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My fiance and I were married last weekend and we had 10 guests give us nothing, not even a card. I don't mean to sound rude or snobbish. I know gifts aren't necessary and some people don't have money right now, but they could have atleast picked up a 99 cent card! My fiance and I paid for everything ourselves. Our guests were searved a beautiful sit down meal and had top self open bar all night. Several of the guests that didn't give a gift have since called us to let us know it was the nicest wedding they have ever been to and it leaves us to think...I bet, you ate and drank for free all night. So do I send them a thank you card? Thanking them for attending?
Sorry if I sound like a huge brat. My feelings are just a little hurt that these people couldn't even take the time to write us a message in a card.
I would not send them a thank you...unless its a thank you for being so thoughtless!! I totally agree with the way you feel, FI and I are paying for the wedding ourselves as well and I would be so mad if people did that to us!!
don't get too insulted yet. there may be a gift or a card coming, sometimes people send these things AFTER the wedding :)
I haven't sent my gift yet for my friend's wedding last week - I traveled cross country for it, so I didn't want to bring it along, and I've been busy since I got back. I sure hope she's not stewing in her apartment right now, though really, all of the manners books and sites say if you give a gift, you have up to a year. Why do you feel so upset about it? You invited them for their presence, not their presents, right?
We had that happen as well. Lots of people send gifts after the wedding. We received gifts as recently as last week (over two months after the wedding). So I wouldn't get upset quite yet. Ultimately there will be people who didn't get you anything. Maybe they travelled, or couldn't afford it, or just didn't think about it. I know that is poor manners and you know it. Feeling a little hurt is natural. BUT, you're only option is to find a way to accept it graciously. At least publicly, to your husband and here of WB you can admit to being angry. No one is going to judge that!
COngratulations on your brand new marriage. And on picking such an excellent wedding day (my birthday!) On behalf on your non-card giving guest, I'll wish you a lifetime of love and happiness together!
well there is teh one year rule, was your wedding unconventional? maybe they thought the same etiquette didnt apply
I wouldn't worry too much yet. In our group of friends and family, it's pretty common to send a gift up to a month or two after the wedding. And hardly anyone brings cards to the wedding. So maybe you will still be getting something. But don't send a thank you note until you do!
Yes, I would send them a thank you card letting them know how wonderful it was to have them there to celebrate and support your marriage. That's the important part, right? :)
From reading around Weddingbee, it's clear that many gifts and cards come in after the wedding-- you may still get gifts from these guests. I just sent my friend who got married on Aug 22nd a gift yesterday, because I forgot to leave the envelope with cash in her card box on the wedding day.
They still have a year to give something.They might have had to wait till they got paid. A lot of people are living paycheck to paycheck in these hard times.
Give them the benefit of the doubt: maybe the forgot the gift after they started travelling or it's in the mail...
But, no thank you note is needed...at the moment for those who didn't give you a gift.
One was a groomsmen & his fiance (late 20's)
One was a bridesmaid & her fiance (guess we don't have to give them anything next year?) (late 20's)
One was a good friend that actually did a reading at the wedding (30's)
Some family (older)
Some coworkers (one 25 years old, and a couple in their 40's)
I've said this before- but we still haven't gotten gifts from a 1/3 of our guests. Give them some time, you just got married last weekend.
they may be sending large gifts, I understand its hard to lug huge gifts at the wedding
I think you need to just relax and enjoy being married - would having an extra serving spoon make you happier newlyweds? Enjoy the summer before it's over..
A couple of thoughts -
*Some people wait until the couple is back from the honeymoon to give presents. They know thieves watch the wedding announcement page in the newspaper.
*I think you are going through a sort of post-partum "party's over" let down. I love Holiday parties so I throw my own cocktail party in early Feb when everyone is bored with winter and no fun social events to attend.
*Some people are far more broke than you think. The wedding dinner you gave them may have been the best meal they had in many months.
You might say that you know these people and they are fine. Lots of people are making ends meet with credit cards for things like groceries and dental bills while putting on a brave face.
My degree is in psychology. I have been hearing thru the grapevine that thousands of people in the US have committed suicide this year because of financial failure.
The families cover it up out of love for the victim and the desire to protect the family's reputation and privacy.
I know one fellow who seriously considered suicide last winter then help came very unexpectedly so he didn't lose his house and the few pennies left in his bank account. It will take a few years to pay off his CCs, though. (He is kind and frugal so the problems truly are due to the economy.)
Things are far more ugly out there than you think. It's hard to remember that when we are happy and in love.
Enjoy your new DH and life as a wife!
Give them time, but honestly, I think maybe no expectation of a gift from the wedding party members or from the reader. They may have thought that their presence in the wedding was present enough. As a bmaid I always give as generously as my purse allows but different strokes for different folks.
I do understand your frustration, a card that says "Congratulations on your wedding" costs 99 cents. I really don't think there is much excuse for not getting a card (especially if there is no check or gift forthcoming).
I'm not stressing over it. Just wondering what everyone though regarding sending thank you notes. It's definetly NOT keeping me up at night. I had a beautiful wedding and lots of fun! Looking forward to relaxing on my honeymoon in a week and a half!
I'm glad to see you're not stressing. There were lots of people who didn't give us gifts. Yes, it's a letdown, but they probably have their reasons and I was a little giddy with the sudden influx of stuff. I'm not counting, but I'd estimate at least 15-20%. I would still give them gifts when the time comes, though, and no - I did not send thank you notes. I think the reception and favors were thanks enough, as well as a heartfelt "so glad you are here today."
you just pointed out that your bridesmaid didn't get you a gift? i'd say that her standing up there with you supporting you on and before your big day is quite a gift, am i wrong? unless you paid for all of her expenses as a bridesmaid, i'd say you're a bit out of line to get upset over this. being a bridesmaid is rarely cheap. she should definitely get a thank you card.
To bellamargot
I paid for the bridesmaids dresses, shoes and jewelry. I gave her a thank you card (for being in the wedding) and gift the night of my rehearsal dinner. I dont think it's too much to ask for a card from her saying congrats!
I would send a thank you note to those in the bridal party thanking them for their support and help through out the whole planning process and on the day of.
I wouldn't send a thank you card to the other ones. Thank you cards are for thanking for a gift. Your thank you for people's precense was feeding them and liquoring them up.
http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/need-help-with-bridesmaid-gifts
oops...i read that and assumed they paid for everything other than $30 worth of shoes and jewelry. i guess i was just still puzzled as to why you would even mention that your bridesmaid didn't get you a card or gift. maybe we don't know all the facts...she could have been a bridesmaidzilla for all we know? i guess don't give her a gift or a card when she gets married if it makes you feel that much better.
She included the bmaid because I asked who didn't give her anything. I still stand by my opinion that the bmaid could have dropped a card to say congrats!
I think that focusing on things like this has the unfortunate side effect of making you unhappy. Several of my bridesmaids didn't get what you would consider a gift. But they showed up and stood there with me and calmed my nerves. I consider that more than enough.
Also, we're a month and a half out and we got a present yesterday. So out of the 10 guests you are talking about now, I would suspect that half of them will get you something.
Maybe it will help you refocus if you concentrate on the fact that the real gift, and the real purpose of your whole wedding was that you are now married to the best person in the world for you. The more you think about not getting stuff, the worse you'll make yourself feel. But you have control over what you want to dwell on, and it might be helpful if you shifted your attentions elsewhere.
i understand your frustration. about 1/4 of our guests did not bring gifts (or cards). none of the GMs or BMs gave gifts, but they traveled and paid for their own dresses, shoes, hair...so I wasnt expecting a gift from them. It was wierd from everyone else though. Especially the recently married or those planning a wedding. i only sent thank you cards to people that sent a gift. i did not thank people for coming, that was why i paid for them to eat and drink. in general, dont let it upset you too much. some people are just not going to give you a gift, for whatever reason. especially the younger people...
the whole 1 year thing is unlikely to happen. if you dont see gifts in the next 3 months, you probably wont. just vent on WB and let it go. I know I vented to some people outside of WB and they were mortified I was miffed about not receiving gifts.
I can see how some people would be offended by my venting. Again, I'm not stressing or staying up all night thinking about this. I was just wondering everyones thoughts and if this has happened to you. Thank you for your comments.
We got a check last week for our mid-June wedding and somebody who RSVPd and was a no-show gave a gift to my MIL to give us like, barely 2 weeks ago.
I don't think you are out of line at all in your thinking!
Prior to my wedding, I would see posts like this and think to myself things that have been said above, such as their presence is gift enough, you should never expect a gift, etc.
Then, I got married, and a good handful of guests still have yet to send even a congratulatory card. I had a beautiful wedding, and I of course am thrilled that they were there to celebrate with us - but I cannot deny feeling a bit put off and surprised. Now that I am on the other side of things, it has really hit me that I am a bit hurt that they would not even acknowledge their congratulations and appreciation in a card or gift. True, they could be running late with things, but we have to admit that the further we get from the wedding day, the slimmer the chance of receiving a belated card.
As you send - it certainly doesn't keep me up at night, but I think no matter how nice each of us is about it and doesn't want to say it out loud - we expected something!
You don't need to write a thank you note to thank people for coming. Feeding them dinner (etc.) is the thank you for attending.
Maybe it's cultural, but I don't understand the "presence is present" sentiment... I totally understand why you're annoyed. It's rude to show up to someone else's party empty-handed, and I don't know why that should be any different for a wedding.
I often send the gift way after the wedding. I like to follow up with the bride later and see what she really wanted but didn't get, then I buy that. But I have almost never bought a gift in time for the wedding or even a week later. Perhaps my manners aren't the best, but this is just to say that I agree with many other posters: don't get upset yet!
I don't know that I would send a thank you card if a gift hasn't come but I wouldn't hold it against them either. Some people just send gifts after the wedding or then if you wait it might end up slipping their mind. I think usually cards accompany gifts, I would have a hard time imagining someone just writing a congratulations card, especially if they came to your wedding and congratulated you or at least celebrated with you there.
Also, I am going to put this out there, even though I am not entirely comfortable with the decision: last year my fiance and I went to a wedding in a remote town across the country. Because the place was near no major airports, it cost a fortune to get there: our airfare alone was $1,600 for the two of us, much less all the other costs. We didn't get the couple a present, because we were just feeling totally strapped for cash by the end of it. We did send them a card on their one year anniversary last month.
I wouldnt send a thank you card, but would keep in mind that they may send a gift later. We still have gifts being mailed and its been over 2 months since our wedding. You dont know their financial situtation, maybe they could not afford a gift at the moment and wanted to wait until they could. Plus some people realize its actually a hassle to bring gifts to the wedding and want to mail it instead. You could get a nice surprise soon in the mail :)
Honestly, I would not expect to see a present from any of my BM's aside from if they got me something at my shower. Things are expensive and them being there is enough for me.
I wouldn't worry about it. We had about 20 people not give us gifts. We were told by a few that we could expect a gift on the 364th day. :) We just got a gift yesterday and got married a month ago.
I was married 2 weeks ago and have had some thank you cards made (a post card made with a picture of hubby and i holding a large Thank You poster from the wedding day). Im just about to start writing them, but came across a dilemma...
Ive been reading this interesting discussion for ideas - how / am i supposed to thank people who didnt even give a card? We said no gifts were necessary. but if they wanted to, they could contribute to the wishing well at the reception. So Im not complaining about lack of gifts - just lack of cards!
25/90 guests didnt even give a card (bridal party/ hubby's boss + wife, relos, friends). So i totally understand @AugBride2009! A lot of them are aged between 20-35. We asked for no gifts, and expect no gifts (there is no habit of sending belated gifts here in Sydney). It would just be nice to know people appreciated being invited/sharing our special day. And a card would have been sufficient!!
I say you should send them a thank you card saying how much you appreciate them coming. Other than it just being polite, and like you said, how hard is it to jot something down? I've heard of a few instances of people saying "didn't you get my gift? I sent it to your house!" after they were only thanked for coming and not their gift. Or if they have a present but haven't gotten around to sending it yet it might prompt them to drop it in the mail. Whatever you decide to do though, just make sure they're sincere thank yous.
Would it be wrong to send a thank you note along the lines of it was wonderful to see you on our special day, we hope you enjoyed our meal, event, etc. and then perhaps follow that up with something along the lines of we have a few gifts that we do not know who they came from because a card is not attached - please let us know if one of these gifts is yours as we would like to propertly thank those individuals.
That way it indicates you have no record of a gift from them (even though it's a bit sneaky). If they did give a gift, they should be able to tell you what it was and if they didn't, they will know that you know they didn't and perhaps remedy the situation.
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