t want to lose me, however I do have a plan and it involves marriage in the next …years, kids by age …. See what his response is to that. You don’t have to passively wait, just state your intentions.
Having said that, if you’re young it might not be that he doesn’t want to marry you ever, it means he’s not ready just yet. I think an honest conversation would help you both.