- 2 years ago
Hello everyone, I belonged to this site in the past and am back to present a BM question. I was invited to be in my sister’s wedding back in December. I didn’t say yes immediately b/c I was conflicted. We aren’t very close, have different moms and even though we live in same time we don’t talk much – not even at family events. I don’t know why that is, I guess it just feels like we never connected and I’m not sure we have much in common. I feel like I was included as a BM b/c all sisters and sisters-in-law are BMs, yet I tried to be positive and say “maybe this will help us grow closer.” B/F I accepted the invite I called her and said I was “shocked to be asked” b/c she had been engaged for over 7+ months and I’d heard NOTHING about the wedding. I even asked if she was excited b/c she hadn’t been very vocal, but I told her I would support & help out in any way. When I see her I ask how things are going and if she needs help. Her typical response is that things are good, that she doesn’t need help, but will let me know.
At 2 months out I asked if I should mark my calendar for certain dates b/c I plan to move from my apt right b/f the wedding date. I also asked about hair, makeup or getting ready on the wedding date because I don’t have any info. It feels like I have to ask in order to get any info (Ex: do you have a cake? what dress are you wearing? what are your colors?). So, I never felt a part of the day (didn’t even know the ceremony time until I rcvd the invite). I can’t say if other BMs are in the same position b/c no one talks about the wedding. My others sisters don’t seem to know either and are just taking the “show up” approach. It feels weird to me, but ok.
Fast forward to this week: I recvd my invite and rsvp card. The invite only had my name and I’ve been dating my guy for 2-3 yrs. The rsvp card had a line to check 1 or 2 ppl, but both lines were blank. So, I sent her a txt during saying I didn’t see my guy’s name, nor a +1 / + guest so I wanted to make sure that it was ok to bring him. It did not go well. We sent a few txt msgs and she tried to call, but I was with clients so I sent her to vm. Then I got a txt saying that she is not the type of person who would exclude him, “how could I think that” and the “invite & rsvp card were clear so I should not have any questions.” Hmm, ok. She tried to call again but I was a little peeved by then so I sent her to vm. I decided to sleep on it and sent a txt the next day saying she was a little “snarky” and that if unclear I prefer to ask rather than assume. She was mad b/c I was txtd rather than called, but I explained that whenever we “talk” its via txt and every detail about the wedding to the BMs has been via txt. I also told her that I thought she took my ? personally, but that it wasn’t a personal attack on her. We finally talked and it was cool, or so I thought.
Yesterday I was txting her mom and goofing off rather than working and looked up her wedding registry. I typed in her full name and then “wedding registry” on Google. Her registry came up, but under that was her name on a baby registry. So, since I was txing her mom I txtd “I dont think XX is pregnant (we have a unique last name) but is she? I just found a baby registry for her, too. If not, then she has a name twin.” Why did I do that? My sister called me livid. She said I should have asked her if I wanted to know. Hmm, ok. She couldn’t understand why I googled her rather than going to her 2 registries directly. Hmm, ok. I google everything! I told her I wasn’t trying to cyber stalk her, or insult her & that after the invitation issue I wanted to limit contact until it blowed over (screwed that up). I told her I casually mentioned it to her mom not thinking that it would be another level 10. She kept saying “call me even if we aren’t close and I will tell you anything you want to know.” I agreed that I should have talked to her and said I would in the future. I just didn’t think this was that big of a deal – just another ?. I also explained that I felt like I was walking on eggshells after 2 issues in 1 wk. Plus, because we don’t really know each other this was really awkward & making it worse.
I also told her I was frustrated, angry and uncomfy and that I needed a few days to “deal with my feelings” and decide how/what way to deal with things in the future. I also said I didn’t want to stay in the wedding pty if things continued to be tense. I told her that even though she wants me to “talk to her” we have zero relationship so its not so easy b/c I don’t want to say or do the wrong thing. I admit that I was defensive and angry by then so I wasn’t thinking straight. I really got upset when she told me “if you are not in the wedding and ppl ask why don’t point at me.” What? I told her that I would never blame anyone else for my choice. She told me “if you show up at the wedding then I’ll know you want to be in it,” but I told her I would never do that either – way too much drama + rude. I asked for some time to clear the air and said we should both think about things b/f we said or did anything else.
About 30 minutes later I got a txt saying she was not going to sit around and wait for my decision – I was out of the wedding. Hmm, ok. I called and left her a vm (see, I listen :-)) saying I was confused b/c I thought we were going to clear the air. I also sent a txt saying I was sorry for causing confusion/heartache and that I respected her decision. I am upset, but also kind of relieved. I don’t want to fight, especially not about invitations and registries. I know that it was about much more, and that she’s prob stressed with a wedding 6 wks out, but it also feels kind of petty or like she was picking a fight? I also realize that I contributed to this, but I guess miscommunication is easy when ppl don’t know each other well & they misinterpret simple things. Thoughts? Should I just show us as a happy guest?