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Ooooh tough decision! I think you need to stick to your guns and say no children. It really isn't fair to say no kids to other family members but allow your FSIL to bring hers. Plus you don't want them there...and neither does your FI.
Do you have other friends who won't be invited to the wedding who could watch the children during the wedding? Or even someone a friends knows? For our wedding, we are thinking about having a babysitter in one of the hotel rooms who could watch the little ones during the reception. Then your FMIL is happy because she gets to see her grandkids, but the kids aren't at the wedding itself.
I think you should probably make an exception for your sister in law. If she is traveling so far for your wedding, it seems like a good time to make an exception. She probably won't want to leave her baby at home if she is still breastfeeding, and I'm sure a baby that young will not cause any problems. Plus, he's your new nephew!
It's a tough situation, especially if your SIL is nursing she might not be able to be away from her newborn for a long period of time. You should talk it over with your future MIL and she what she suggests. Maybe she has a good friend or knows a trusted babysitter in your area that can watch the children during your reception. That way pretty much everyone would be happy.
You can't expect your FSIL to leave a newborn that she is breast-feeding at home. I wouldn't leave a breast-feeding newborn with a babysitter I didn't know either. Since this is your FSIL, I would make an exception (unless she and your FI aren't really close and he doesn't care if she comes). I think a newborn is a much different situation than a 3 year-old, or even a 6 month-old.
If your SIL will be breastfeeding a brand new baby, I think you have to let her bring him. Some babies dont take bottles well, especially new borns. If you dont let her bring the baby, she might not come. I would totally understand not wanting to be away from a new baby all night, especially with no one she knows to baby sit.
Hmmm, tough call. If the SIL's mother is available to babysit then I would tell her to leave the kids so she can cut loose and have some fun without the kids and the baby. Especially if you don't want kids at the reception. If you allow her to bring her kids, other guests might get upset, especially those that had to make arrangements for their kids.
And you FMIL has no say about it. The wedding day is YOUR day, not some excuse for her to see her grandkids. If she wants to see them so bad, she can go visit on her own time.
I would say yes to the baby she's nursing, and no to the other kid. BUT I think that if you have a no kids reception that you should provide a babysitter for them. Sorry, but a nursing mother just can't leave her baby with a sitter. The mother will get uncomfortable, and the baby will be hungry (and not every baby takes bottles, nor does every BFing mom want to give their baby a bottle). So really I see her point about the brand new nephew, but the other kid should go to a sitter.
Thanks for all of the input! I do feel like we should make an exception for her.. but we have 3 new babies on the way in the next year, so she wouldn't be the only one who would have to leave an infant home if she chose to come. I'm not worried about the ladies who are somewhat close to our reception, as they will be able to get someone (other family members) to watch their kiddos, but my FSIL is from GA, and we're in ME.. so you can see the huge difference.
@wibride2b: that was my first thought, too. There is a hotel adjacent to the reception venue, so I'm thinking of paying for their room and seeing if we can find anyone to stay at the room- with the hotel being so close my FSIL could slip out of the reception whenever she'd like to check in on the baby.
Does that seem like a happy meeting ground to you all?
Could you suggest she bring her mom? To the hotel, I mean.Could that work?
There will be family kids at our wedding, and 2 FSILs will split cost of babysitter's room between them to give them some free time during the evening. It's only one extra plate for us to pay for, and the kids are looked after. This suits us grand, cos the kids are in wedding party anyway.
Honestly I still don't think that compromise will work unless the babysitter is somone your FSIL knows. I wouldn't leave a newborn with anyone other than close family. I think other guests will understand that you made an exception given that this baby is you and your FI's nephew, he's breastfeeding, and mom is a long way from home.
@dani0842 - I think that is the best compromise you can make, if you want to keep your "no children" rule standard for all guests, and still guarantee your FSIL will attend. If you have at least 3 more newborns on their way in your family, you can't really use the newborn/breast feeding exception for your FSIL when other guests are in the same boat.
My SIL was nursing when they traveled to my wedding and she said her biggest mistake was bringing the kids without bringing a nanny b/c she couldn't just enjoy herself and spend time with us. Have your SIL bring a babysitter and duck out every once in a while to pump or breastfeed. Voila!
You really should make an exception for nursing infants. I totally understand your situation; we have a "no kids" rule, but we will have 4-5 guests with nursing infants.
Option #1: You let SIL and the others who have nursing babies bring the babies. I just went to a wedding with FOUR brand new babies and not ONE peep all night. Those little babies all slept right through a very loud reception.
Option #2: Maybe those who feel comfortable can have a trusted sitter stay nearby with the baby/kids. Is your venue at/near a hotel? One of my girlfriends is having her sister stay at our hotel in a room with the baby so that she and her husband can enjoy the wedding and she can still run back and forth to nurse.
Either way, I say stick to your guns about not letting the older kids come. Newborns and nursing infants are kind of the exception, I feel.
If I were you, I would leave it up to her. She should be the only one you make an exception for though. Tell her that you aren't allowing children, but you understand her situtation and since she's family she can do what works best for her. Tell her you understand it may be difficult to enjoy herself at the wedding if she has to tend tot eh baby the whole time (that's why you weren't allowing kids in the first place), so here is contact info for a nanny (or something like that).
If you put the ball in her court, no one can get mad at you for the decision she makes. And really, it's the right thing to do. Just stress to her that your wishes were no kids so that your guests could enjoy themselves and you wanted to maintain an adult, sophisticated ambiance. Hopefully she'll get the hint and do the right thing.
@aunt pol: That's a fantastic idea! The kids are both super familiar with my FSIL's mom..
I'm so glad I started this thread b/c you've all brought up great points that I wouldn't have thought of myself!!
Thanks to you all- this site is so great!
I'm totally supportive of people who don't want kids at the wedding, but I think you need to make an exception for a nursing baby...that's just a whole new set of rules right there. You mentioned that everyone that would be needed to babysit the baby would be there. Is this a close family friend or family member that isn't invited to the wedding? Or is this someone that you found that will be helping out? I ask because A) If I were the one w/ a nursing baby, just the fact alone that I'd be nursing would be reason why I wouldn't want to leave the baby B) There's no way in hades I'd leave my baby that I'm nursing with someone I don't know (no matter how highly recommended they come). If you are 100% hell bent on not having any children what so ever, I would make sure that if the FSIL agrees to it, that her baby be w/ the sitter right there on location. I spent the weekend with my SIL who is nursing and just the sound of a baby crying or someone asking her about breast feeding made her boobies gush...so, not only would it be rough on the kid, but your SIL may get a tad bit uncomfortable if she can't nurse...because if you don't want a baby there, you SURELY don't want your SIL having to pump. lol
@JsDragonfly: hahahaha! That is both a valid and slightly gross point! It's dualy noted, for sure!
Stick to your decision. You can't make any exceptions without it becoming a huge issue. Your SIL will have a great time having a night out at your wedding. Your FMIL should have plenty to distract her too!
@dani0842...yeah, the weekend w/ the nursing SIL opened my eyes in a whole new way. I always "heard" stories about nursing, but never understood it...until this weekend. wow. lol
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Okay bees. Help.
OOT(far OOT) future SIL will still be nursing brand new nephew for my wedding. Everyone who would be able to babysit him will be at the reception. FI does not want any kiddos at the reception- and I really don't either. Problem is, she's already asked about bringing them.
ALSO, if we say no, they'll probably leave the kids (both under 3) in their home state with SIL's mom, which probably won't go over well with my future MIL, since she never gets to see them (read: she'll blame FI and I for our decision).