Post # 1
So I got married last October. My maid of honor was my sister. Due to chasing the kdis around the house she said she left the card and the check for our gift at home. No biggie, people forget things.
Around christmas she told me (without me asking) they wanted to use the check on christmas gifts for family instead because money was tight. But she says she ‘has a year to get you a gift’ so no big deal. They bought their kids and my father ipads. Fast forward 9 months. No card.
I’m really not trying to be gift grabby as we got lovely gifts from family. But I can’t help being put out that after I paid for her dress, her hotel room so she could put the kids up for the night to party, and her hair and makeup-I don’t even get a card. Not a thank you card or a congrats on getting married card. Everytime she and her husband goes on and on about something they bought for herself or someone else , I get furious that she couldn’t spend $1 on a card. And this isn’t some 18 year old girl-this is a 40 year old woman.
This makes me feel awful. It should have been about her standing up next to me on the big day and sharing that moment, but I still can’t help being hurt about not receiving even a card. Esp when compared to the amount she spent on my brother and my uncle who both got married the year before me. My dad knows and is quite upset, my mother is giving her the benefit of the doubt until October and then plans to rip into her. Which I don’t want as that just makes the situation worse.
Help, I’m feeling totally selfish and hurt and angry and frustrated all at once.
Post # 3
Let. It. Go.
I will never understand why people are so petty about gifts. Ugh. She’s your sister. She was STANDING NEXT TO YOU when you got married. And you’re upset that she didn’t give you a card?
No one owes you a gift.
Post # 4
I call shenanigans on your sister. If moneys tight you don’t buy iPads (multiple?! Geez!) for Christmas. That’s when everyone gets jammies, a video game and a couple toys. Not $500 tablets.
As for the wedding gift, there’s nothing that you can do so you just have to let it go. It would be nice if our families are as generous as we are with them but unfortunately that’s not always the case. Oh well.
Post # 5
@ElbieKay: Well thanks for making me feel worse. If you read what I said- I feel awful about these feelings already. But you know-way to keep it supportive, helpful and not petty at all./sarcasm
I have a right to be upset about someone who is close to me-who has showered gifts upon everyone else she knows, who I went out of my way to accomodate at my wedding-didn’t bother send a $1 thank you card. This is the same person who sends out reminders about her birthday coming up so she can get presents. Who snarks on anyone who doesn’t get her kids a present for their birthdays. Standing next to me for 15 minutes doesn’t excuse her bad behavior.
Post # 6
It sounds like she making excuses. While it’s inconsiderate I would just let it go, but if it is really going to eat at you, just address once and tell her your feelings are hurt to get it off your chest.
Post # 7
@lolo7835: You asked, she answered. What she said was right in that no one is required to give a wedding gift.
You’re better off letting it go. If she said she’d give you something within a year, you’ve still got time, yes? And if she doesn’t give you a gift, she’s still your sister. A $100 check is not worth you being so upset, and possibly messing with how you feel about your sister for the rest of your life.
Post # 8
I totally understand where you’re coming from. I wouldn’t be able to “let it go” very easily either. It’s easier said than done to let something like this go…
I agree with TwoCityBride that you should talk with her about it, in a non-confrontational way, maybe over a coffee, and just let her know how you feel.
Post # 9
I totally understand your feelings. I often find myself doubting how others spend their money (does that friend of the family, who has no retirement savings, really need that giant fancy house with the pool??? does my sister really need a private nanny?). And especially when it comes to how their choices affect ME – “does my SO really need to purchase that new tech-toy, instead of purchasing a decent bed for his apartment so we’d be more comfortable when we spend the night together there?” But those are selfish thoughts, and they bring me no closer to empathy/peace/happiness in my relationships. What makes me feel more at peace with those around me is to remind myself that we all have different priorities.
Maybe it hurts that your sister bought her kids ipads with the money that would have been your wedding gift. I get that – I really do. But maybe her internal logic is telling her that the kids will use the ipads to further their education, or to keep in touch with her when they’re out with friends, or to appease their constant whining/begging for them. Or maybe she’s lonely and depressed and buying presents for her own kids is the way to make herself feel momentarily less pained. Who knows what her reasoning is, and what circumstances led to her decision! But it must make sense to her that the ipads were a bigger priority than your wedding gift, and if you love your sister, you need to accept her faults and the fact that she has disappointed you, and that she has her own priorities and expectations. Maybe she thinks you’re well off and don’t need her gift. Or maybe she saw all the awesome gifts that other family members gave you, and thought that they were better than what she had received herself and is struggling with jealousy and therefore can’t bring herself to be generous with you. And maybe she’d lke to get you a very thoughtful card without the cash – but let’s face it – she probably thinks that you’d be insulted to receive a card without the gift/check, so that is holding her back from doing even that much for you.
I think that to love the people in our lives, and to allow ourselves to focus on our own happiness, we have to learn to accept disappointments and try to empathize with the other person. When my sister got married, I was her MOH, and not yet graduated from college – my exams were the week before the wedding, and I was super-stressed and though I did other preparations for the wedding, a present wasn’t even on my radar! I had never been to a wedding, and I honestly didn’t know what sorts of gifts were expected – and I was totally focused on the things I needed to DO for her, rather than things/money I should be giving her. I’m sure I did something very small – maybe only a card (I don’t remember at this point – it was a decade ago). But I gave freely of my time/energy to make her day special. I spent ages writing and practicing my toast. I researched streets and directions and drove her everywhere she needed to go that morning (makeup, hair, hotel, ceremony). I helped make DIY decorations, and I helped Mom make the cake. I even held my sister’s wedding dress out of the way while she peed in the bushes right before the ceremony (no bathrooms in the park she had chosen for the wedding!). She’s my sister, and I love her to pieces, and I would have been CRUSHED if I ever thought that she held it against me that I didn’t put enough thought/cash into the gift. Our relationship is so much more than that, and I hope you can focus on your relationship with your sister that way, too.
Post # 10
^^^Yes, yes, a hundred times yes!
She WAS there for you. That is all that matters. Take a step back, come at this again from a place of love and patience. Imagine yourself as your sister any consider why she would chose to buy christmas presents for her family instead of giving you your card and money. It was on her mind in December, it is probably still on her mind. She might be comfortable with the fact that the WAS there for you, she fulfilled her important role and stood by you.
Post # 11
@HeathenSwan: Actually she was snarky and dismissive. Calling someone petty for being upset and shaming a person who has already stated that they are torn and guilty doesn’t help anyone. What my sister did hurt and I am allowed to be upset about that without someone calling me ‘petty’ or yelling Ugh. and she was STANDING NEXT TO YOU at me. There’s a way to give advice without being rude and shaming.
Much like @whydoesithurt ‘s advice. That was awesome and really put it into perspective for me. Thank you.
Post # 12
@lolo7835: I get where you’re coming from. I’d be hurt too.
It’s not about the gift. It’s about the thought. And it’s very VERY difficult to let go that someone didn’t think enough about you to give you a card to mark your marriage….let alone if that someone is your sister (ouch!). If it’s the thought that counts, there wasn’t any here…and that’s what sucks.
The whole “no one is required to give you a gift” comment when people are obviously feeling horrible that someone they care about “forgot” them is pretty harsh. No one is required to give a gift at a wedding, call you when something bad happens, or put effort into a friendship/relationship….but holy crap, it hurts when you care about someone and they do something that lets you down. Unless someone is screaming about how they demanded $100 from each guest or is complaining about how the gifts they got weren’t good enough, I don’t understand why it’s not okay to say “hey…it hurt my feelings that my sister didn’t give me a CARD for my wedding”.
Tell your mom you’re uncomfortable about the situation and you’re trying to forget about it. If she decides to talk to your sister about it, that’s on her and not you. You’re going to have to try to move past this, because you definitely don’t want to feel hurt about this forever.
Post # 13
I don’t think its as much about the gift as the sentiment. I feel the same way about our wedding. Invites just went out. I’m hearing lame excuses from people that haved chosen to spend their money on things clearly more important to them then attending my wedding.
FSIL is not coming, because its too much money to buy a flight (about $400). But she has money ($10,000) to build an indoor horse arena, and host friends from all over, etc.
Also, FI’s niece (who never sent us thank you cards for gifts (multiple times) for her new baby). They have been to Hawaii, Mexico, and flew out of town for a friends wedding, but can’t come to ours. Of course, I knew her priorities were a mess when she wouldn’t come to her grandfathers funeral because her friend was getting married that weekend.
It just hurts that people you think should care about you, place their priorities elsewhere.
Post # 14
@lolo7835: it sounds to me like you’re upset because YOU would never not give your sister a wedding gift, or at least a card. and i get that – i’ve been to and in countless weddings, showers, christenings, communions, the list goes on and on. and i’ve done my best to give my time, energy, and money in all these situations, not because they are important to me, or important in the long run – but because they are important to my friends/family members at the moment. and now, planning my own wedding, i hear crickets. the phone doesn’t ring, there are no gifts, no interest, etc.
my point is, i don’t think you sound gift grabby – but you are expecting FROM her what you would do FOR her. and the reality is, in my experience, that will just leave you bitter. everyone is different. just let it go, learn from it, and adjust your expectations (and maybe you’re own actions) moving forward. she’s your sister, and that’s not going to change. so just love her for what she is and forget what she isn’t. i don’t think getting the gift at this point will make you feel any better about it. does that make sense?
Post # 15
@Sheepshead: wow, that comment although I’m sure well meant sounded like it was some sort of overdue bill. I wouldn’t want it if she waited the year. It would seem like, oh boy, time is running out, have to pay that bill.
Post # 16
I think your sister is being rude and cheap!