No children policy and exceptions

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Should I make an exception for her?
    Yes, let her bring her children. : (0 votes)
    No, don't let her even if that means she doesn't come. : (22 votes)
    100 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    418 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    I don’t think you can make an exception without getting a lot of grief.  We’re having to make this difficult choice because we cannot have my brother’s feral children at the wedding.  I know it’s going to mean some friends can’t attend, but I also don’t want to be keeping my brother’s children from breaking antiques or falling down stairs on my wedding day.  It may also mean my brother and sister-in-law can’t attend.  I will do everything I can to provide reliable, vouched-for sitter info, but they may not leave their kids with a sitter.  They’re awful parents.  If other adults are present, they don’t mind their children.  They just assume other adults will re-direct them if they’re going to injure themselves or escape.  So far the 2 year old has jumped in a pool while unsupervised and had to have the 7 year old call mom for help while trying to save her and one of them went missing for a full 10 minutes at a house on a busy road.  

    Our decision has to be a 2 way street.  Our guests can choose not to attend and we can’t be upset and I hope on the other side of the coin, they understand our position and won’t be upset.  

    Post # 3
    Member
    1214 posts
    Bumble bee

    Sorry, but I think no means no, if you want to avoid drama.  Can her children stay where the other kid are staying?  If its FI family, and they agree, that should be safe enough. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    279 posts
    Helper bee

    Yeah, I would think it was really rude if someone else was allowed to bring children and my kid wasn’t welcome. Everyone has different circumstances. Are there no sitters available in her town? Honestly my family almost never watches my son, we have paid sitters we use when we are invited to adults only events.

    Post # 6
    Member
    1947 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    I don’t think you can make an exception for you cousin.  It would be different if it was your sister.  If you really want her there, can you offer to help find (and pay for) a sitter for the evening?

    Post # 8
    Member
    42510 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    melissa03:  When is your wedding? Does she have time to leave her children with a sitter a few times before the wedding to get them used to it?

    I wouldn’t bend the rules for her. It is sure to cause hard feelings with others to whom you have said no. If she can’t come, she can’t come.

    Post # 9
    Member
    371 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    melissa03:  I’m going to vote no. would she be comfortable leaving her kids with another set of in laws from your family? I know it’s not ideal. my sister really hurt the family when she made exceptions after saying no kids. Similar where it was actually my nephew who wasn’t allowed when she had other kids there. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    279 posts
    Helper bee

    melissa03:  That sucks… I understand both sides of the situation but at the end of the day, if being with her children is her priority, then unfortunately she may have to skip it. I definitely don’t think it’s worth offending other family members. Try not to let it stress you too much… Maybe schedule a brunch with her and the kids to spend some one-on-one time with her after the wedding, and bring your new husband so you can all celebrate together?

    Post # 11
    Member
    3709 posts
    Sugar bee

    Nope. It’ll open up a whole, big can of worms. And it will cause family drama for years to come.

    Post # 12
    Member
    7206 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    It’s common to make exceptions for immediate family (i.e. invite siblings’ children but not cousins’ children), so why not make an exception in this case? I’m really uncomfortable with excluding someone from the wedding “because that’s the rules”. It’s your wedding and you can bend the rules if you want.

    Are her children older and you can justify inviting them that way?

    Or, can you arrange some sort of kids’ room, and let her go in and out and mind them? I’ve done that once.

    Post # 14
    Member
    1981 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    melissa03:  I think trying to find child care is a nice gesture- we are having an adult-only wedding and will be doing the same. We have a room upstairs from the reception venue so the kids in the wedding and the infants will be under the same roof but not disrupt anything. Some parents are adverse to babysitters and if they rather miss a wedding than have a licensed professional watch their kids for a couple hours, that’s their choice.

    Post # 15
    Member
    1236 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

    “No kids unless you harangue the bride about it and don’t like sitters” is a good rule to generate a whole lot of hurt (or at least miffed) feelings. Barring extenuating circumstances like a breastfeeding infant who physically cannot be away from his/her mother, I think you need to adopt a no = no policy and leave it at that.

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