(Closed) No longer so sure that we should have gotten married… advice?

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Hostess
18646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

How did she support your husband and his sister before he graduated?  Did she have a job and then quit it?  That is so stressful, I couldn’t live with my MIL in a small 2 bedroom apartment for the rest of my life.  I don’t really have much advice for you though.

Post # 5
Hostess
18646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Hmm that’s sort of strange.  Did the two of you ever talk about these sorts of things before you got married?

Post # 6
Member
3176 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Wow, the only thing I can think to say is I would hate to be in that situation. I know they say when you marry the man you marry the family, but this just takes it to another stage. Honestly I don’t know how I personally would deal with it. I think the most important thing before you think about ending your marriage, is to talk to you husband. You need to let him know how serious it is. You keep saying its about material things but its not. Its about your life and how you’re being forced to live it.

Can you all move to a different apartment or something? Maybe a new place would help alleviate the stress? Since your hubs is the only one paying th bills can he just tell a white lie and say he can’t afford that place anymore and found something cheaper? Just an idea.

Good luck hun!

Post # 7
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

He doesn’t want to have a real conversation about it, but he has to if he doesn’t want to lose you. I think you need to show him that this is really serious and that he has no choice but to listen. My mother always told me never to live with family. And I think it’s true. Almost every marriage that I know of that has issues had to deal either with living in the same house as the parents or having the family basically control one of the partners. I am sorry you’re going through this, but I think you should bring this up to your DH no matter what. Either way this isn’t moving in a good direction so you have nothing to lose. I understand that culture is a big deal, but you shouldn’t feel like “this stuff doesn’t matter.” It does matter and I am sure that if he had a Chinese wife things wouldn’t be much different. Don’t feel bad. He also knew he was marrying outside of his culture and he can’t expect that you’ll be making all the sacrifices. He needs to stand up for you too and you need to stand up for your marriage together.

Post # 9
Member
3871 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Wow, that’s rough! As someone who is vietnamese, I do understand the whole respect your elders thing.  I know my mom says that she wants to move in with one of us later and we’ve all brushed it off hoping things will work out. I know it sounds horrible.  I’m tried to convince my mom to move in with her sister (my aunt) but I think my mom thinks her children should  support her not her sister.  Yeah, it’s hard.  Luckily, I live across the country right now but I know how much of a burden my parents can get. 

And some of the stuff you said about his parents, I can see my DH saying those things about my family.  He makes it work. (Also, DH’s family has their own issues, too) Oh, and the whole language thing, don’t let it bother you.  My mom rambles off and I can only translate so much and some of it is crazy talk and not usual anything about my DH.  I have 2 sisters and 1 brother and we are all with or married americans, so my mom has gotten used to the idea that we are not with vietnamese men.

Maybe if you want to be more understanding of his culture, maybe you should learn chinese.  It might show them that you respect their culture.  Even little things, like learning how to say please and thank you in chinese.  I know my parents loved that the DH learned thank you. 

Maybe you can talk to other chinese members here to see how you can deal with them. I think they will be more understanding of your feelings if they see you trying to respect their cultures. Yeah, our tradtions and cultures can be a real process.

Sorry, you’re going through this. 

ETA: Oh, I just thought of something.  What about finding a place where everyone can be somewhat happy.  If I was in your situation, I would find a place where you can rent out two houses that are next door.  You and your DH can live in one and mom and sister can live in the one next door.  He will still be taking care of them and still be able to see them and it’s shouldn’t be too far.  I don’t know if you can afford something like that but maybe look into it. 

Also, I don’t know if it’s the fact that you don’t have any kids yet.  That might have something to do with it.  Maybe? Since you don’t have kids of your own, they don’t feel they are a burden on you guys just yet.  Just an idea. 

Post # 10
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

If the sister won’t move her stuff, jsut move it for her.If she isn;’t living there anymore, it shouldn’t be there and she is takinga dvantage.

You have to do something. His mother is still young so you are looking at spending the next 20+ years this way. Definitely you need to talk,b ut don’t be surprised if he won’t do anything about it. Esp, if it is a cultural thing.

How is it that the sister can have her own place but you 2 can’t??

Post # 11
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I also think you should take a less dramatic approach, and not say things like “I can’t take this anymore”. If yoau re calm, it will go smoother.

Post # 12
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Oh man, i feel for you girl. My grandma is korean and i remember my mom and dad going through a lot of these issues when she got elderly. In the end, it was a “we’re in america and this is how we’re doing it” and grandma went to an assisted care home and mom visits her frequently. my grandma has come to realize she isn’t in korea and that’s not how things are going to go. it was a tough love thing.

If your Dh won’t talk to you, though, that’s the thing i can’t get my head around. He needs to be a damn adult and have a conversation with you. He’s going to be forced to choose between his wife and his mom if he can’t have a conversation about how to fix this and make it work. I can completely understand every reason why you are frustrated with the culture of how it’s done…but unless your husband has lived in China his whole life, he is fully aware of how things are done around here and the fact that there ARE other ways to deal with parents. The fact that they are okay being a financial burden on you just boggles my mind, though. I’m so sorry about that. She may call it ‘culture’ but i call it selfish =(. You have a ‘culture’, too and it doesn’t involve living with mom! there will have to be a compromise somewhere. You cannot be the only ones–maybe there is a counselor nearby who can give you some advice on how some interracial couples made it work. I know how it worked for my grandma (the whole ‘you’re in america now, this is how we do things’) but i know it doesn’t work for everyone. Nobody hated her for it by the way :p. She still gets letters from family and such.

I think at some point, when you have the place to yourself, you guys need to sit down and actually try to come up with a SOLUTION. I can completely get why he’s snappy–he’s sort of stuck in between. If you can brainstorm some ideas, it may help ease the discussion. Also–find out what HE wants. Surely this isn’t it….if you can appeal to his side of what he wants, he may feel stronger about approaching the situation, instead of it coming out like “oh my wife wants X” you know? Make a list of the exact things you want and what’s REALLY bugging you…when you’re overwhelmed (like you are now), it’s hard to articulate to your spouse exactly what’s up and lay it all out on the table. Some notes would probably help you clear your mind in a way that is really cathartic. Good luck =

Post # 13
Member
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010 - Ocean View Villas/Jasmine Seafood Restaurant

This is a really tough situation.  Like others, I think it’s really important that you and DH talk about this thoroughly so that you both are clear about what you want and what your future looks like.  I do think that the timing is not ideal.  Since you asked, I do think it would have been more ideal to have discussed these matters before you got married.  Intercultural marriages are difficult.  You really need to communicate so that you can come to an understanding about the cultural aspects of your relationship and life.  If it means ruffling some feathers, then you’ll need to ruffle some feathers to be heard.  DH needs to know that you’re so unhappy.  If he won’t listen to you and do something about it, then THAT is the problem and not necessarily the mother ya know?  So sorry.  good luck. 

Post # 14
Member
566 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I’m sorry this is a really tough situation. You should definitely have a talk with your husband. It’s unfair for you to have to live like this indefinitely. What might help is making a plan to move in say 1-2 years (assuming you can get everyone on board with that decision). The situation probably seems more bleak because there’s no end in sight. I find I can deal with a situation better if I know it’s temporary and have a goal set to get out of it.  You could use saving up to move as a bit of a distraction.

Post # 15
Member
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

I agree with EJS about brainstorming some ideas.  Maybe it’s as simple as starting out with a night to yourselves at home once weekly.  Does his mom have friends that she can make a weekly date with?

I also think a negotiation with sister about making the room more yours is a reasonable step.

I remember way back when when you were new to the home and it felt more like their place.  I feel like it is time for you to have some of your own space.  You’ve been really patient and it’s time for DH to help you find some peace.  There are always ways to work things.

Ideally you’d just all move to a place with a MIL apartment but I know it doesn’t work that way where you are 🙂

Post # 16
Member
503 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Wow…Ok I can’t really tell you what would be best for you but I know that I would definitely be setting some boundaries. Don’t let DH put you off indefinitely. If he says we’ll talk about it later ask for a date. And I would make a list of things you are uncomfortable with at the moment. Then brake it down between those you can live with, and those that definitely need to change right away, and take it to your “talk”.

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