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Perhaps she has something in mind within the year to give to you. Send her a thanks for coming card. If she never gives a gift, that's the way it is. Nothing to talk about.
Here is the thing, there is no rule that says you have to give a gift/money to a bride and groom. Sure it is nice but should not be expected.
I don't think there's really a way to say anything without being rude/looking gift grabby. Do you have mutual friends? Can you mention it to one of your other friends, and maybe they can mention it to her? I know how you feel though, we didn't get gifts or even cards from two or three people--one of whom was my bridesmaid!!
There's no polite way to approach her about it. We had a few gifts that straggled in late, and a couple of people who attended that did not give us a gift. There's not much you can do.
Keep in mind the etiquette is that you have a year to send a gift.
I hear you on this! I got married in August and didn't get a gift from a couple whose wedding I have tomorrow - I ended up getting them something but I didn't want to! They had to travel for my wedding and vise versa.
There isn't really a way to approach it unfortunatley.
We had a bunch of people attend our wedding and not give a gift. Some of them were from OOT, others were local. But I feel like attending the wedding is actually the equivalent of giving a card, I always get so confused why people say "They didn't even give us a card!" unless you mean stuffed with a check.
There's not much you can do without looking gift grabby. Even if you honestly thought they bought you a gift and it just got lost, you can't say anything. You have to wait for them to ask if you received it, then you can say "Oh no we didn't, what did you send?"
Gift giving, while usually expected, is not required. It is a nice gesture but by no means are the guests required to give a gift. Keep that in mind.
Don't say anything to her about it. It's unfortunate that she didn't reciprocate your generocity but you can't really say anything to her. Sometimes we give and we don't get in return. Gifts should never be expected.
Yeah, don't mention anything. We had a chunk of our guests not give gifts (personally I never though anyone would attend a wedding w/o a gift at all) but being on this site and based on my own experience, it happens at almost every wedding, and is actually common.
I JUST got a gift for my wedding...which was 10 months ago!! And it was from a (notoriously late and flaky) bridesmaid...It might just be she hasn't gotten to it yet!
I also have some good friends who have not given gifts and I would be shocked if they did...Some people just don't see the gift as an essential item (sadly :) )
I will fully admit that I'm flaky when it comes to wedding gifts. I always give money but sometimes I forget to buy the card ahead of time to bring to the reception. Therefore, I usually have to mail it. And yes, it does take me forever to mail things. I can't explain why. Unfortunately, that's just how I operate. I've been known to give wedding gifts 5-6 months late b/c it just slips my mind.
So yes, while it's true that no one is required to give a gift like PP's have said, she could just be flaky like me.
Which reminds me, yes Lola, if you read this post, your gift's still coming!!!
I woudn't say anthing. You aren't entitled to a gift. The fact that you hosted her generously means that you are a good host, but she isn't required to give you anything other then her well wishes on your day. The gift isn't an admission price to attend.
@RainStorm: That's how I felt. :) I had several people not get gifts or cards for us. I sent them all "Thank You for coming" cards, and was thankful that they'd been there to help us celebrate!
We had a lot of people who didn't give us gifts. They got "thanks for coming" cards, and that's that. It was odd though, the people who didn't give gifts... never would have expected some of them..
Thanks for replying!
Just to clarify, I definitely understand that there are circumstances where people don't give gifts and I'm not interested in a gift just to get a gift.
Personally, I would never attend an event (whether it's a wedding, dinner at someone's house or being hosted overnight) without bringing something. Cost is irrelevant and to me it's about acknowledging an occasion. Yes, she attended and celebrated and that's wonderful, but it does feel like an insult.
It would be the same thing if she sent us a gift and we "forgot" to send a thank you note. It's just not respectful. And, it's also not respectful for me to ask her either.
Regardless of the "nobody has to give a gift" theory of etiquette, not giving a gift is in bad taste. The cousin who flew across country to get here need not give a gift, but a card really would have been PERFECT. And the step sister who was driven here and had her hotel room paid for by my father-in-law (and then caused some drama)-- ugh.
Everyone knows gifts aren't a rule but cards are for us. I would be really offended if someone didn't at least give us a card-that is what I am looking forward to!
After my dad passed away in February, I got two cards. Yup. Two. One from his good friends and one from my auntie. Don't get me wrong, I had lots of people email me or msg me on fb but it really means something to me about cards. It symbolizes some sort of effort, respect, consideration for me and it's really important. I can't help it but I felt really sad about the lack of cards.
I think that if the same happens at the wedding, I am going to cry. lol
I'm probably in the minority, but I think that attending and not giving a gift is rude. Heck, I think not attending and not giving a gift is rude. As long as I'm invited, I give a present regardless of whether I'm able to attend or not.
@elliegraye: People get so lazy with email and Facebook. Over the years I have gotten better about sympathy cards, and send them even if I go to the wake or sit shiva. But, it took me years to figure out how this was the right thing to do.
@shaunna: I agree it is rude, but I agree with previous posters - you can't say anything about it without looking rude yourself.
I like the idea of sending a card that says thanks for coming - she will get the idea that you didn't receive a gift if she had sent one that never arrived.
I wouldnt say anything it will make you look greedy. Even ungrateful that she ws at your event! Maybe there is one to come later and maybe there wont be, but in reality we shouldnt invite people for the gifts. it sucks tho.. bc she is a long time friend. I can see where your what the heck feeling is coming from.
It sucks that she didnt even send you a card. Like PP said, maybe its comming later. But I also agree with everyone that the point of the wedding is not gifts. I would just be grateful that the person came to celebrate with us and not harp on the fact that i did not recieve a gift. You are married and had a great wedding and your good friend came to celebrate the day with you. Leave it at that and let it go.
There's no non-rude way to approach this with your friend. Maybe she just forgot the card or planned to send it after the wedding.
Both FI and I were in our best friends wedding a few years ago. In an attempt to not forget anything bridesmaid and groomsmen related, we accidently left their card (which included a generous check) on our kitchen table. They left for their HM immediately after their wedding and, due to scheduling conflicts, about 5 months passed before we saw them again to give them the card.
While I agree that gifts and/or money should not be expected, I think it would of been nice to give a card of congratulations. It just seems lame to me to not even give you at least a card. It doesn't even have to be an expensive card, like $2.00 at most.
It feels so grubby to say, but I was also surprized at the people who didn't give a gift or a card. A number of them were at my shower so maybe they were giving a combined gift then?
Although I like gifts, I think a large part of this is how monumental an occasion a wedding is to the couple. We felt overwhelmingly supported by all who attended, but it's also nice to have those few sentiments written down in a card to look at after the wedding.
But yes, nothing we can do, except now that I have gone through a wedding I think I will be more sensitive to the needs and feelings of others getting married.
How to approach? There is no approach. They didn't get you a gift, and that's the end of the story. Personally I think it's really rude to attend someone's wedding and not give any gift (I know some disagree with me, but we can agree to disagree), but how much ruder would it be to say "Hey, why didn't you get me a gift?" Be the bigger person. You know how to be generous, and she doesn't.
@Sassygrn: I disagree, etiquette generally says that you are supposed to cover the cost of your plate, either with a gift or money. I would never show up to a wedding with nothing!
@FutureMrsSitler: Cite?Where and when (other than from posters on other wedding boards, who may be misinformed) has etiquette said that a guest should cover the cost of her plate?
I am pretty sure that where and when "etiquette" (in the person of Peggy Post) came up with the rule that an invitation constitutes an invoice in the amount of One (1) Wedding Gift regardless of whether you accept or decline the invitation -- and I'm very sure she didn't think that one through, and equally sure that neither George Routledge nor her gramma Emily had anything to do with that ruling.
Traditional etiquette holds that refined people do not discuss other people's finances nor speculate about how much they paid for things, including not speculating about the cost of catering at social functions.
@FutureMrsSitler: And where is this from? Because from every etiquette I have ever read on wedding NOTHING was ever said the bride and groom should expect a gift to cover the cost of their guests plate.
@imhere4thefood: I completely understand your sentiments. I don't think it makes you greedy if you're upset that a friend didn't bother getting a gift! Everyone likes to say that gifts aren't required, etc, etc, but the fact is, most people give and expect wedding gifts as a polite gesture. So if the overwhelming majority of your guests got you gifts, you're bound to wonder about the few that didn't, especially if there aren't mitigating circumstances like travel costs, financial problems, etc.
I agree with PP that there's not really a great way to bring it up (except maybe through a mutual friend?) It also might be a genuine oversight. I can tell you that for the 2-3 people who did not get us gifts, I did not approach them, but they weren't close friends either. We were a little upset about it but pretty quickly got over it and moved on with our lives.
Giving a gift should not be expected when attending a wedding. It does not matter how much you spend per person. 100 or 1000 dollars. A person comes to your wedding to share in the joy of you and your husband getting married, not to give you a toaster, blender, etc.
I'd be just happy that they thought enough of me to come.
@FutureMrsSitler: Honestly, nobody but you and the groom (and your parents, if they are helping you pay) should know the price you are being charged per plate.
We got plenty of gifts that were greater than the cost per plate, and many that were under the cost per plate.
People who came from great distances or have two children in college should not be giving expensive gifts. One of our guests who travelled across the country to get to our wedding gave us two blocks of chocolate. How clever was that? I love it!
A card, at the least, should have been given, but I would never, ever say anything about it.
The card could have gotten lost in the mail. (I've actually had a card from my sister delivered to me in college two years late...sometimes they get around to it.) Happened to me on the other end once for a wedding card - I emailed my friend to ask if she had received it, because the check had never been cashed. She was super polite and just said no and added that the mail is fickle. I was able to write out a new check for her then.
And then, they could be following the one year rule. My boyfriend, sigh, follows this because he is lazy, to the extent I bought the card and hunted up his friend's address (OOT wedding) and he STILL has yet to sign it. I think he has like 10 days to go now.
Or they could have not sent it at all.
In any event, there's nothing you can say or do. Send a "thank you for coming card" and leave it at that. A gift is...a gift, not an obligation.
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One of my good friends attended our wedding three months ago. Most of our guests were from out of town, but she was local so didn't have to pay for travel or hotel and we didn't receive a card or gift from her. We had a small (75 people), but pricey wedding ($160 p/p) and invited her short-term boyfriend as well. She's been married before so understands the etiquette and I was in her wedding and gave her a generous and thoughtful gift. Money is not an issue for her and even so, couldn't she have sent us a card?
I'm really surprised as I view giving a gift as another way of acknowledging this important step.
It could be possible that she sent something that we didn't receive, but I'm not sure how to approach.
Any ideas?