Post # 1
I am being silly and I need to be reminded of exactly how silly I am being. Please hive, remind me!
So my birthday was a couple of weeks ago (around Thanksgiving) and PenguinGuy didn’t get me a birthday present. Not that big of a deal as I knew he was CRAZY busy at work (in and out of ‘town’, ridiculous hours, etc etc etc) and didn’t have time to shop. I also told him that there wasn’t anything that I particularly wanted other than him to be home! I only wanted that because originally he was scheduled to be out of town for my birthday, but plans changed and we spent it together and did nothing special aside from going to see the new Harry Potter movie.
Now Christmas is coming up and I am feeling rather upset because I don’t think I am getting a Christmas present from him. I swear that I am not that materialistic, but it feels as though he just doesn’t care about getting me anything or even doing something special for me. I love him completely, but I just feel disappointed. He knows that I have been doing my best to get him what he wanted for Christmas (including a couple of small ‘surprise’ gifts) and for me? It isn’t as though I am asking for much, I asked for a zip up hooded sweatshirt and a belt. Not even a specific shirt or belt and yet, nothing.
As for surprising me? Well, no chance of that right now. I handle about 98% of our finances right now and told him in no uncertain terms that I would not look at individual charges on his credit card, that i would just pay it off and not peek…problem is, there is nothing to pay off! He hasn’t bought anything since he put gas in his car 2 weeks ago. Sigh
So please, Hive, tell me I am being silly. Tell me that he has more than enough time to go shopping and that when I wake up on Christmas day that he will have a present for me. I know the holidays are not about receiving gifts. I am actually all for giving to others. We plan on making a donation to a couple of charities as well as giving some pretty darn nifty gifts to our families. I guess I just feel a touch overlooked this holiday season…
Post # 3
He still has plenty of time.
FI and I are leaving in 2 days for his mom’s house in Maine and we will be spending Christmas there.
However, he hasn’t bought a SINGLE present yet. Not for me, not for his mom, not for his brother, not for anyone.
Two night ago he realized it and said, ” I guess I need to get some Christmas shopping done.”
Keep your chin up, last minute Christmas gifts is what Amazon Prime was made for.
Post # 4
He has TONS of time to shop. You know guys never do today what they can put off till tomorrow (ok that could be my motto also). There’s a full weekend coming up and all next week. That’s what i’m telling my self and one of my co-workers, who by the way has like five kids and hasn’t started shopping yet!! so that should make you feel way better.
Post # 5
Well if it makes you feel any better, I usually don’t get my shopping done until christmas eve!
Post # 6
Dude, I KNOW DH has not bought my christmas gift yet. It’ll come. Seriously, who doesn’t give a christmas gift to their SO? He still has plenty of time–I think most men go shopping Christmas Eve at 6pm anyways
But at the same time–who doesn’t give a gift or do something special for their SO for their birthday?! That’s pretty sucky, I’m sorry!
Post # 7
Grrr that’s so frustrating! I think the only way to make sure you guys ar eon the same page is to say something (subtle of course!). I would recommend something along the lines of:
“Hey hun, I don’t know if you’ve done Christmas shopping yet, but I was thinking – why don’t we put a limit/range on our gifts so that way we know not to go too crazy? Would like $100 – $150 each be good? Or if you don’t think we should do gifts this year…”
And see what he says. It opens up the conversation. Maybe he was thinking you guys would save gift money for something else (a trip, house, etc). My FI and I were originally not going to do gifts because we spent a lot of money on our new place and wanted to save up for a trip. But finally I realized I couldn’t NOT have something for him to open under our tree. So I pretty much said exactly what I put above, and now I know that we’ll both have gifts to open, and it won’t break the bank.
Post # 8
I’m sure he’ll get you something, but since he didn’t get anything for your birthday, I’d talk to him about it. Just let him know that it’s not about the money spent or the gift got, but the thought! If my husband didn’t get me anything for my birthday I would be extremely hurt and would say something to him. Maybe your SO doesn’t realize how important the thought behind it is. Does he come from a home where git-giving wasn’t important? Perhaps that’s just the norm for him and it never crossed his mind that it might make you upset? DH and I (and his mother) are all born within 4 days of Christmas and both in his family and mine, a big deal is made of seperating the two and getting gifts for both. That’s how we were raised. However, everyone has had a different experience growing up and that may be accounting for some of this. I think talking to him is the best way to deal with this. He may be putting it off (DH has my present but has been putting off stocking shopping as most guys who loathe shopping will do). But, like I said, since he didn’t get you anything for your birthday, I’d bring it up casually and see what happens.
Post # 9
I agree that he has pleny of time still to shop.
But do you think you are not getting a present because its not purchased yet or because you just “know him” and because of your birthday?
If its the latter, then make sure he knows you expect something. Even joke a bit that since he didnt do anything for your birthday that you expect extra thought to be put into your christmas present. People arent mind readers (especially men!) so dont expect them to know what you want and then be mad when you dont tell them and you dont get it. Tell him.
Its the time now to set precedent. I don’t care how busy FH is, I want either a present, or a special day or something that commemorates the special occasion. Someone is not too busy to write a nice letter, to bring home a bouquet of flowers (even from the gas station!) to order dinner out so you dont have to cook. Don’t let him get away with not doing something in the future. You will start to regret it and then possibly resent him because you go through the trouble, but it isnt being returned.
Post # 10
Have a talk with him but don’t make it subtle. Tell him exactly how you feel.
Be careful you are not sending out mixed messages.
One one side,:
“my birthday was a couple of weeks ago (around Thanksgiving) and PenguinGuy didn’t get me a birthday present. Not that big of a deal as I knew he was CRAZY busy at work (in and out of ‘town’, ridiculous hours, etc etc etc) and didn’t have time to shop. I also told him that there wasn’t anything that I particularly wanted other than him to be home!”
(don’t make excuses for him- how long does it take to order something online, get you a gift certificate for a massage etc?)
on the other side:
it’s obvious that this is important for you as you are thinking about it and have wriitten about it.
If we want our partners to understand how we feel, we have to tell them.
Post # 11
AH, don’t worry about it. One of my favorite Christmas Eve events is to go to the big famous jewelry store in town (uumm to get my ring cleaned) and to watch all the guys buying whatever the clerk hands them with total panick in their eyes. I haven’t talked to a guy yet who has done any of their Christmas shopping. My dad just called me last night to ask me to come and get his credit card and go shopping for him for the whole family.
Post # 12
Thanks ladies. I do feel slightly better having at least gotten my thoughts off of my chest. Part of the reason I feel silly complaining about it is that about 2 weeks ago I did talk to him about this. He knows how I feel.
I jokingly said how when my mom asked me what he got me for my birthday that I had told her that he was going to do a combined present for me at Christmas since the two events are pretty close. He responded that he had wanted to get me something but not knowing what to get+no time to shop=no birthday present. He told me that I just needed to get him a list of what I wanted for Christmas and I would get a Christmas present. A week later I told him what I wanted. However, I know his schedule for the next two weeks and there is not a whole lot of time to go shopping. That is why I am feeling a tad bummed. No, it doesn’t take long to find something online or get a gift certificate, but it does take being on dry land (he is in the Navy) and having a working internet connection (the one on the ship is notoriously unstable).
His family is actually very big on giving presents. Even before we were engaged I would get a birthday gift from his mother every year. At Christmas they have a big tradition of opening presents on Christmas Eve. So yeah, it really isn’t a problem based upon how he grew up.
At this point I know that I will get something for Christmas, I guess I just feel a bit bummed because he doesn’t seem to be making it a priority to get me a gift as I have made it a priority to get his gifts.
Post # 13
@Penguingal06: At this point I know that I will get something for Christmas, I guess I just feel a bit bummed because he doesn’t seem to be making it a priority to get me a gift as I have made it a priority to get his gifts.
I feelt hat way a lot, too. My BF for years wasn’t able to get me anything as I was the one with the job and he was in and out of school and “maybe” working part time, so my money was “our” money, and we’ve both agreed to keep seperate accounts, so unless I gave him my card, he had no access to it, and his income wasn’t super great and often had to help me with bills (my old job sucked and paid me fr less than I was worth) leaving us with little room for extra spending. Knowing this, I’d shop for his birthday and Christmas a month or two prior, to be sure I could compare prices and have things shipped on time and still be able to sneak them into the house, hide them and wrap them. He waited till the last minute, meaning there were plenty of holidays where I got no gift, or what seemed to me to be half-assed gifts or late, non-wrapped gifts, and in light of the effort I put into it (its not like Christmas or my birthday come on different days each year) I felt he was deliberately ignoring me. Actually, he’s just such a procrastinator that it bites him in the butt pretty often, and finally he’s learning. I signed us both up for Amazon Prime this past year in March, thinking it would help, and he only accepted the invite LAST WEEK, but now there’s a gift under the tree with my name on it (and yes, I DID shake it, nosey me).
I think many men are wired differently than women, and don’t realize that you can shop BEFORE the event for a gift. Your SO is probably either waiting for the last minute, or already has something. Hope it’s a MErry Christmas.
Post # 14
My fiance routinely buys presents for me day of of an event–on his way home from work. But that doesn’t bother me at all because it’s still usually really well thought out, he’s just a procrastinator when it comes to the execution. I’d say you’re highly likely to get a Christmas present and he’ll buy it last minute. You probably jinxed yourself out of a birthday present by saying you didn’t want anything (don’t beat around the bush with men…they quite often take things very literally). i don’t consider myself materialistic, but my fiance knows he’d be dead meat if he forgot to get me a gift…doesn’t have to be expensive, but recognizing occassions is important to me. He knows this because we’ve talked about it (and he knows to expect that I’ll always get him something too).
Post # 15
@sapphirebride: My DH is the same way! He always has thought out what he wanted but for some reason feels it necessary to wait until the last minute to actually get it.
Post # 16
Well, I went out with DH for a romantic dinner last night and conversation turned to Christmas presents. This is partly my fault as I brought up the fact that I had gotten him a small gift yesterday to celebrate his promotion at work and partly the fault of the restaurant playing Christmas music.
Anyway, I was apologizing because I bought him a new camera lens and it wouldn’t arrive before Christmas. As a side note, he knew he was getting the lens because he had to tell me what kind to get and he didn’t tell me until yesterday! I then, jokingly, asked him what he got for me. This was the resulting conversation:
Him: I still don’t know what to get you.
Me: I told you I wanted x and y, anything after that is up to your own creativity.
Him: Yeah, I know that but I haven’t even thought about shopping or what to get for you.
This almost caused me to break down in the restaurant because I know what his schedule is like: At work from 7 AM today (Tuesday) until 6 PM Wednesday, work 7 AM Thursday to 6 PM Thursday, at work at 7 AM Friday until 9 AM Saturday. Getting off of work at 6 means that he is going to have enough energy to come home, eat dinner, have sex and go to sleep. No time for shopping at a store. Oh, the internet you say? Yeah, he doesn’t have internet access at work so he can’t even order anything online. I really don’t want to come off as materialistic, but seriously!
What should I do? I know when he says “I haven’t thought about it” he really, REALLY hasn’t thought about it! Sigh, I guess I am just feeling a bit under appreciated right now.