- 5 years ago
- Wedding: May 2013
Okay, I know that those of you following all our FMIL issues will see this probably one of two ways. 1) us not being able to stand up to the nut job, or 2) kind of letting her mess things up… but I swear, this solution is really really… awesome.
Yesterday, FI and I were SERIOUSLY on the road to elopement. We filled out the marriage license application, we started talking to venues for the weekend, I made my appointment to pick up my dress… all because we were sick and tired of FMIL being a raging lunatic and ruining the entire process for us. At the end of the day on my way home from work, I broke down… I did not want to elope . I went to school for events, I want to be a bride, I didn’t want to be robbed of my chance to have a bridal shower or bachelorette or walk downt he aisle with my daddy… and I sure as SHIT would not let it all go down the drain because of a selfish child of a woman.
When I got home and talked to FI, it was pretty clear that he didn’t really want to elope either, but he was no longer excited/keen for our special wedding. Neither was I, who could blame him? He was standing up for us, but at every corner something came up, every day there was something new with his mom, when we thought she understood, she’d lash out, and so on. He was especially upset that she was willing to deprive her husband of having any family there, while she had her brothers, just because she can’t have each and every one of her cousins (if she doesn’t want HER cousins there, fine, but leave his alone!)
Anyways, we talked to my dad who was aware of our elopement plans, and he happened to drop by (he was delivering the cool spy watch I ordered for FI… brightened his day a bit!) For those of you following the story, you already know how AMAZING and supportive my dad has been for both of us through this entire process, and while he is not a very emotional man, it is clear he understands the hurt that we are going through.
He sat us down, and offered to help. At this point, we felt we were far beyond help, but we listened. He asked us who we wanted there, we gave him our list. We told him we felt it would be RUDE and reflect poorly on us and would be in bad taste not to invite FFILs cousins (who WERE invited to the engagement party) just because FMIL was being a brat. We explained that she is throwing a fit and trying to emotionally blackmail FI basically, and that while we were standing firm in our position, we were getting tired and frustrated.
He suggested that since he and FMIL are the same age, perhaps it would be beneficial for him to “take over the wedding” so to speak, in the sense that, since he is paying, he will use the “final say” card, but basically use it for our final say. His reasoning was that, it is rude if we throw it in FILs faces that they are not helping us, but that he would be able to do so in a calm/non emotional manner, and that if she starts kicking up a fuss, he could tune her out (afterall, he has had yeeeears of practice with my mom lol).
We were hesitant, because we don’t want him fighting all of our battles for us, but really, neither of us has much fight left in us for right now and we just want to be able to focus on healing what FMIL has damaged between us. We’ve got a getaway planned this weekend, and a meeting with both sets of parents when we get back next week. My dad will tell FILs that we are so tired/frustrated that we were ready to elope, because she is acting like a child and not being supportive, and that we have handed control of everything finance related to my dad since it is his money that is paying for it.
This may not be the best solution ever, and I know it will be hard when we have kids, but for right now we need to work on us, and getting excited again, and hope that she’ll see what a toxic baby she is being, and that really SHE is the reason we won’t talk to her, and SHE is the reason she will be left out of the decisions. We’re coming up with a list of boundaries to bring to the meeting too… (she actually had the nerve to ask how much we were spending on xyz for the wedding because FSIL spend abc instead…even though she isn’t helping and is a guest, therefore its none of her damn business… so there is one boundary RIGHT there) the boundaries will include situations to come in the future, kids included… and we will be perfectly clear that until she learns to have mature, adult conversations, we won’t be talking to her, about the wedding, other plans, or anything else.
I don’t know what I’d do without my dad, I’m just thankful to have his support through all this crap, and I can only hope and pray that it will make a point/statement/get the message through to FMIL, so that things can improve. …. I think my dad might also be suggesting counselling (FI and I are doing it, FMIL could stand to do it too)
If you read all that, thank you! if not, thanks for letting me vent 😉