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So I almost finished writing the thank you notes, and realized that neither of my girls got us a gift!! Our best man and groomsman both got us a gift, but my MOH and bridesmaid didnt!! And I had to pay for my own bachelorette party!!!!!!!!!
WTH? Is that normal? Did you girls get wedding gifts from your bridal party? I dont want to say anything to them, because really, what would I say "Where's my S*%t?" But I also feel really screwed. We payed for 4 nights of hotel for each bridal party member and 1 way air fare for each. We also got them bridal party gifts. The guys didnt make my hubby pay for the bachelor party, but my girls left me high and dry and I ended up paying MORE than everyone else that night because no one brought enough money. On top of that, my mom paid for a organized the ENTIRE bridal shower even though my MOH took credit for everything and acted like she put so much effort into it. She got invited last minute from Walmart, thats the only thing she did. My mom did all the decorating, food, drinks, games, party favors, etc.
What do you bees think I should do, if anything? Its not about the gift, but I didnt even get a card!!! And my MOH is playing hard to get whenever I try to talk to her and see how she is since I really havent talked to her too much since the wedding.
All advice is welcome!!!
Hmm...not even a card? Could it be that their gifts got lost?? Is that a possibility?
I suppose I would go about it one of three ways: (because there is no way that I would let the two most important female friends of my life get by with that kind of behavior)
*Jokingly ask them when/where you will be getting your belated gift for the wedding.
*Regretfully mention to them that you couldn't find their gift/card anywhere, and you are wondering if it was lost at the wedding/reception... and see what they say.
*Approach them and explain to them how upset you are that they didn't get you a gift. Be sure to explain that getting a gift isn't why you are upset, but the fact that they didn't do anything or say anything on a day that was so special to you.
I voted for "other". I would have said to say nothing and let it go, but I know there's no way I would be able to let something like that go. I would probably just wait and see what happens. None of the women in my bridal party have gotten a gift for us yet, but I'm about 99% sure that they're waiting to see what big items from our registry didn't get purchased by other guests. Hopefully your friends are doing the same thing...
@bride2bejc: It couldnt since it was a destination wedding, and no one mentioned it.... I guess had they mailed it, but I see 1 of them often enough that they wouldnt mail it.
Uhm... for the wedding I was in, I did get my friend a card... however, since I spent a ton of money on dress/shoes/hair/makeup/travel/bachelorette/shower/shower present, I don't think she expected a present. I don't expect one from anyone in my bridal party.
I understand they seemed to slack a bit on supporting you, and that sucks (I definitely did NOT slack in that for my friend), but I feel like there's no way you can approach it with them and have it end well- it may be just nice to let it go. If a guest doesn't bring a present, you still send a card and thank them for coming and celebrating with you.
I voted for other because the right thing to do would to be just to let it go; however, you and your mom basically paid for and planned almost everything, so I would say something, but it would be along the lines of asking them if you inadvertantly did anything to make them mad at you. Maybe they are just experiencing hard time; although, I do find it very strange that they didn't even get a card for you. They could have made you one or purchased one from the dollar store.
@redherring: My bridesmaid got us some napkin rings (that we werent registered for and will never use since they are SOO not our style, but rather very her style) for the shower, but my MOH didnt even get my a shower gift.
I feel really torn. I dont want to approach them and have them get upset, but I am disappointed that they didnt make any effort to even give us a card. I know that if I dont address it, I will also feel some resentment about it. My MOH's oldest daughter is my God-daughter, so I cant go on forever feeling like I get them gifts for EVERYTHING, and I dont even get a wedding gift once, but how can I possibly approach it without upsetting them?
Joking about it is a good way to go, but just like if someone did it to you, you can see through the "joke" and know they are serious. What to do, what to do.
They might have just been broke and couldn't afford a gift? I haven't gotten gifts for people whose weddings I was in, but I typically try very hard to help out where I can. They might just think it's not expected of them.
Well, the way I see it-- they paid a lot of money to be in the wedding and the more I talk to people the more people seem to think that that is their gift to the couple.
@IlsaLund: Totally agree about having spent so much money that a gift couldnt be expected. However, in my situation, we litterally paid for 75% of everything. Hotel, airfare, several meals, part of their dress costs, all hair and makeup was paid for by us, and the entire shower. They had maybe 4 meals (mostly breakfasts and lunches) to pay for and they had to pay their own way at the bachelorette (I paid for myself completely).
FI and I were both in our best friends wedding last year and in the commotion of trying to get everything together to bring to their wedding, we forgot the card at home. I ended up giving it to her like 4 months later, which was the next time I saw her.
Technically, guests do have up to a year after the wedding to send a gift. Maybe they honestly forgot to bring it, who knows...
@soontobekatieb: I think that was totally above and beyond of you to foot the bill. Probably they should have gotten you a present, or a card, or something. I just don't know if it's something that's approachable without a huge mess ensuing. 
@IlsaLund: Totally agreed. Thats why Im polling you guys. :) I dont want it to become an issue, and its sooo not worth creating one. And I dont expect a gift at all, but a card, even a phone call to just say congrats would have been nice.
@UpstateCait: Yes, they do have a year, and Im keeping that in mind. I guess Im just shocked. These are my best friends, who are basically sisters. Im the God-mother to one of thier children, so Im just suprised a card (or phone call) didnt happen.
Honestly, if I were in your shoes I would bring it up, but that's because my MOH is my sister, so I would demand to know WHY she couldn't even give me a card.
@CaitMarae has a point- it really is pretty hectic around the wedding, maybe they forgot.
However you approach it, I agree what you said earlier- don't make it a joke! Everyone can always see through those. :)
Did you have a destination wedding?
Because it might be a lot of expect a gift if they attended your wedding and had to travel to get there--I know you helped them pay for the hotel and 1-way airfare, but they did pay for the other way airfare, presumably took time off work, and perhaps bought dresses, shoes etc. etc. Did you pay for all their meals? Did you ask them to accompany you on excursions or other entertainment and did they have to pay their way for that? I was in one destination wedding...in Italy. The bride paid for my hotel but not for airfare or food (except for the actual wedding night) or entertainment. So with airfare, it was about $2k just for me to attend. I didn't get her a gift; she didn't expect one.
There was a recent thread on here about the cost of being a bridesmaid and how expensive it is--I've been one many times over and most of the time it's ranged between $500-$1300. That's a lot in and of itself. I think what I'm saying is before you get angry over this, calculate how much money it cost for them to be in your wedding.
My bottom line is, I don't think there's a real elegant way to ask someone "did you get me a present?" IF they did and it's lost, then they'll probably ask you about it.
i would probably not say anything
OR
if i really felt the need to mention something....next time they called you, i would mention that you were working on thank you cards from you wedding
@JennyW1: Our wedding was in Vegas. The only thing they paid for was 1/2 of their dress cost, some meals, and airfare to get home (although 1 of them drove and the money we gave her that was equal to 1 way airfare covered the gas with lots left over).
I want to be clear, I dont EXPECT a gift from anyone, bridal party or otherwise. Im not upset they didnt get us one, just surprised they didnt give us a card or phone call. I know that being in a wedding is expensive. Its really the lack of thought that is... bothersome. No congrats text message even. haha. Its not about the stuff, its about the thought.
I haven't gotten any bride whose wedding I've been in a gift because my serving as bridesmaid or moh IS the gift. I mean, shoes, dress, make up, hair, travel (they still had to pay one way home? That's expensive) shower gift, time off of work (even if paid they are using their own vacation days for your day), shower, bacherlorette party - and let me tell you, if any of them had called and asked, in so many words, where's my gift? I would have given them an earful, lol!
For the cheapest wedding I spent $800 and the most expensive I had to keep flying to NJ from FL where I was living PLUS spend all the regular stuff that I just listed and it was about $2500! So no, I'm not giving another check to the bride/groom or another thing off of the registry (since in addition to paying for the shower I also got a gift off of the registry) and in my sister's instance - no, not even a card. I was running around like crazy and never got a chance to get one. Instead I stood with her, got her dressed, calmed her, honored her by walking in her wedding, kissed, hugged, stood for pictures while completely missing cocktail/food for hours - I think Hallmark has nothing on that. It's a card - people throw them away. My being there for her better be worth more than a $4 card from CVS for Gods sake.
Sorry - really had to get that off of my chest. I can't believe how many brides expect their BMs and MOH to do more, more and then more on top of that for them. It's just a card and I don't think they need to give more money on top of whatever they have spent to be in your wedding unless the cost was $0. I do understand that you were a pretty terrific bride with helping so much with all of the costs but please understand that sometimes while racing around and trying to sort work/school/relationships away while getting ready for your wedding that little things like a card may get overlooked. They may assume that standing there with you on your big day would mean more. Plus, why would they text you when they were actually there the whole time? I guess it never occured to me to have to, after serving my maidly duty, now find an electronic or other way to again congratulate the bride..... I'm not being rude, I just really never even considered having to again say something when I was there start to finish. I kind of equate it to a husband having to text you or get you a card saying congrats after you've deliverd your baby and he was there the whole time.
@luckyprincess: I have to disagree with cards just being thrown away. I'm a HUGE card keeper and so are my two best friends. We always spend a lot of time picking/making them and then write a novel inside. For my best friend's wedding I wrote all on the front inside, all over the part you would normally write on and STILL had to add an additional piece of paper. We always talk about how much we love our friend love letters. I have them from birthdays in highschool, graduation, when I left for university... etc.
The ones for my wedding I read and bawled like a baby. There's just something about a handwritten note that's very special to me. I would have been very hurt if they hadn't even gotten me a card at my wedding
*steps off soapbox, and answers the question that was posed.
I would probably just ask if perhaps their card got lost...
Our bridal party didn't get us gifts either! Actually quite a few quests didn't get gifts either... including DH family! My BM and his fam did get me a gift for my shower but it was 2 months before the wedding.. hmm. And they had to travel to both - im guessing thats why? ANyways i am not doing anything about it because honestly we don't need the gifts. I was happy to have everyone there to celebrate and spend time with us.
Though i do wonder if some people think getting a shower gift means they don't buy a wedding gift? I always send a gift to things i receive an invitation to. So all my friends that had showers and weddings, i have given them multiple gifts. Is this a common thing??
I didn't get a gift from any girls in my bridal party, but I didn't expect one. They paid for my bachelorette party. They also paid for their own shoes, jewelery, half their dresses and their hair and make-up.
I have kept lots of cards, too, and love picking them out. I find them to be keepsakes when they are from special people to me. But I'm saying that to many people, a card is something that you throw away. Even though cards may be a wonderful keepsake to the recipient, we have to remember that it isn't required to give one and that sometimes people are just too busy trying to put your day together to get one.
I didn't expect cards and gifts on top of what my girls were already doing for me the first time I got married and I wouldn't be upset if I don't get cards or gifts with my upcoming marriage. I mean, them being my closest, most trusted friends for the day by acting as my bridal party and sharing that experience with me means more to me than a card would and I don't expect them to say congratulations 20 times in different mediums, lol.
Also, if any one of my brides would have called me to ask me if my card or gift got 'lost' because they didn't seem to recieve one I would tell them that yes, it got lost somewhere at the Hallmark store and they are more than welcome to go pick out a new one for themselves and sign my name to it - but then they are used to my sense of humor :)
Two of my BMs did not get me anything - not even a card
My MOH got me a joint gift with her mom that was unreturnable and not something that fits with our style/taste - but not a card
I didnt say anything, just got over it!
We didn't get a gift from one of the BMs, the best man, or another GM. Honestly, they all did so much for us that we just let it go. The best man paid for my DH to spend a weekend in Vegas, which is more than enough present. The other GM probably thought his parents put him on the card...kinda lame I know but stil. And the other BM did SO SO much for me that there's no way I'm bringing this up with her!
I'm a little confused why you feel like they should call or text to say congratulations since they were actually IN the wedding. And the same with a card (sans $), IMO there's no point in giving a couple just a card saying congrats if you actually attended or were were part of the wedding.
From what you've described, it sounds like you and your DH gave your BM's a lot of $ to cover things like dress, hotel, beauty, meals, etc. because you knew it was going to be very expensive for them. I could see this actually making them assume they didn't have to buy you a gift since you were so concerned about them not speding a too much $. So that may have worked against you a little.
I think in general it's ridiculous to expect wedding party members to actually buy a gift for the bride and groom, regardless of if they have to pay for anything. If they do, that's great but I think it's above and beyond. If I were you, I would just concentrate on how they supported you on the wedding day and leave $ out of it.
It would be a bit tacky to say a word to them about it. You should be thankful that they were there to support you and travel (if this is even applicable) to your wedding and pre-wedding events to spend them with you. It's not about gifts...it's about having the people you love the most surrounding you.
Some of mine did, others didn't. Some were still in college or not in part time jobs and others splurged for nice stuff on our registry. I had no problem with it. I was just glad they were able to make it and buy the jcrew dress I requested! That's plenty!
@moderndaisy: I was about to say that, but you beat me to it!
I'm also confused why you are expecting a phone call from them to say congratulations? Weren't they actually there, standing up next to you and supporting you?
I think you should let this go and be a bit more cautious about how generous you are to them in the future.
I'm also not sure what the fuss is about.. (sorry)... I wouldn't necessarily expect my bridal party to give me a gift if they had to buy say, a dress that was as expensive as a gift would have been. I've been a BM twice and have given gifts, and I'm not having any BMs myself, but I'm not sure I'd care one way or the other if they got me gifts. It was *super* nice of you to put up so much cash for them, but gifts should be seen as an extra gesture, not a necessity.
Also - I don't know if I've *ever* given a couple a gift before the wedding :) I'm just a really big procrastinator. They have a year, according to ettiquete, so you never know!. :)
Say something along the lines of... "I think some of my gifts got lost in our travels because I didnt receive anything from you?" Or send your thank you cards to them saying, "Thank you for being in my wedding - I hope you enjoyed this this and this that we got for you."
LOL - just kidding.
No, but really -- The gift isn't a big deal. I would blow it off. You now know how to treat them on their special days in the future. It sounds like your BMS were pretty selfish. You would hope your girlfriends would treat you how they would like to be treated on their wedding days and bachelorette parties! The gift they would have bought you is not something you are going to remember in 10 years... which is why I think it is no big deal. You are however going to remember how little they did for your bachelorettte parties and showers, when you went out of your way to pay for a lot of stuff for them. It was your special day and it seemed like they were the ones who got the special treatment!
I'm not expecting gifts from my bridal party, they are already giving me the biggest gift of all by travelling down here and then paying for their clothes and hair and just the general stress of being in a wedding. If they get me a gift thats fine but I wouldnt be upset if they didnt. Especially since two of my BMs are from out of state. I think since they travelled to a destination wedding you shouldnt be upset that they didnt give u a gift and u definitely shouldnt ask about it
OK, well, the concensus is to let it go, and thats what I will do. :) Thanks for all the opinions, I appreciate them all!!!
i would never expect anything from my bridal party, its super expensive to be a bridesmaid and they are doing enough for me just by showing up. im a big gift giver so if i were ever a bridesmaid id still want to get something for the two of them but thats just who i am. My advice is just let it go.
we didn't get anything from one of our bridesmaids or from one of our groomsmen, and we don't feel like we can say anything. it's really weird, especially the bridesmaid, who got married 2 weeks before us and who we got a gift for, but i'll just read it as an oversight and move on...
I would let it go. Did they spend a lot on being in the wedding? Because maybe they feel that is gift enough. Don't say I agree with them, just saying it might be the way they are thinking. I don't think it is worth losing friends over.
I have the same situation, it's good to hear others chime in. We didn't get gifts from 3 (out of 5) bridesmaids. I'm in no way upset about this, but I would never go to a wedding without even a token gift (and I was a BM for one of them a few years ago and did buy a gift). I've know these girls for over 15 years, so I really thought they were the same way. I'm definitely more surprised by the lack of gift than angry or upset. I don't really know what to do about it either, but I'll probably just let it go. It's just strange because you think you know people . . .
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