Post # 1
This is just too weird, we haven’t received a card or gift from my mother-in-law. She did not give us any money towards the wedding, nor pay for a rehersal dinner, etc. (we didn’t have a rehersal dinner.) She lives 2 hours away and my husband sees her a few times a month. I have seen her twice since the wedding and she hasn’t said anything. Can anyone make anything out of this? I just don’t get it. A week after the wedding my husband said she would be giving us a gift and a check but we have received nothing. Most of my thank-you notes have already gone out, but I have not sent her one. I’m sure all her friends will be calling her this week to tell her they received it with our picture. Is she going to be expecting one? She should be sending us one because we paid for a lovely hotel room for her for two nights! I am not sending notes to guests who have not given us a gift.
Post # 3
I know this might not be what you want to hear, but no one is obligated to bring you a gift to your wedding. If they attended your wedding, you should send each and every person a thank you note thanking them for attending.
Given that this is your MIL, you do have a right to be upset (I would be), but you do still need to send her a thank you note.
Post # 4
Exactly what 2PeasinaPod said. You are thanking them for attending, for witnessing and celebrating your marriage. Any gft is simply extra, so everyone should receive a thank you note.
But yes, it does seem odd and very disappointing that your MIL hasn’t even given you a congratulatory card. You never know, your thank you note might jog her memory and prompt her to send you both something.
Post # 5
@ 2peasinapod — I checked out Miss Manners and she said, only guests who bring a gift should get a thank you note. It was also written, I don’t know if by her or someone else, that guests should write a note to the bride and groom and thank us for having them to our celebration.
Post # 6
I’m pretty hard core about thank you note etiquette in general but I actually very much disagree that you should send every person a thank you note. The reception you hosted where you provided them with free food and drink is the thank you for attending your wedding. That’s why we have receptions. A thank you note following the wedding should be for recognition of a gift. Guests are absolutely NOT required to give you a gift, but you should not feel obligated to send a thank you note to someone who did not. Especially his mom. I think it’s pretty awkward to thank your own mom for attending your wedding…
Post # 7
@Moose1209: I can see your point and I did check Emily Post and found that in the updated wedding etiquette, thank you notes are, in fact only for:
- Anyone who gives you an engagement, shower or wedding gift, even if you have thanked them in person. Individual notes should be written to people who contributed to a group gift.
- Anyone who gives a gift of money: cash, checks, contributions to savings accounts and donations to charities. Mentioning the amount is optional, but it does let the person know the correct amount was received. You should mention what you plan to do with the money.
- Your attendants. A warm personal note attached to your gifts to your attendants will let them know how much you appreciate their efforts and support on your behalf.
- Anyone who hosted a party or shower for you. Ideally these notes should be written within two days of the event. Each host or hostess should be thanked individually with a note and a thank you gift.
- People who house or entertain your wedding guests. A note and a small gift should be sent to anyone who houses or entertains out-of-town wedding guests.
- People who do kindnesses for you. The neighbor who accepts delivery of your gifts when you are at work; the cousin who supervises the parking at the reception – anyone who assists you before, during or after your wedding.
- Suppliers and vendors. You don’t have to write everyone you hire for services, but anyone who exceeds your expectations will appreciate a courteous note of thanks.
- Your parents or whoever is hosting your wedding.
With that said though, I would still send a thank you note as I think that regardless of etiquette, it is a nice gesture and as I said before, perhaps MIL truly did intend to send a check or gift and it slipped her mind. The note thanking her for attending, being supportive and for raising the man of your dreams is a nice gesture in and of itself and would likely make MIL’s day. I would definitely do it, but I guess that per the current societal rules, it is not necessary.
Post # 8
I agree with Moose1209. Why would you thank someone for attending a party you threw? It would be like writing a thank you note to people who came to a dinner party you hosted. Nice, I suppose, but definitely not necessary.
But if you want to write a thank you note to his mom, I don’t think that would be a bad thing, just to thank for any kind of support she gave through the process. And that might be nice so she doesn’t feel embarrassed when other people talk about the nice thank you notes. But it sounds like you don’t want to send her a card, so I don’t think you should feel the need to.
Post # 9
@east coast bride: That’s pretty weird, although if your MIL has mentioned it to your husband that she intends to write you a check… maybe she just doesn’t have the money yet or hasn’t quite gotten around to it. We actually just received another registry gift last night, so you never know.
I can sympathize, my dad had told us he would be gifting us with a new TV which hasn’t yet materialized… and I’m not holding my breath. 🙂
Post # 10
I would send her a thank-you note thanking her for being there at the wedding to support both of you. I know that this may not be required by etiquette. But please, put all ettiquette technicalities aside for a moment, think about the relationship here. This is your MIL & your husband’s mother! If her friends are receiving the note with picture, she may feel left out. Do you really want to create waves in your relationship over something as petty as whether or not she gave you a gift? This is something you’ll probably forget before too long but, this relationship will last a lifetime. I encourage you to do the compassionate thing, overlook etiquette technicalities, and reach out to her with a note and kind card.
Post # 11
Thanks for checking Emily post! Mother-in-law had not been supportive and on the few occasions that I do see her, she says little snippy comments to me. She did nothing for our wedding, not call to see how wedding planning was going, not have a shower for me (which some out of state mother-in-laws do) not send an engagement card. She hardly smiled at all the day of our wedding and some people even mentioned it to me! I am in a very weird position right now. One of husband’s brothers and family gave us a gift and one didn’t, so I only sent a thank note to the brother that did. Maybe she is doing the “you have 1 year to give a gift” thing?
Post # 12
@PumpkinSpiceChai: Agree totally. You probably don’t technically need to send her a thank-you (and it’s a tough/weird situation!), but she’s your MIL. I would send her a thank-you, so she gets the same one her fiends have received since it sounds like they are likely to chat about it, and include a personal message to her, even if not a “thank you for the wedding gift”.
Post # 13
I wouldn’t send her one. It’s been five months now and nothing? Is she normally late with her regular gift giving? No excuse, but sometimes family think they have an indefinite amount of time to ‘catch up’ on gifts.
My SIL’s Mother gave less than most guests and sent it a month later. His sister and brother gave nothing (not even a card). When he asked me if it was necessary to send Thank You cards to his siblings, I told him to do what he felt comfortable doing. He didn’t send them.
I seriously doubt this slight is something you’ll ever forget, and I wouldn’t either.
Post # 14
@east coast bride: No kidding?? Who knew! I never once sent a thank you note to the bride and groom for having us at their wedding, but I guess maybe the gift and card we give them sort of covers that?
We did still thank everyone for attending anyway. I felt that it was polite since a lot of people traveled pretty far for our wedding and stayed over, so that was more than enough of a gift for us.
Post # 15
We only sent TY cards to people who gave us a gift.
MIL signed her moms card to us which included $200. DH made a remark that the money was from the grandmother only so per your question, no MIL didn’t get us anything. We still sent each a TY card.
Let your DH decide…it is his mother.
Post # 16
Yeah, I hate to say this but I wouldn’t send her a note. We’ve pretty firmly established that thank you notes are only for gifts, not simple attendance. And seriously, if she didn’t do anything to help with the wedding and you not only hosted her at the reception but picked up the tab for her hotel too? She actually owes you a note.
If she were very worried about your relationship with her, she would have least gotten you a card with nothing inside. She seems pretty unconcerned, so I don’t get why it’s your job to go above and beyond.