No longer waiting :( …getting back together one day? Long (sorry!)

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
468 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013


First, let me say I am sorry for all this trouble you are going through. You sound like a quality relationship girl — someone who is best suited to being in a stable marriage.

You both sounds like you are kind of young, under 25 perhaps? I think the fact that he wants to hang out with single guys (at least I guess they are single), and go on a vacation with someone else is a sign he isn’t ready for marriage.

Everything he is saying about wanting space seems to be where he is at now. I would let him go to fly where he needs to. I don’t think you need counseling, I think you just need a guy who wants to commit to you, and he isn’t that person.

What you say about the future, about whether you should be together again, maybe it will happen. But just from reading what you wrote, I think you could use some space of your own away from him.

I hope I don’t sounds like a jerk. It sounds like you had some great times together for sure, but it sounds like more work and heartache than you deserve.

Post # 4
818 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

If you know that you have controlling issues then I think it’s absolutely a great idea to go to counseling on your own.  The first part in improving yourself is recognizing what you’re doing wrong.

It sounds like he needs some space.  He’s obviously felt suffocated.  The relationship is not going to work if you 2 are not on the same page, which it seems like you’re not.

I know it hurts.  I’ve been there; heck, I’m sure most of the Bees have been there before.  The best thing you can do is to let him go.  One day if it’s meant to be, maybe you can start talking again.  Don’t hang onto hope that you will get back together.  Be good to yourself first and foremost.


Post # 5
1178 posts
Bumble bee

@laurenelizaberry:  Loosen your grasp. He is his own person and you are as well. If you insist on being with someone who doesn’t mind not having “me” time then you should find someone who is more like you. Honestly though I think you have to spend some time alone. From the sounds of it you were very very wrapped up in this relationship.

Post # 6
1662 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Bunny_the_Bride:  +1


@laurenelizaberry:  I’m sorry, it sounds like he’s not ready for something so serious. Some people just like their space. This doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with either of you. Just you each may be better suited for someone who wants a similar amount of together time. I know it hurts now, but it’s going to get better, I promise. Hugs.

DH is always going to do things like you describe: gym, drinks with coworkers, football with the guys etc. But he always kinda clears things with me, not asks, but lets me know what he’s up to  so that I can plan accordingly. Then we coordinate a few nights a week where we’re both home and at least one that’s a “date night”. I like this because I have lots of time to myself (which I love) and I still feel like I’m his most important person.

I think the problem you ran into after you guys had more space was that he wasn’t really prioritizing you along with the other things… The vacation thing? Ouch. Also, threatening the relationship itself multiple times is mean. Of course that made you feel insecure about things! Don’t worry, the right guy will be able to balance this better. Yes, it’s always a good idea to be critical of your own contributions to the breakup too. Take some time, work on yourself and feel better. 

Post # 7
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think moving in together so soon created this mess. You, not wrongly, were still in the honeymoon phase and wanted to spend every free minute together. Which is fine when you have separate lives, homes, friends, etc. But when you live with someone and want to spend every free minute together that can become suffocating very quickly to someone who needs some time apart.

Perhaps in time, when he “recovers” from the suffocation and starts missing the things about you that drew him to you in the first place, you two can be together peacefully. I agree with him that a good relationship doesn’t have yelling and fighting. Disagreements, sure, but not fights.

Leave him alone for now and let him reapproach you when/if he wants to. That’s the only way it will work. Good luck. And yes, we’ve all been there. Embarassed

Post # 8
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@laurenelizaberry:  first off, I have to say… You deserve to have your needs met as well. It’s not ok that you or him label “couple time” as you being selfish. The other half of the couple needs to want couple time too! You may be needier than others but your willingness to compromise means you are not selfish. Let him be, as hard as it may be. If he comes back, or you date in the future you can still strive for balance while not giving up what you want. 




I consider myself a needy person but I only expect from others things I would be willing to do in a heartbeat for them. If my fiancé asked me to make plans with him on the only night we have off together, then I’d be there But I would also expect the same in return.  he is not willing to meet you half way and that’s not what you need to make you happy either. So maybe there is a guy you are meant to be with who will not mind making you his number one. 




Disclaimer: everyone likes alone time and it should be given without drama to keep your partner and yourself happy but it doesn’t sound like HE is taking your needs ( even if he thinks you’re  needy)in to consideration.




Post # 9
298 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@laurenelizaberry:  +1 bunny_the_bride.

Its one of those things where Yes, he should get space to pursue his interests and hobbies, but yes, your feelings matter too. It can be hard to strike a balance but in the end if you are feeling more “in it” than him, then those feelings are probably accurate. Let him fly and if he returns you will likely feel less like the one always “in it” and him always walking out the door, bc you will know that when he went out on his own– he came back, which may give you deeper security in his feelings about you. Doing the hard thing now will be painful — but you will either get through it and find the right guy for you, or you will get back together with him and it will make your relationship much stronger and your insecurities will be resolved bc you will have been out of your comfort zone/out of being in control and you will have learned from it and feel better (and he will see that) should you get back together. 

Post # 11
1676 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

@laurenelizaberry:  🙁 sending you hugs. I know it feels like you’re meant to be together, but maybe there is a lovely man ready for what you’re ready for just waiting for you to find him? It sounds like you’ll be much happier in a more equal relationship. I know it doesn’t make it feel any better, so look after you for a while. The love of your life will find you

Post # 12
5194 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

@laurenelizaberry:  Sorry you’re going through this, as a PP stated you seem like someone that seeks stability and quality in a relationship.  I think two things got mixed here: him not being ready for commitment right now and your tendency to control.  I would suggest that you get counseling for yourself and let him go.  Let time pass and see where you are a while from now.  As PP stated, you both need to be in the same page for a long term relationship to work.  It might be with him, might be with someone different, but you want to be in the right place when it happens.  Good luck!

Post # 13
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

His longest relationship was a year and a half, and so was his relationship with you – that seems to be his limit at this time in his life.

Honestly you’re better off finding someone more suited to your lifestyle and your needs – the clinginess alone is your sign that you weren’t really ready to get serious in this relationship. It wasn’t a healthy relationship, and since yo’re still in that “honeymoon” phase, it’s hard for you to see it.

I’d say counseling, but just for and by yourself. I think you have a lot of “growing up” to do (not to be mean – I am serious) and having someone else to help you would be huge.

Good luck.

Post # 14
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

It sounds like he may not be ready for the same kind of commitment that you are and one of two things can happen now that you guys have decided to take some time apart. 1- He will realize that he really does love you and is willing to give up some time with the guys to spend mroe time with you OR 2- you will meet someone who is wiling to give you the same sort of attention that you are willing to give them.

Relationships are all about balance and compromise and it doesn’t seem like he wants to really budge on giving up any time with his friends and, to be honest, it doesn’t really seem like you are willing to even give him a little time. Everyone needs to have a life outside of their relationship/marriage.

Post # 15
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I just wanted to say, wanting to spend time together =/= being selfish or needy. From the information you provided, it doesn’t sound like you were either of those things. What it sounds like is that you and your boyfriend are in different places and want different things, even though it initially seemed like everything was hunky dory. He doesn’t sound ready for marriage, or at the very least, it doesn’t seem like he prioritized your relationship in the same way you did. I’m sorry, OP, that you wound up in this situation because it really sucks. But please don’t accept 100% of the blame, because it wasn’t all you from the looks of it.

And for what it’s worth, I’m an extremely independent person who loves her alone time, but the way your boyfriend was acting would have gotten on my nerves big time. Guys nights and going out with friends is all fine and dandy, but he forgot about scheduling some time with a very important person in his life–you. You should not feel guilty or that you were “controlling” for wanting that.

Post # 16
7920 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

@laurenelizaberry:  first off I’m so sorry! Breaking up is the worst- but it will get better.

Now for the tough love: you need to read The Rules- it’s a bit outdated and should be taken with a grain of salt…. But you broke…. All of them. And because of it you’re dealing with the premature end of your relationship. Learn to give distance, keep independence, mystery, and to an extent the chase alive and he would still be pining for you vs wanting to break free.

i don’t say this to give you regrets- it’s a learning experience and clearly he wasn’t the right guy for you. But don’t jump off the deep end again- learn from this before you have another go at it.  Get too serious too fast and youre more likely to crash and burn. Read the book! Really, read it.

In the mean time try to get busy forgetting about him. Better days ahead bee.


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