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We aren't inviting any kids under 12 years old (and no ring bearer or flower girl) and we have had a few issues. To the people who are calling, I would say something like "FI and I have been really looking forward to seeing you at the wedding, however, we understand if you aren't able to make it." Short and sweet - to the point without leaving room for argument. I would think that most of the adults would end up coming. If you start making exceptions, there will be even more problems later on.
Same thing happened to us - in fact I ended up wishing we'd just invited kids because there weren't that many of them and it would have been easier than having to be diplomatic with all the people who were asking! We ended up making some exceptions (which I didn't like doing) to keep family happy and one couple decided to only come to the ceremony (which was fine), but yeah it was hard. I feel your pain!
I understand what you're saying, and I think it's rude of them to ask as well - you didn't just forget they had kids and that's why you put two seats, and they should know that. I have people asking if they can come that didn't even get invites...i'm like - who does that??
I hear you, and it's exactly that predicament that led us to just inviting the 5 kids on our guest list. Probably only 4 will come and then 3 are in the wedding now. So whatever. We're going to opt to pay for a babysitter at the resort and get them pizza/games/crayons etc. whilst the adults play.
Maybe that would be an option for you? Just trying to help.
mmmmm... well at the end is your and your FI decision. my cousin had an only adults wedding and yes there were some complaints but 90% of the people she invited went and it was a beautiful wedding. i dont see the issue, i have a daughter and i will not feel offended by somebody telling me i cant bring my daughter to the wedding (what right i have, they are the one paying for the wedding) in my case: we are getting married because of our 6yo and my wedding will be a backyard affair so kids will be welcome...
as i said, at the end is you decision and anybody can get a babysitter this days!!!
good luck
@ksnow: OMG! I got that too. One friend even said, "Oh you're getting married in April? I'd still be in California then. I'll come!" Uhmmm, he forgot the part that I didn't even ask him to come!
Whatabout telling them they can bring their kids - and a babysitter - to hold up in a hotel nearby while they attend the ADULT ONLY wedding you are having. I wouldn't feel bad, just remember who's paying for this and who is getting married. You have the right to request no children.
My FI and I were originally going to have an adults-only reception, but then when it started circulating through our families people started to get really upset about. So we decided that we'd rather keep people happy. AND our reception hall has a minimum requirement, so it's actually cheaper for us to pay for kids plates than finding more adults to invite.
But you have to do what's right for your wedding day. You will remember this day forever, and your guests will likely forget all about the issue in a few months.
@Azin: FI and I were just talking yesterday about looking for a good daycare close to our venue so the parents can leave their kids there. If budget permits, we might do that :) Thanks for the suggestion. You are so lucky to have an onsite babysitter! :)
You have every right to be upset...people should accept what is on the invitation! This isn't a quickly thrown together event, this is your wedding & since you're (or your families) footing the bill, your guests should be gracious. I would also definitely have your FI deal with his family (it's his family so he probably knows how to smooth it over better, and it's HIS family, so he should be the buffer between them & you, as you should be the buffer between your family & him), so it stresses you less.
We have a related problem of an aunt wanting me to invite my deceased grandfather's sisters, whom I've seen only once in the last 10 years (my grandfather's funeral). It's not happening. I'm not even inviting my living grandmother's siblings (whom I see every year), so I don't see why I should invite the others.
So sorry you're dealing with this & hope it lightens up!
@ms.pascua: Thanks for the kind words. I told FI that he should call his cousins but he's reluctant to do it because, well, he hates all this wedding drama. I'll try again tonight! :)
People don't seem to understand that you can either choose to come, or not come, within the parameters given. As a guest, you don't get to dictate the parameters, or complain about them to the hosts (that's what the rest of the guests are for!) I find these posts (and you're by no means the only one!) very frustrating because there are very few rules of etiquette for being a good guest, and this is one of the main ones. Why can't people just get it?
So I completely feel you, even though I'm having a kid-friendly wedding. Partly because the motif I want allows it easily, and partly because there are very few real children on my guest list. I've found that the kid:adult ratio really matters a lot! Out of curiosity, how many are you talking about?
@hopewell: for kids under 12, maybe 10-15 kids. That's not a lot, I know but we originally set our guestlist to 70 and it went up to 100, then 120. Now it's up to almost 140. If we allow them to bring kids, I just can't imagine paying for another 10 guests. Their food cost is cheaper than adults but then I have to increase my linen budget, order more favors, have another centerpiece, etc.
@msqthoney: I'm sorry he's reluctant, but, if I may share some suggestions, I would convey to him that this wedding planning is like marriage practice. In your marriage, there may be times that people outside of the marriage will feel it's their place to tell you (the bride/wife, individually) that your (the couple, plurally) decision is wrong...tell him that, at those times, you'd like to know that your future husband has your back (as all spouses should when it comes to a jointly-made decision) & this is his opportunity to practice how he would handle that kind of situation. Share with him that you see the wedding day as your first day as a married couple & you'd like the decisions you both made about that day to be honored & you need his help NOW to ensure that. If he can't see the logic & validity of that, then perhaps he doesn't understand how important this is to you or how much it's stressing you out (and you shouldn't take the brunt of the stress - that would be ungentlemanly 
); maybe make that clearer. Hopefully, your FI will come around after you've made all those points...I mean, you're the love of his life! 
(hugs) & hope it all works out. Please keep us updated.
I just went through this last week. Man it sucks! And it's FI's sister who is his only local family, so her not coming is a pretty big deal. She says they can't find a babysitter and that her daughter really wants to see me get married because she loves her new aunt so much. Talk about a guilt trip! But the way I see it is, that's sweet and all, but when I was 8 years old, I didn't get to go to night time weddings. Didn't matter who it was. I was the kid and I stayed with the babysitter. I still folded on the issue and told them they could come. I'm still bitter about it if you can't tell.
Wish I had some better advice for you, but its a really crappy situation and at least we can promise ourselves that we'll never be those people!
@ms.pascua: I completely agree that this reflects how we would handle future stressful situations. Actually, FI has been great so far except for this issue and I think I know why. He is not close with these cousins and have seen them maybe 3 times in his life. If FI's parents were here (they live in the Philippines and won't fly in until three weeks before the wedding), I think that this is an issue to be handled by FI mom's, u know what I mean? They are basically FI's parents' guests. Oh well, FI doesn't have a choice in this one. He has to bite the bullet and call them himself! LOL! I will certainly tell him that this is stressing me out (because it does!)
@amac: Guilt tripping is so not nice! hahaha FI's cousin basically told FI's aunt that they can't come if their son can't go. They don't have a babysitter, and they can't afford a babysitter because the wife just lost her job... I feel really bad but I feel like they shouldn't even put that on me. Oh well.
i had this same problem, and my FFIL actually had me in tears over it. but im standing my ground - hes not paying so NO KIDS. sorry.
tears or no tears, whining or no whining, its YOUR wedding and do what you want. they dont HAVE to come you know....
I always love that excuse "I can't get a babysitter!" Really? Really?? The wedding is (three, five, ten) months away and you're telling me THIS FAR OUT you are UNABLE to find someone who wants to deal with your child THEN? Such a cop out. Those people need to be told that (three, five, ten) months is PLENTY of time to make arrangements IF it is important to them. If it's not that important to them, then why do you want them there anyway??
The whole "if my kids can't come then I'm not coming" is emotional blackmail and the basest form of manipulation. I truly despise people who use it.
In case you can't tell, I'm on your side. I think you should stick to your guns! 10-15 kids is A LOT and DOES cost a lot of money! And they'll all mess up your linens, ruin the centerpieces, maybe the cake, and their parents will end up leaving three hours early ANYWAY because their kids are whining to go home. BECAUSE IT'S NOT A KID'S FUNCTION!! Sigh.
Ironically, I allowed kids at my wedding, but I had an morning wedding. And one pushed another in the pool. And they colored on the linens with the crayons I provided for their coloring books, which they didn't use. They walked around to every table and blew out the candles in the centerpieces. They were eyeing my cake until I told them all I would break any finger that touched that cake before me. And I meant it. And they knew it. Thus the cake was safe. But it was really a handful since their parents weren't watching them (because for some reason they are the type of parents who think everyone ELSE will babysit their kids!). And I only had six kids at my wedding!! (Sorry to hijack the thread)
im not letting any kids at the wedding either. i just put it out there like i want you to have a great time and not worry about what your child is doing or having someone else watch your kids or let your kids run wild while you are trying to have a good time. we have had parties to where our friends with kids would ask one of our friends to watch there kids so that they can drink and dance which i thought was so rude! its like there your kids. and other friends kids would question why there parent was drinking and you have to sit back and ask yourself who is the parent? plus i dont want the kids to damage anything at the venue which would mean we would have to pay for the damages.
Man, do I hate this subject. I had my vent myself. My mom even told me how no one would go to my wedding because of how offended they would be that they could not bring their kids. It's one night! Especially if it's local, people who want to be there will respect and make their best efforts to go; the others, oh well, I guess our wedding will not be that important to them. It's been a huge headache for me and continues to be, but I am not going to give in. It's too much money, and kids don't even remember nor appreciate wedding. I would rather have other guests there.
@verosara: The LOCAL people don't want to go? Oh come on! They could all go in on a babysitter together if they wanted. Kids don't like weddings, they don't even remember them.
I am having an adult only reception as well. I have actually thought about doing 12 or 16 and older, not sure yet. How would you would you state that on the invitation?
@Tonya: I've heard some people put in their reception cards something to the effect of "No guests under 13 allowed." But don't quote me because I honestly don't even know if that's okay.
I have 2 teens in my guestlist. One is FI's adorable little sis and she's 13. The other one is my second cousin and she's 16. Her mom asked her if she could bring her daughter instead of her husband because her husband has this huge college reunion that has been planned months ago. I said okay on this one. I mean she's not really a little kid and that's not really adding to the guest list, just "substituting" LOL!
Ladies, am so glad to hear your side. I thought we are a rarity with this no child policy, and I really felt bad. Glad to hear that this is not so unreasonable after all.
@Verosara: Ughhh, I completely agree with you! How can you possibly offend anybody by inviting them to your wedding? Because you didn't include their children in the invite?! Seriously, I feel like people should be honored by being invited, and not offended. Although nobody has used the term offended on me, I'd probably hit the ceiling if somebody said that to me.
@mightysapphire: OMG! Sounds like the kids enjoyed your wedding waayyyyyy too much! LOL!
we would have had to cut back our guest list loads to invite children to the wedding, and we decided not to. I've also been to weddings where i've sat down to half empty tables because the people with kids have left already, and it's not great.
So, we are only having 'nursing infants' and our 4 nieces and nephews at the wedding, and 2 of them are travelling from overseas to come, so couldn't stay behind. My SIL's parents are coming over too, and it's mostly to help look after the grandkids I think!
For our friends, the ones with children, I talked to them about it last summer, and they have all been hell yes, a weekend without the kids! and leaving them with their grandparents, who love to have them.
the only ones who have been a bit difficult have been some French friends whose children are around 10 and 8 - the kids don't speak English, don't know anyone else at the wedding, apart from their parents. I've never even met these children. they are not coming to the wedding!
However, I have made it very clear in the invite - it says 'unfortunately because of limited space at [our venue] we aren't able to invite children to our wedding (apart from our nieces and nephews and nursing infants)'
friends of ours used similar wording last year too.
Stick to your decision!!! It's your budget, your day, your decision, they need to respect that. It's not fair to you if you have to go threaten kids to get their fingers out of your cake or keep relighting candles and stuff like that. You don't need that on your big day. I was at a wedding a couple of months ago, where kids were invited... It was really annoying! The kids got out on the dance floor and yanked on their parents and tried to get them to leave because the kids were bored and stuff. Stick to your decision, the parents will just have to get over it. I would think these parents would jump at the opportunity to dress up and spend the night out with their husband, watching two close friends/family members getting married! lol, try to spin it that way. :)
I feel your pain, we have had people telling us a full six months before we set the date and booked the place that if their kids couldn't come then they couldn't come. That they couldn't find a babysitter this was in early 09 and we're getting married in 2010. That helped us decide, we are now having an adult only reception. We would really love it if some people come but if they don't hey i can't force you to come and i'm still getting married. We absolutely refuse to be blackmailed. And do you ever notice that the ones that insist that their kids come are the ones with the most misbehaved kids ugh
Well it is rude of them to call and ask to bring more people to a wedding, IMO!
Tell them tough noogies, get a babysitter. I mean, if you're NOT going to go to a family wedding because you can't put your kids up with a sitter (babies aside, let's say), then you don't want those people there anyways.
Plus all those kids cost YOU money. And it's not like people care about that; they just want their kids there. They don't think about how it affects the people THROWING the darn wedding. And every parent thinks their child is angelic and perfect.
@msgthoney, I had someone do that too!!! She wanted to bring her daughter instead of her husband! her daughter was 18, though, so i said it was fine, just don't let everyone else know! I didn't know they had an 18 year old at home. She'd just graduated high school. She even came to the shower and brought me a separate gift! I think the mom felt bad about inviting her along, but i wasn't concerned about an 18 year old, haha. I did have DH's cousin ask to bring a friend instead of her brother (a swapping of seats since brother refused to come) and i didn't even care about that. I was more concerned about little screaming babies and 5 year olds. They were more so extended family so I didn't feel bad saying "no way!" to that. In fact, I never felt bad because we were paying for it, so if they didn't want to come, fine, i'll take my $$ and put it towards someone who DID want to come.
They can get over it. You don't get invited to an adult's dinner party as husband and wife, then ask if you can bring your kids, too. Bad manners!
@msgthoney: Yeah, they DID enjoy themselves. I was just glad that they didn't get into the cocktails, but I'm assuming I have the bartender to thank for that. They got into everything else!
I don't have anything against nursing mothers going to an adult only reception, because the babies don't cost anything. They don't take up a seat, they don't eat food, they don't destroy things. And most nursing mothers KNOW they should leave the room when the baby starts crying. But I just don't understand how people with toddlers plus want to bring their bratty kids to a lavish EXPENSIVE affair! Would you bring your child to a $100 a plate charity dinner? HELLZ NO. Should they come to a fancy wedding. Um...no.
@ ejs: "tough noogies" Ha ha! That's some strong language!!!!!
We had no children in our wedding (party) nor did we invite children (under 13 - my youngest cousin) to our wedding. At first I was really worried about this...but after a while I heard feedback from a LOT of our friends and family stating that they were SO excited for an "adult" night out or "weekend away from the kids".
If we were to invite all of our friends and family's children we would have had to increase our invited number by (get this): 95 (little) people!!!!!! That's like an entire wedding reception on its own!!!!!
In the end, we had an elegant, evening wedding which was very enjoyable! We still get told by MANY of our guests such nice compliments about how our wedding was the best thought out, most fun and all around sophisticated wedding they have attended. I think that is due, in some part, to our no-kids policy.
Stick to your guns sister - have the wedding that YOU want!
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Okay, I am just gonna vent out.
FI and I decided to only invite adults to our wedding to be budget conscious. We even decided not to have flowergirls nor ringbearers. We mailed out our invites early last month and have gotten a steady stream of RSVP's. Although I didn't put in my invites "Adults only" or "No kids please", I actually put "We have reserved ___ seat(s) in your honor".
But FI's family (and I knew that this is gonna come from them!) has been calling and asking if they could bring their kids. And how they wouldn't be able to attend if they can't bring their kids, blah blah... Now I feel bad about not having their kids there. And I hate it that I feel bad because of it. I feel like they shouldn't even ask. Oh gosh, I sound really mean. Geesssh, I gotta lighten up.