(Closed) no family of bride at wedding… sad

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
532 posts
Busy bee

I am sorry your family is not there for you. Maybe you can organize a meet-up with some other bees in your area, so that you have someone to talk to and run things by when it comes to the wedding stuff that your fi isn’t interested in. they may be interested in talking to vendors or going shopping for dresses as well, so you will have some company.

as for his mom and your other friends, maybe it wouldn’t hurt to reach out to them a little and tell them what a hard time you are going through because your family is not in your life. people want to help and be there for you, often they are just busy with their own lives and do not realize that you need them.

i wish you the best! good luck with everything, and cheer up– you are creating your own family with a man who really loves and supports you.

Post # 4
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@ms2mrs:  It sounds like you are going through several transitions in your life. Not only are you going from single to married, you are maturing, figuring out who your real friends are, and making your own family. My advice? Proceed slowly. Follow your instincts. Take control of what you can. Let the rest wash over you like water.

For instance, you wish Future Mother-In-Law would call? Why not call her yourself? Take 5-10 minutes, say hello, ask when she’ll be in town say you’d love to have her over, be inviting, give her an estimated time frame of when you’d like to have her there to shop for/buy your dress otherwise you’ll need to purchase without her in order to have it ready in time.

As for friends? Broaden your circle a little bit and see who surfaces as a true support. Anyone pulling you down can go find their path elsewhere…away from you! I got sick of organizing my friends too and went so far as to send an email to them saying as much, but more polite, when they were flaking at the last minute on a holiday gathering we had planned for months. Since then, the only gatherings that take place are smaller with the friends that responded to my email, and you know what? We are all so much happier not having to cater to flaky people.

As for family, sounds like you made the healthiest choice ever. Good for you. You will make your own family. Start creating your own traditions. Even silly things, whatever it takes to get the concept started and continued.

Hang in there. It doesn’t sound like you’re expecting too much. It sounds like you have reasonable standards that are maturing at a rate faster than some of your friends/family. It is okay to forgive people in such circumstances, but if it is weighing you down and happens a little too often, it is worth listening to yourself.

Post # 5
435 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m so sorry for what you are going through.

Do you have one or two close friends with whom you could share what you just shared on WB? I try to be as good a friend as I can, but I can be emotionally oblivious sometimes. I may not have the insight to reach out to a friend who was in the situation you were in. If over coffee one day she shared a bit about what she was going through, I would put away everything to help make her engagement and wedding the most joyous possible… initiating a shower, getting excited over centerpieces and flowers, etc. Sometimes even the most considerate friends need to be told directly what their friends need of them… and as soon as you do they’re right there, ready to do what they can. 

Hugs to you, I hope with your wonderful fiance you have a wonderful, joyful wedding. 

Post # 7
1576 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I am estranged from my family. My parents are deceased and most of my brothers and sisters have not communicated since my parents died (they are all way older than me). My daughter from my first marriage died 10 years ago.

My one brother is coming. That’s it. Luckily I have very good long-term friends who I consider family.

Post # 8
9627 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m in the same boat.  This isn’t my first wedding and my mother and grandmother passed away a few years ago.  Everyone else lives far from me.  I’ve never gotten along very well with my father and although I will invite him it’s doubtful he’ll travel that far.  The only three people that will be at my wedding on my side are my son, his girlfriend (whom I adore) and my best friend.  I’m lucky in that I really love my FI’s family, especially his mother and sisters, and they love me.  So, they are my new family.

Post # 10
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

@ms2mrs:  If I was your friend, I would want to see this. Sometimes it’s easy to get caught up in your own life and forget about a person who really needs you. Be vulnerable with them. I bet they step up to the plate.  

Post # 11
266 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It really helps to hear that I am not the only one in this boat.  My Fiance family is very supportive and sweet, but generally not that involved in our lives, but maybe this is an opportunity for things to change. 

Add another seat cushion to that boat, because I’m in it, too.

Pretty much most of my relatives were abusive or neglectful to a fault while I was growing up. I only still talk with my mom, and she’s gotten fairly… let’s just say “odd” through the past several years. She’s the only relative I’m even considering inviting, and even she won’t come if it interferes with her college schedule too much. I just got to a point where I realized that while my life still wasn’t coming up roses, there was a heck of a lot less bull**** with them around, and that made a huge difference.

FI’s family is not what I would have come up with if I had complete control over everything, but they’re so much better than my own, I’ve got nothing to complain about. I would much rather have them in my lives, to whatever extent they choose to be involved or not, than my own relatives.

Post # 13
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m in the same boat with most of my family!  My extended family is a mess.  They were in and out of our lives growing up and usually it wasn’t good when they were around.  My mother has been mentally ill for as long as I remember and my father, after living with her for 30+ years, is now, too.  My sister and I both decided that we had to cut them out of our lives after they made a mess of her wedding and tried to blame us for it.  We have barely spoken since and it’s been almost 3 years.  It was a matter of necessity for our health and well-being but it’s still incredibly hard.  My sister is able to see and remember the positives from her wedding day and appreciate the fact that she at least had some nice wedding-related moments with them leading up to the big day. I won’t have any of it, the good or, thankfully, the bad.  It’s incredibly hard.  I have a hard time watching the reality wedding/dress shows on TV and I have anxiety about having to explain where my parents/extended family members are.  Thankfully Fiance is extremely supportive and my sister/MOH and I are close.   

FI’s family is a mixed situation.  My soon-to-be Mother-In-Law has a lot of the tendencies for control and manipulation that my own mother had, although possibly for different reasons.  The worst part was I figured out a lot of this while we were visiting a few times and working on wedding-related things, like looking for a dress.  I was so excited to go shopping with her, and probably was thinking of it as a replacement experience (as much as it could be).  At least I would have a mother figure to go with….  However, it quickly led to spiteful comments when I wasn’t leaning towards the dresses she liked or manipulation by making disparaging comments about my body parts in front of other brides/families in order to try to get me to do things like pick straps instead of strapless dresses.  We are also VERY different when it comes to our views on the world, which has made things very difficult too.  FI’s sister is a lot like their mother too, which hasn’t been helpful. 

Fiance and I have generally great friends but we’re learning just how close some of those relationships are or aren’t.  I have tended to keep a smaller circle of close friends because of my experiences growing up and they have all been great for the most part.  There are, of course, exceptions.  I’m pretty sure when it comes to weddings, everyone loses their damn minds!  For example, I had a Bridesmaid or Best Man alert me that another friend, who decided not to be in my wedding essentially because of finances (which I totally understand, but still probably wouldn’t have made the same choice if I were her-I would’ve cut out a few happy hours a month or something), that she would be upset if she didn’t get a +1 to the wedding even though she wasn’t planning on bringing anyone/wasn’t dating anyone/didn’t  have any love interests. Our budget is extremely tight because we’re paying for much of the wedding ourselves (and FI’s mom added 32 people to the invite list through another manipulation-whole other story).  I felt like, if she wanted me to be understanding about her not standing up there with me on my big day because money is tight, I would expect that she would be understanding that she wouldn’t get a +1 just for the sake of having one because money is tight.  In the end I decided to give the +1 rather than have it turn out to be a fight/drama on the day. 

Before that, the same Bridesmaid or Best Man came up with this over-the-top plan for my shower/bachelorette that included a trip to NYC and a long train ride there.  It was a great idea but I was just thinking of staying in our home city because we were already asking people to travel for the wedding.  I went along with it and told her to work with my sister/MOH because she was really excited and we were going to be able to cut a lot of the costs through various connections.  Then I got an email from Bridesmaid or Best Man when it came to actually planning the event, saying that I need to keep in mind that not everyone can afford such things and keep in mind that I’m asking them to travel for the wedding.  I thought my head was going to explode.  I decided to do what I wanted to do, have the shower at my house, a dinner in our city and have a sleep-over after going out to the bars.  Even then, getting suggestions for bars from Bridesmaid or Best Man and other friend was essentially impossible. 

Anyhoo, as for FI’s friends, it’s been pretty bad.  He’s had friends RSVP but not show up for things, not say nice things about us behind our backs about us being plus-sized people (except I was within ear-shot and heard everything), etc. He’s been really disappointed/upset by the behavior of friends and family too. 

As I’m sure you can imagine, there’s so much more that could be said.  Bottom line, though, is that through all of this, Fiance and I have figured out what we truly want and have learned a lot working through these issues with family and friends.  We are lucky in the regard that it has made us stronger as a couple. 

My advice would be to take it one day at a time, keep the end goal in mind at all times and ask yourself if worrying about/being upset about X,Y, or Z is going to help you. Of course you need to grieve for your loss and you will likely be doing that throughout your life.  But as for the other stuff, you and your Fiance will be building your life and your circle of friends together for the rest of your lives.  The suggestions above are all great as far as broadening your circles and opportunities.  As long as you are focused on the kind of day you two want for the start of your journey, that’s all that matters.  Everyone else who misses out or can’t be a part of it, well it’s their loss, their problem.  If they don’t like your choices, well it’s a good thing they aren’t the ones getting married that day.  You and Fiance are going to be happy together and there’s nothing that anyone else can say/do to change it. 🙂

Good luck and hang in there!

Post # 14
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Have you thought of having a private wedding, just the two of you?  I mean if you have crap friends and crap family, I would think a wedding would only magnify those sad terms.  But having a private wedding, you get to only worry about you two, what kind of fabulous alone time you get to have, all the little details that you want to see without anyone’s opinion.

I mean do you want to really spend money for a party for these crap friends?  Or are you expecting things out of them things that they are unaware of – are they unaware of your expectations? 

We are doing this.  FI’s parents are very sweet and supportive and we may invite just them as guests to be our witnesses.


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