No money, no wedding. Anyone else?

posted 2 years ago in Money
Post # 2
1275 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Call your dad – stop emailing!  Be direct.  I didn’t think my dad was going to help at all but a family friend told me I needed to talk to him about it.  I sat down and flat-out asked him if he had planned on contributing financially to the wedding or not, no pressure either way, I just needed to know as it affects our budget, and he said of course he was and wrote me a check right there.  Since then, he’s given us a total of like 4k.  He didn’t know how quickly we had to book and pay for things so he hadn’t brought it up.  I’m sure it would have gotten to the month of the wedding before he thought about offering to give us some cash!

Post # 3
42089 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

nessdawwg:  It’s hard to work up sympathy for a couple making $100,000 per year, but I’m guessing you knew that.

If your Dad said he was willing to “play his part financially”, I see no problem in asking him to clarify that. In fact, I would have asked him at the time what he meant by that.

Have a conversation with your Dad. Tell him you are looking at your long range plans and need him to clarify what, if anything, he will contribute.

If you truly want to be married, not just want a wedding, you can do that for very little by having a civil marriage.

Post # 4
1377 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I don’t think it would be tacky to directly ask him. Just phrase it as ‘Dad, I really want to know where I stand for planning this wedding, and I would like to know if I should be expecting any assistance from you, because it will affect FI and my financial stance over the next couple years.’ I would also ask this in person if you could. Emails are easily lost, and being in person is, of course, more personal. 

Post # 7
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

nessdawwg:  Such a tricky situation.. I hate talking about money with other people (aside from FI) it always feels so awkward. 

To be honest I wouldn’t go by tradition to determine what his role should be financially, once upon a time yes the brides parents covered the cost but I think in many areas that’s not expected anymore so the waters are muddy in that regard. 

Can you go visit him? Or even Skype or call rather than email? I think it’s ok to ask (politely) to discuss wedding finances, just explain you’re starting to work out the technicalities and IF he wants to contribute it would be great to sort it out earlier rather than later. Maybe chat to him about his other involvement in the wedding too so it’s not all about money, it might make it feel less awkward! 

I think you and your FI deserve a huge pat on the back for addressing your debt first. So many people make mistakes with finances when they’re young, the difference is you guys are fixing it rather than getting in to more debt and you should be really proud of yourselves 🙂

Post # 8
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I feel like you could pay down $40,000 in debt in reasonable payments if you make $100,000/year. But I guess that’s beside the point.

If he won’t answer your emails, I’m not sure what else you can do. I mean, this is kind of what happens when you are assuming will pay for your wedding. The ball is always in their court :/

Post # 10
2229 posts
Buzzing bee

nessdawwg:  I think your best approach if you want to know what your father plans to contribute is to be direct with him at your next opportunity. Once you ask him, you get that out of the way and you know what you have to work with. 

My engagement will actually end up being a 4 or 5 year one. It’s fine with me, but it seems like a 1 year engagement is what’s more common amoung the other bees. I can relate to and understand the money stress you are going through. I also agree that having a job can be an expense in and of itself. It sounds like you are young and have time. Do yo have your heart set on a wedding or would you consider eloping, just you and your FI?

Post # 11
314 posts
Helper bee

NOBODY HAS TO PAY FOR YOUR WEDDING BUT YOU! So stop expecting him to contribute!

I’m sorry he gives all sorts of money to his other kids, I’m sorry you’re poor, but this is YOUR wedding and you need to budget for what YOU can afford. This is your problem, nobody else’s. If money is really such an issue you need to elope- or keep saving until you can afford it.

Post # 12
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Our Backyard/Steakhouse

nessdawwg:  honestly, leave it alone. Plan the wedding you can afford – even if it’s you and FI at the courthouse with your best friends and then a nice dinner.

 If he ends up contributing then great! You can put the money you would have used for your wedding toward your debt and be in the black that much faster. 

Post # 13
1319 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Well 100k might not go as much if you live in a high cost of living area and you have debts to pay. Why are people assuming its ok? This is your dad you’re talking about. Call and ask him straight up. Are you not close to him? Im confused.

Post # 15
867 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

nessdawwg:  I’m going to stay away from the dad issue, except to say that if it were me I would just straight up ask. 

The only other thing I really wanted to say is towards previous posters gasping at saying you are struggling making 100k. You specified that was BEFORE taxes and depending on where you live 100k wont get you overly Far. Paying off debt is hard work and I give you props for putting that as a priority over your wedding. Don’t feel like you aren’t entitled to be stressed about money just because you make what some people think is a lot. Weddings cost way more in certain areas as well, where I live it’s seriously difficult to have a nice wedding under $25k and that’s like a basic wedding. 

Just remember you made your bed and now yoi are laying in it, you are being responsible but if your dad does not help (and he’s not obligated to) you might have to make some hard choices. That totally sucks and I feel bad for you, but you will get through it. 

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