Post # 1
I told my matron of honor yesterday that my FI and I had 100% decided we were not going to be inviting kids to our wedding. We are TRYING to have a small wedding of 60 guests and kids would add 12 more to the guest list…which we do not have room in the budget for. 2 of those kids are my matron of honors. She is flying in to FL from NC to come to the wedding and her parents are invited as well who still live in FL (in other words, they cannot watch the kids during the wedding). Originally, she told me 5 months ago that she was going to try to come alone and have her husband stay in NC ANYWAY and watch the kids so she could have a good time at the wedding without having to worry about the kids.
I ask her for an update on the situation just in case…and she said that her husband may have to go out of town for work on my wedding weekend. Here is how the rest of the conversation went:
Her: “Why did you guys make that decision?”
Me: “It would be 12 extra people we would have to accommodate. But you are my best friend and if you can’t find someone to watch them, of course you can bring them.”
Her: “I see. I really don’t want people giving me evil eyes because I got to bring my kids and they didn’t. I just don’t think you understand because you don’t have kids. When you say they’re not invited, you’re saying you don’t like that PART of me. And they are a part of me. I really wish you could love my kids.”
I’ll be honest. I’m not good with kids. I’m not maternal. But I love my best friend…and I do love her kids. I am both of their God mother and have always tried to be there for her and the kids. Instead, now she seems to think I hate her kids.
Is it just because I’m not a mother that I think her statement was completely crazy? Do a lot of parents see it this way if you don’t invite their kids?
Post # 3
No, I don’t particularly feel that way when people don’t invite my child along, I’m usually happy for the break from being mommy. However, she may just be projecting because she’s stressed that she might not be able to easily fulfill her commitment to being MOH. For the last 5 months (presumably) she’s thought that, if plans fall through with her coming alone, she could bring the kids. She has 5 months to figure it out, though, so she should be able to work something out. Really, it probably would have been more respectful to tell members of the bridal party it would be a child free wedding when you asked them to be part of your day.
Post # 4
I don’t think my kids need to be everywhere I need to be. Did anything else maybe happen in the past that is putting her on the defense? Most parents I know are pretty accepting of the kid-free wedding concept (unless it’s a destination wedding or it’s an infant who is still nursing). Have there been any other times when she felt like you weren’t cool with her kids being around? It seems like kind of an extreme reaction on her part.
Post # 5
Okay, I don’t have kids either, but I think her response came from way out in left field. People shouldn’t assume that because their children aren’t invited to an event, the person hosting the event doesn’t LIKE them! If you were having a sex-toy party and her kids weren’t invited, would she respond the same way?? Lol. Maybe she has unresolved feelings about this that have nothing to do with the wedding. That’s my best guess. If this all sprung from a wedding invite, it’s crazy. Weddings are expensive, and sometimes children aren’t invited. Nuff said.
Post # 6
I have no advice but to say yeah I think her saying that is a overboard. Maybe it’s because I don’t have kids either, Idk but one of my best friends loooooved the idea of no kids and I think I would to if I were them. I have to say I completely feel your pain. My FI has over 20 nieces and nephews and we agreed to have no kids because of that since that doesn’t even include my sides kids or his friends kids. IT WAS A COMPLETE DISASTER! His family was the one that had the problem and took the same route in saying you don’t want them there so you don’t want me there. What you don’t love your own niece, nephew etc.? It was as if we said we wanted them dead.
The thing is we were planning a JOP and later dinner at a nice restaurant with close friends and the family with open bar at the rest. I thought it be great to have a night with no kids and all the adult brothers and sisters, especially since they love to drink. I’m not cool with drinking in front of kids personally. Well now I’ve caved and am doing a cooooompletely different type of wedding. Only because what I’ve spent is still needed and nothing was set in stone or money lost so I didn’t care to change the plans to include the kids. This is not always an option for others. It was far from easy, I even wrote a post on the situation as my first post on here. I wish you luck on working this out. I wish I had better advice but hey at least you know you aren’t alone!
Post # 7
@starlight1222: I have 1 kid and another on they way. I think your friend completely blew what you said out of proportion. Saying you guys aren’t having kids at your wedding is not even close to saying you don’t like her kids… that is ridiculous. I wouldn’t even want to bring my kids to a wedding, so I really can’t relate to her… Hopefully she realizes what she said is ridiculous.
Post # 8
@KatyElle: I think it’s two-fold:
1) Whenever I go over to her place just to hang out (which used to be over an hour drive for me) she always says “You know the kids are going to be with us, right? I hope that’s ok.” I’ve never changed my mind about coming or expressed that I don’t like being with her and the kids. I think she feels bad that we don’t have more time to just do our own thing like we used to. Also…
2) Like I said, I’m bad with kids. I think by her asking me if it’s ok that the kids are with her, it’s her way of saying “it’s really obvious that you are uncomfortable around kids and are terrible with them.” I think she is mistaking this for not liking the kids. They are not one in the same in my opinion.
Post # 9
Agreed – saying that you don’t want kids at your wedding is akin to not loving them or that part of her is absolutely assanine IMO. I don’t want kids at my wedding but that has NOTHING to do with loving or not loving the kids my friends and family have OR any part of them. That’s just a ridiculous statement to make. Not to mention you said her kids could come! She shouldn’t care wht other people think, if they’r emaking evile eyes it’ll be at you and if you don’t care then she shouldn’t haha.
Maybe you can call her again and be like ok, let me explain…. This is why we aren’t having kids, if we give an open invite to have kids, everyone automatically brings their kids, and we simply cant afford all of the extra people. That would cost us X amount of money, and I also personally want it to be an adult affair for the most part, and not have 12 kids running around. That being said I have no problem with people’s kids, and not wanting them at my wedding which is ONE DAY, has NO bearing on how I feel about you, or about them. etc etc” Or whatever you need to say. Just maybe try to explain a little better? That may not work, some people are just irrational, I don’t know, I hope she is more understanding!
Post # 10
I don’t know if it will solve the emotional issue, but could you offer to provide a sitter for her during the wedding? That way she wouldn’t have the stress of trying to make out of town provisions for them.
Post # 11
Why can’t she just use a babysitter through the hotel? Or could you set up a friend or babysitter you trust for them? Do any of your friends have kids and thus babysitters they could recommend?
Post # 12
You’re friend is being silly. First of all, saying that not inviting kids is like saying you don’t like a part of her doesn’t even deserve a response because it’s ridiculous. You gave her the option to bring her kids and she should just accept it and bring them since that sounds like her only option right now. She shouldn’t care, nor should you, if people give her the ‘evil eye’. It is you who decides who can come, not your guests- and if you decide to allow a guest to bring her children due to special circumstances, that’s your perogative.
Post # 13
Also, it sounds like her identity might be a touch too wrapped up in being a mom. Sounds like her identity is completely tied to how people view and accept her children. Which should be super fun for them as they become their own people in adulthood…
Post # 14
- Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort
I would arrange for and pay for a babysitter to watch the kids.
Post # 15
@starlight1222: Definitely not. My best friend in the world I know for a fact loves my daughter, but she is generally uncomfortable around children. I don’t see not comfortable around children as meaning she hates them or wishes they weren’t around, if she felt the way I do about kids she’d likely have kids of her own.
To give you a mother’s perspective. Sometimes (not always) we do tend to kind of wrap up other people’s acceptance of us in our kids. We are struggling to find a balance between the women and friend we were before and the mom we are now. Sometimes we do fear rejection from our old circles a little, so when we perceive that someone is rejecting our kids, we become afraid that they are rejecting US because we have kids, even when that couldn’t be further from the truth.
I know this doesn’t apply to all moms, but I caught myself getting into this pattern after my daughter was born and I had to make a conscious effort to break myself out of it. As a result I can peacefully maintain friendships with my mom and non-mom friends alike. I think your friend may just need a little reassurance that of course you love her kids, but that you’re looking for an adult only night of fun and you want her there to cut loose and party!
Post # 16
@crayfish: I wish it were that easy. She will barely even consider the idea of her sister in-law who lives near by watch them. I don’t think she’d let anyone watch them unless she knows them/ has interviewed them.