Weddingbee boards

I'd still give them a gift if it was their 2nd wedding. IMO so what if you gave them towels 10 years ago- towels wear out & I'd assume that if they divorced they no longer had the towels. I don't usually give gifts at a wedding- I give a card & either a check or a visa giftcard.  

I'm a second time bride and don't expect gifts from anyone, but I especially don't expect gifts from people who went to my first wedding...though it is kind of sucky for my FI, since it's his first wedding.

As for being awkward receiving them the second time around, well...my situation is weird, but my ex spitefully broke a bunch of the "first" gifts and threw out a bunch that couldn't be broken before he left.  So I still need to buy them again when I can afford it, and keeping track on a registry makes it really easy and you get the registry benefits.  Also, for half the guests it'll be a first wedding anyway so I don't feel bad about using a registry.  IMO, as long as one guest there wants to buy a gift in their price range and they want to use a registry to pick it, a registry is just fine and it's no different than a first wedding in that regard.

I'm an encore bride and I don't expect gifts (and I didn't expect them in my previous wedding either). But I do think that it's pretty judgmental of you not to value the second marriage as much as the first. In my situation, my first marriage was a short-lived mistake and I deeply regret it. Now I've found the love of my life and it's a completely different situation from previously. I would feel heartbroken if someone felt the way you did--oh, I'll come to your wedding and party and celebrate, but I don't feel it's worth a gift. If you feel that way then you shouldn't attend, IMO.

@littlelucygoose:  I'm confused.  Do you mean a 2nd wedding, as in one (or both) are divorced and are marrying again OR that the couple has been married and are now exchanging vows again and are throwing a big party?

If it's the first example, I would give again if I wanted to.  I would assume that I would want to because I cared enough about the person/peopel and was involved in their life/lives through both marriages.  

If it's a vow renewal, I would probably bring something that was the equal to a housewarming or dinner party gift- something to thank them for their hospitality but not as big as wedding present.

Yeah, I'm a little offended- and we're not even registering for various reasons, we'll be doing a donation.  Gifts for 3rd and 4th weddings?  Maybe not, but a 2nd?  Don't be judgy.  This will be my second wedding, and a few *very,very* close friends will be invited to this one that were also at the last one.  If I felt like they thought this wedding wasn't as "legit," or whatever as the last one, they wouldn't be coming.  What about people who have multiple baby showers for multiple kids?  Or people who have a birthday party every year- you know, the kind they invite you to because they really enjoy your presence, not your presents?

Also- did you think about the fact that the bride (or groom) is PAYING for your food and booze for a second time, too?  IMO, if you feel like this marriage doesn't deserve the same recognition you gave the last, you should politely decline the invitation.

I truly hope your first husband is your only, and that everything works out perfectly.  Just keep in mind that everyone isn't so lucky.

I'll stop before I make this conversation unproductive.

@littlelucygoose - it's not the gifts or no gifts thing.  It's rude that you're implying that because this is a second wedding, it doesn't deserve as much attention as the first.  If you're not a gift-gver, fine.  But if you would normally give a gift and wouldn't do so specifically because it's a second wedding, you're implying that you don't support it as much.  Or something.

I suspect you're not going to get much support on this post.

@littlelucygoose:  For me it's a hypothetical because I'm eloping. But I'm not focused on the gift itself, but the sentiment behind your decision not to give one. If I did host a wedding and someone didn't bring/send a gift I wouldn't be bothered at all. If I found out somehow that the person would have given a gift but for the fact that it was a second marriage? I would be hurt by the implication of that. That's what I'm saying.

ETA: I'm not eloping because I'm an encore, BTW. We're eloping because that's what my fiance wants, we're both very private people and it's perfect for us. Our friends and family have actually been somewhat disappointed that we aren't hosting a wedding, but they support us.

I can see both sides of the coin. For a second marriage, I'd be willing to do the same as a first, depending on the circumstances. (ex. If this is a second marriage for both and they are much older, then they are more likely to be in a better place than two younger people just starting out.) Mistakes happen, people change in unexpected ways, etc. I get that and understand.

However, once someone starts getting into the third and above marriages, I'd likely cut down the gift significantly and simply not attend. I get that mistakes happen, but at some point, it becomes a bit silly in my opinion. I say this as someone with two parents who had multiple marriages. Even at age 7, when my mom was getting married for the fourth time, I really didn't see a point in it. Fortunately, after the last divorce, she hasn't either. It's not that I don't wish her well in terms of relationships, but she has been able to focus more on herself, her family, and the grandkids by getting out of the multiple marriage cycle, so it's a good thing.

I realize that some may see it as me somehow "punishing" encore brides for my parents' mistakes, but I just don't want to be involved in that kind of drama at that point. I'm also very lucky that no one I'm close to has entered that cycle or shows any inclination to do so, so I admit that I have the luxury of feeling this way without actually having to balance those feelings against an important relationship.

@littlelucygoose:  I think what you're saying is that you're really judgmental. What people are telling you is that for many brides, the second marriage is more important/significant than the first. Certainly, at least as important. So why wouldn't a couple want to have their families and friends there to celebrate and share in their love and joy?

It sounds to me like you just have a hangup against divorce/remarriage. You feel it should be done quietly or in secret. There is definitely still a bit of a stigma against it in society. If you feel that way then that's legitimate, it's how you feel, but in that case don't go to the wedding.