Post # 1
I feel like all I’ve done on the Bee lately is vent, and I feel bad about that, but things are just kinda spinning like crazy right now…
As many of you know from my posts in the past few months, I recently uprooted my entire life to move to California and be with my SO. The experience has been wonderful, though a bit stressful because neither of us has had a huge amount of luck finding a stable and steady job. He’s still working as an intern at the company that brought him out here with no moves toward a permanent position, and I’ve been freelancing on and off… emphasis on the “off” right now. We’re both working hard to find better work. We had a major talk a few weeks ago about delaying engagement and marriage until we’re stable – a difficult, but necessary decision.
He just had a phone interview with a connection made by his father. This company has offices all over the world, including here in SJ where we live. But the guy he’s interviewing with is based in Chicago and SO seems to think it’s probable that they’ll want him to move there if he gets hired.
The thought of doing all of what I just did over again – packing up my entire existence and moving to another new place to try and create a life and a home after I *just* left someplace I’d been for years and was *just* starting to settle in here and make friends is devastating. I love him. I want to be with him. I made a commitment to him back in February that I’d go where he goes.
But I love it here and I don’t want to leave, especially after such a short stay. But there’s no logic to staying somewhere where neither of us have had luck finding work if he can get an amazing job in Chicago doing what he wants to do and earning a ton of money. And with the number of connections he and his family have in Chicago, I’d probably have a job in less than a month.
But I don’t want to live in the midwest after fighting tooth and nail to get out of there. I don’t want to practically live with his family (they’re wonderful, but stifling people who would undoubtedly have a say in every single little thing we do and decision we make). I don’t want to move again. I’ve moved 15 times since I was 12. I’m exhausted of it. I just want stability and a place to call home that I love. But I don’t want to lose my relationship and I feel like that’d be the choice. I certainly couldn’t stay here alone.
I’m just really distraught right now. I want him to get the job but I don’t want to move. I feel selfish and irrational. I’m crossing my fingers that he can get the job and work here. Idk.
Post # 3
@MissCalifornia: -hugs- Having made near that many moves in the same amount of time, I totally get your frustration. I also think I see the underlying frustration with knowing that you are going to move regardless of how much you might not want to.
Chicago’s not a bad town, and with all the burbs in that area, you can find a place that isn’t to close to his family. Also, IL minimum wage is like 8.50, so even if you get a craptastic job, you can make enough to live. 🙂
Post # 4
Can you find a full-time job? It looks like you both need to make the mature decision to live where you can work. Or – work where you live. He should commit himself to tryign to find a full-time position where you guys are now. Maybe someone he interns for can help him out. And you should also be looking for something full-time if freelance ain’t cutting it. If after you’ve both givent his a real effort, the only job is in Chi-town then it looks like that would be the most responsible option for both of you.
Post # 5
@MissCalifornia: I completely understand where you are coming from. It is hard enough to uproot your life for someone only to have to do it again. But you know what? If it means you get to be engaged and married to the man you love one day AND it means a good financial opportunity for him (and possibly you) I’d say go for it. Yeah, it sucks to move. I hate moving too, and I haven’t moved nearly as much as you, but I think it will be a smart choice. Eventually all things will calm down.
I wish you the best of luck in whatever happens. I follow your moving ‘saga’ haha, so I hope everything works out.
Post # 6
@JrzyGurl: Trust me, no effort has been spared on my part in finding a full-time job. I’m to the point that I am applying to food service and retail. As a copywriter, it’s difficult to find a full-time job without playing the freelance and/or contract dance – I’ve been working freelance through an agency in hopes of connecting with the right company that’s looking for a permanent hire (and also trying to build up my portfolio so I am more desireable). I apply to at least 5-6 jobs a week, and I haven’t gotten a single interview. It makes me physically and emotionally sick to know I’m not able to fully support myself right now.
I understand the ideas of maturity and responsibility but I uprooted my ENTIRE life in New York to move out here because he painted it as a sure thing and the start of a future. So I’m a little distraught and freaked out that suddenly, after three month, we’re considering moving back across the country to try somewhere else.
@aithinne: *nods* I know it would all probably work out. I just don’t really have anyone else to talk to but here because I don’t want to tell any of my friends/family back on the east that this is a consideration and I don’t have any real friends here either.
@megz06: Very astute points. Thank you.
Post # 7
He needs to respect your wishes about location as much as you respect his. There are eleventy bazillion jobs in the SF Bay Area for tech etc – I think I remember that’s his field? I think he should look harder here (hi neighbor!) first before jumping ship to the first thing that comes along.
Post # 8
@MissCalifornia: I live in Chicago. The cost of living is very high, actually. Unless you live in the ghetto, rents are high. So $8.50 an hour is not at all possible to live on!
Unemployment is also sky high here. Close to 15%. So I wouldn;t count on finding a job that quickly. All things to consider and bring up to your BF.
Post # 9
@MissCalifornia: You have to go where the money is kid….and if its in Chicago…the pizza is worth the trip
Post # 10
I live and work in Chicago and there are a good amount of jobs available here (even copywriting – I work with copywriters in my industry).
Unlike PP’s have mentioned, it is possible to live here modestly. You don’t need to be in the “ghetto” to have affordable housing. There are parts of the city that are very reasonable (especailly compared to the Bay Area!) and the suburbs are even cheaper than that.
I know it’s hard to fathom moving again, but now’s the time in your life to set down great career foundations (both of you) and I’d recommend moving in order to do that. After you have full time jobs and get some experience under your belt, settling down in a preferred location can be higher priority.
Post # 11
@crayfish: A lot of the pressure for this, I think, is coming from his family. He comes from a really wealthy, well-connected family and a great deal of their connections are in Chicago so that’s what they’re tossing him. Oddly, what brought him out here was another one of those connections so >.< I do fear that because he’s used to just kinda being handed things he’s going to want to go for the first thing. But we’re talking about it and I’m explaining my thoughts on it to him, which he’s listening to.
@Nona99: The pizza is pretty darn good, you are correct in that!
@solidarity: We considered Chicago before and I was finding very little to apply to in my field, which is something that also makes me nervous. Cost of living is pretty damn high here in the Bay Area, though, so that wouldn’t be much of a change lol.
Post # 12
@MissCalifornia: You sya “I understand the ideas of maturity and responsibility but I uprooted my ENTIRE life in New York to move out here because he painted it as a sure thing and the start of a future. So I’m a little distraught and freaked out that suddenly, after three month, we’re considering moving back across the country to try somewhere else.”
There we go… this is what you’re really mad about. He moved with you the impression this was a “sure thing” and it wasn’t. And you feel duped/angry. That’s ok! Let it out girl! Be mad! But then you gotta move forwad and figure out what to do from here. Clearly, SJ isn’t working out that great for either one of you. So it sounds like you both need to make a decision that works for BOTH of you. Not just him. Where would you want to live in a perfect world? Can you guys try to compromise?
Post # 13
@JrzyGurl: Perfect world, I’d want to stay here. I’d much prefer to stay here – I love the west coast, always wanted to live my life and raise my family out here. I’d move to another city here for better opportunities before I’d move to the midwest. I have some pretty serious issues with depression, especially SADD, and living in a climate with a ton of sun all year round is very beneficial to me. My mental health has improved by leaps and bounds since I came out here, and I’m terrified what going back to a cold, partly-dreary part of the world would do to me.
I also want to be autonomous as a couple, which I fear wouldn’t happen if we moved where his parents live. They are VERY involved in his life already – which I think is fantastic overall, but it’s kind of like they run the show, especially when the three of them are together in person. I’ve always been my own person and taken care of myself, made my own decisions, etc. Having his parents in our business 24/7 bothers me, but at least from across the country it’s kept to a dull roar.
Post # 14
@MissCalifornia: Then I think you have to explain this to him. It seems like he’s taking the easy road (Dad’s friend got him a job near mom and dad) and not really pushing himself to find a job in CA.
Post # 15
@MissCalifornia: I moved to California for a 3 months for an internship and I’ll be going back once I graduate. And in all honesty. I don’t like California, well at least not southern LA where I was working, but that is where I can build a stable career so that is what I’ll do. Then 5 to 15 years down the line I plan to take the experience I’ve gained and go get a job where I really want to live. (After taking enough vacations to figure out where that is.) Getting your foot in the door is hard and it doesn’t sound like the place he currently is, is a good fit for him. And following mom and dad’s lead doesn’t sound like a healthy decision for your relationship.
But maybe it is time for him to follow you. FI will go where I have to go because the demand for his skill set exists everywhere while mine is more specialized and less mobile. And it doesn’t sound like you ended up in a place where you can work as a copywriter so maybe that isn’t the best place for the two of you.
And if he is in a tech field like another poster mentioned… I’d tell him to keep with his internship until he has been doing it long enough to have enough experience to find a real job. Because there are tech jobs in Cali and 3 months is hardly a long time to be with a company. Especially if he is engineering where it can take upwards of a year to even figure out what you are supposed to be doing. Encourage him to stick with it and if at all possible try to pursue his security clearance.