Post # 1
So, I know many of you are having the same problems, but sometimes personalized advice is most helpful. My FMIL is driving me crazy. We got along quite well before this whole wedding stuff started. When my fiance decided to propose was the time when things got a little strange.
The most recent issue has been the whole “children at the wedding thing.” In my family, kids were most often not invited to weddings. For the most part, there are often just too many kids. On my father’s side alone there are over 25 kids. These are not well-behaved kids either. They are pre-teens who are already experimenting with drugs and alcohol- awesome. Not people I want at the wedding. My fiance’s side has considerably fewer children and on his side children are always invited to the wedding. Because of the situation on my side however, I have chosen not to have children at the wedding. This has sent my FMIL into crazy rants including saying that she doesn’t feel like she should come and that it doesn’t sound like I even want any of her family there. I feel like I’m dealing with a teenage girl. I’ve tried explaining the situation to her multiple times, but to no avail. My fiance doesn’t really want to get involved in any of this. On top of it all, in addition to children, she keeps trying to add guests to the guest list and has not contributed anything.
She has now just bought her plane tickets to the wedding (so she is coming), but instead of coming a few days out, she is coming only the day before, after we had planned to have the rehearsal dinner. I just don’t know what to do anymore. She won’t respond to my emails or calls or even to her son’s calls.
Does anyone have any advice?
Post # 3
Also, we are hiring babysitters for out-of-town guests who bring their kids.
Post # 4
@VelvetBegonias: She’s acting like a spoiled brat (no offense), so treat her like one.
If she isn’t going to accept your decisions, and if your FI isn’t going to get involved (personally, I’d kicked his butt and MAKE him get involved, it’s HIS mother after all!), then just ignore her.
You’re providing babysitters and if your guests don’t want to view this as a “parents night out”, welllll….. that’s their loss. 🙂
Personally, we COULD have taken our kids to a friend’s wedding, but chose not to due to distance and it was more fun having a night out without the kids. (They’d already done their trick or treating the day before so I was happy).
Enjoy the wedding and ignore his mother.
Sorry you’ve gotta go through this! I hope it works out (or at least smooths out) for you!!
Post # 5
Like it or not it’s you FI job to deal and set straight HIS mother! And really it’s about you two growing into that single union of support for one another.
He needs to set it straight that children are not included AND that she needs to stop adding to the guestlist.
AND if there are supposed to be things like the rehearsal and such that lead up to the wedding that she’s supposed to be apart of HE needs to talk to her about that too!
Post # 6
Stick to your guns! 🙂 It kinda sounds like she’s creating a lot of drama for attention, but you don’t have to give it to her. It’s not her decision – about the kids or any of the guests she wants to add, and if she wants to rant and rave you don’t have to listen. You don’t have to try to get in touch with her if she’s too busy sulking to pick up the phone. Although if she’s really going to get on your case, your fiance should really buffer you a little bit from his mother’s craziness.
In my case, the “real” reason we’re having a no-kids wedding is that there just isn’t space for all the kids in both families, and it seems very rude to choose just a few kids to invite when we can’t invite them all. Since a lot of the kids in my fiance’s family are little twerps who I don’t want at the wedding, I’m not the slightest bit sorry. But I’ve had much better success explaining the no-kids decision with the “no space” argument than by saying that I don’t want the little troublemakers there. Can you convince FMIL that it’s simply a space issue?
Post # 7
“Stick to your guns.” That’s great advice here! Your FMIL sounds very immature. I know that’s weird because you would expect someone older than you to be mature. My advice is to deal with what is, rather than how things should be. Your FI should be dealing with his mom on your behalf, but since he isn’t, you have to. You’ve explained things to her and have been polite and respectful. If she wants to act like a brat – let her. It won’t at all reflect poorly on you, only her. If she misses out on things because she is throwing a temper tantrum so be it. She’s probably used to getting her way and you standing your ground is foreign to her. It’s time for her to learn a lesson. Set the tone here because surely this won’t be the last fit she throws – trust me! But if you stand strong, she’ll be less likely to behave like a child when it comes to you. Good luck!
Post # 8
Your FI needs to have a united front with you, especially since its his mother. REmind her that its your wedding, and your decision, especially when she’s not contributing financially.
Post # 9
Thanks for all the words of encouragement and advice. You are all spot on. I’m just going to be glad when all of this craziness is over.
Post # 10
Post # 11
Wow, Your providing a babysitter!!!!!! You are already going beyond what you need to. I am having kids at my wedding, but I am having a backyard reception with lots of room for them to play and I have a daughter myself. I was saying to a woman without kids the other day that if she was going to invite kids to her wedding she needed to be prepared for them being noisy, running around, maybe having a tantrum, dancing in the middle of the dance floor. Personally, non of this bothers me, but if I was having a more formal wedding I might think differently.
You need to stick to your guns, as has already been said, and tell her that this is just the way it is and she will just have to deal.
Post # 12
My fiance doesn’t really want to get involved in any of this.
There’s your problem right there. His mother, his family…MAKE him get involved hon!
Post # 13
Well.. she’s not returning any of your calls or emails… I’d say that’s perfect! No need to continue the conversation. It’s your wedding and you made your choice… don’t chase her to dicuss it. Just let it be.
Especially if she’s not given anything toward the wedding… I’d just let it go. If she brings up more guests etc just say “the invitations have already been sent”